Last night I had my girls at home and had a good friend of mine come to the house with his two kids. We grilled, drank a few beers, watched the kids and had a good time.
My W called a few times while everyone was at the house. The first call she tolded me that she had hoped that everyone would have left and that I could bring the girls to her work for desert(No, not going to happen). Then she called a couple more times to talk to my 5D.
I guess my W views/thinks of me as a nanny for our kids. In her mind I watch them and cart them around at her request. I don't think so.
I have no idea what her plans are for the next day or two. I will have to play it by ear since this is her weekend, accept I get our girls on Sunday(Fathers Day).
Another strange thing that my W did yesterday was ask my mom to go with her and our girls to the pool next week. My mom obviously finds this request to be very strange. She basically said "my DIL wants nothing to do with my son, but she wants me to hangout with her and the girls". My mom doesn't understand her either, I wonder why.
I think this is my W's way of trying to make things easier on our DD's. Or does this behaviour make life easier on her? Or is she still trying to hang onto the life that she is leaving behind? Any way it is messed up.
It sounds like your wife is trying to paint herself in a good light right now, and is having issues with the fact that she is starting to be seen as anything other than a 'great person'.
I'm guilty of analyzing my wifes actions as well which drives me crazy because I should know better. I think we could both use some breaks from our situations, its exhausting.
I agree that she is trying to save face. Today she emailed me saying that she hopes that she can be a positive influence to our daughters. Here is the direct quote: "hope my example is enough to inspire them to be amazing women of their home and children".
I don't think infidelity and breaking up your family is a positive influence, do you?
Just so I understand, did you say your w sent YOU the quote about strong women role models and was hoping that they'd find HER to be a positive influence IN the HOME??!!
Just checking.....geez, I guess the conflicts in her are surfacing and it's getting harder for her to suppress them. And as for the invites to the MIL, actually kind of funny. See, I think the WAS with kids, especially with OP involved, just wants to take the present family photo and replace one person in it (LBSer of course) with the new, perfected spouse, ie, the OP....only life isn't that way.
EMRC, I have a feeling that if you play your cards right (a phrase that I hate) your wife could come around. She's strong in her ways so you can't smash this into her face or overwhelm her with judgement or rationalized discussions either. When she gets some space and time to reflect, she has her moments. Indeed, you already see cracks in the fantasy...so, she MISSES not seeing the girls every day....really????? And You won't agree to just disappearing until if and when she needs you to watch them? That is inconvenient....(you're so selfish)...
As for the L issues, let them handle it. ALL the ugly practical things are THEIR problem and that's what the bucks are for. YOU just care about GAL and being a great dad and a calm source of "co-parenting' support....she can only press so hard before her hypocrisy hits her in the face b/c she is not stupid.
It'a bit ironic that your wife thought you two were going "to do what's best for the girls...." um, like getting the tools for problems HER own mc mentioned? Oh, no, like getting divorced with as little hassle to your wife as possible, THAT"S what she means...actually, you could get the point across without too much sarcasm (moi??) with something along the lines of, (said CALMLY) "As You know, w, I do not want our M and F to end and I am deeply hurt that you seem to .... as for YOU feeling sadness b/c the reality is you will lose some time with our children. Well we both are, so, I understand that sadness better than anyone else in the world...but it's only fair that you recall one important fact: NONE of these choices were mine...I'm just stuck with them, doing the best I can..."
Sheesh, the blindness of it all. Also, when you begin to fret over the time she has with OM, IF that is really happening, why assume it's all good? It cannot be so. Seriously, the guy has a family he is paying something to, he has kids from a prior M, correct? Oh that blended family thing is sooo smoooth....just ask anyone here how great it ALL is ALWAYS. As if No one fights, no one has trouble adjusting, no one misses anyone or the way things were and sex is always excellent, on demand and without verbalizing anything, ALL is understood and delivered....um, I don't think so. Put a stop sign on those nightmarish delusions and besides, they're out of your control anyhow. All I am saying is that i am confident I've seen NO 2nd M's work out smoothly, even when they start in a decent way. There are always painful periods that come unexpected and I have not heard of anyone leaving a half way decent M, who didn't have some regrets later about not working things out, or trying harder....besides, for every passionate moment that comes with newness, there is at least another moment of confusion or disappointment b/c the unfamiliar one does not know the new one, the way the decade long partner does--(that's you my friend)...trust me on that. I just wish I could beam you into a year or two into the future to cut out all this pain for you. But she needs the growth more than you, and you both will ultimately benefit. I just have a feeling that the better dad you are, the calmer "co parent" guy with THAT huge bond in common with her, the constance, the PRESENCE that only you can represent, and maybe the admiration in another woman's eyes, will wake your wife up in time....the question will be, in time for what/whom? You will not be alone very long if you are anything like the man posting here...I'm just sad that your wife might not "get it" in time and you will have moved on with someone else. But who knows? Sometimes the thought of a new person is GREAT and the next day, seems so risky, so UN-fun and so distant, that you can honestly say you'll just be there for the kids right now. THAT is the best you can do at the moment. Enough change for them, thank you very much. Your time/trips with them are SO perfect for this situation. I do love it. If my women friends were in my kitchen with me now, we would all be saying the same thing about how we'd see the fathers differently as men, if we saw these types of interactions. Keep it up.
PS - OMG, I LOVE your wife's c and cannot think of how YOU could have better selected her....I know you didn't, but dang, there was a little divine intervention stuff and some seed planting in those words to your wife....interesting....take care,
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just so I understand, did you say your w sent YOU the quote about strong women role models and was hoping that they'd find HER to be a positive influence IN the HOME??!!
Yep, that was a direct cut and past from an email that my W sent this morning. She was with our girls for the first time in a couple of days. Having them puts her in a better mood and this sitch I believe has made her evaluate her relationsip with them. I believe that she is still so wrapped up in the OM that her comments and actions are hypocritical.
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See, I think the WAS with kids, especially with OP involved, just wants to take the present family photo and replace one person in it (LBSer of course) with the new, perfected spouse, ie, the OP....only life isn't that way.
This is so true. This has been hard for me to deal with and is the main reason that I feel like yesterday's trash(easily discarded). The OM probably see it this way also. He has two girls the same ages as mine and probably sees himself just fitting in nicely. Man does he have another thing coming when he has to start dealing with crazy mood swings of my 5D and W. Not only is 5D going to hate him, she is going to make his life hell. I am her Daddy and at times I just cannot deal with her and have to give her a long time out so she can cool off. And she loves me to pieces.
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I have a feeling that if you play your cards right (a phrase that I hate) your wife could come around. She's strong in her ways so you can't smash this into her face or overwhelm her with judgement or rationalized discussions either. When she gets some space and time to reflect, she has her moments. Indeed, you already see cracks in the fantasy...so, she MISSES not seeing the girls every day....really????? And You won't agree to just disappearing until if and when she needs you to watch them? That is inconvenient....(you're so selfish)...
I try to avoid any conversation that would cause me to pass judgement or rationalize with my W anymore. I worry though being in C'ing that I might get to comfortable start doing what I do not want to do and that is like you said pass judgement on my W. I think my getting a L really put a huge crack into my W fantasy world. I believe she thought I would just make everything really easy on her as she exits stage left. LOL...Damn I am a selfish son of a gun for wanting to keep my family intact.
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As for the L issues, let them handle it. ALL the ugly practical things are THEIR problem and that's what the bucks are for. YOU just care about GAL and being a great dad and a calm source of "co-parenting' support....she can only press so hard before her hypocrisy hits her in the face b/c she is not stupid.
Your absolutely right the L are paid for a reason, let them battle this out. Having a L has lifted some weight off of my shoulders, I know that I have someone looking out for me in a legal sense. Right again...My W is not stupid. Her intelligence is one of the traits that I am attracted to in her.
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It'a bit ironic that your wife thought you two were going "to do what's best for the girls...." um, like getting the tools for problems HER own mc mentioned? Oh, no, like getting divorced with as little hassle to your wife as possible, THAT"S what she means...
Ironic is right... My W is only looking out for what makes this all easier on her at this time. She does keep mentioning that she is doing what she is for the best interests of our girls. That is a load of cr@p. She is only looking for the easy way out.
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.um, I don't think so. Put a stop sign on those nightmarish delusions and besides, they're out of your control anyhow.
I was doing good with this accept going to the L and talking to the OMW the otherday made those thoughts flood back in.
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I just wish I could beam you into a year or two into the future to cut out all this pain for you.
No?? I thought you had some mystical powers that would allow for this.
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Your time/trips with them are SO perfect for this situation. I do love it. If my women friends were in my kitchen with me now, we would all be saying the same thing about how we'd see the fathers differently as men, if we saw these types of interactions. Keep it up.
Thanks for the pat on the back. I plan on keeping this up. My girls and I are having a wonderful time doing all these activities. It also allows for a lot of down time to just enjoy and connect with them.
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OMG, I LOVE your wife's c and cannot think of how YOU could have better selected her....I know you didn't, but dang, there was a little divine intervention stuff and some seed planting in those words to your wife....interesting..
I do believe that my W counselor is good. I believe that she was trying to plants seeds also. But you know the parable of sowing seeds, who knows what kind of soil they are ending up in? Rightnow with the OM in the picture I believe that they are being sown in gravel with not much chance to grow. This is why I am hoping that the counseling continues for the two of us...eventually they have to be sown in fertile soil...Don't they? Also, her counselor was a recommendation from her sisters. They both saw her for sometime.
