Hi! I'm mostly posting on midlife, but wanted to stop here to get some insights from some of you.
Hey Jazz...found you here too
You know in the past month - 6 weeks things have changed. H told me he is no longer seeing OW (told me w/no prompting from me..just shared with me some unpleasant things about her - ick!) He has been very kind and attentive doing nice things for me and calling often to "check in" and we chat for awhile about "life"...never us.
Well, my sons are on a little league team and H is coach. A mother on the team is recently divorced and, of course, pretty attractive. Sometimes after the games, some parents and kids go out to eat or ice cream. Sometimes I go and sometimes not.
On Thursday after the game, H had all the kids and I went out w/some friends. He called to "check in" and said he was taking kids to eat. I found out later it was him, my kids, other mom and her boys. Ok...I never said a word.
Than, Friday after the game boys tell me they are going to eat again. I took D7 w/me and we went home. H calls me again and we chat about nothing. I ask who is w/ him (lots of noise in background) and he says "***(our son) and ****(other mom's son)" He than tells me the our son had made a bet w/other mom(has done this on a few games like if he hits home run she'll buy team milkshakes etc) that if they win, she'll take them to eat. I said "Oh, so (other coaches and kids) are going too?" He hesitated and said, "Well, no". I said "Ok. I'll see you tomorrow."
We all went to D7 soccer game the next morning. I didn't ask anything about dinner. We were sitting together and laughing etc.
My son" "Hey mom, did you hear about today?"
Me: "No..what about it?"
**NOTE- Our town was having a festival and H was playing in a b-ball game for charity.
Son: (other mom) is picking us up at 2 and taking us to Dad's game.
I didn't say a word. Boys walk away and...
Me: "She is picking up boys and going to your game?". H: "I told them it was your day w/them and it was up to you."
So, I told boys we'd talk after game.
After the game, H asked me if we could all go eat together. We walk out all together (of course passing OW who is watching her son). As we were leaving he asked if I was going to come to his game and I said yes.
ON the way home, I tell boys that I am not ok w/them making these plans. We had already planned to go to movie w/neighbors. H was working. Boys started telling me this cr**:
Other mom lives with family of another classmate of theirs b/c her X took her house in D and she has nowhere to go.
Other mom broke up w/boyfriend (who STILL comes to games w/her) and he was "stalking" her.
She told boyfriend to stop following her or she's have to call police and get restraining order.
She did not want to be called Mrs. **** b/c she was divorced and didn't like that name (even though it is her children's name still)
Asked son to not tell others on team about the bet b/c she just wanted it to be H and her and kids.
Specifically didn't want boyfriend to know about them going out to eat.
Other minor things, but this were the most disturbing. She told these things to my 11 year old son and some things were told to him by her 11 year old son. WTF????? I was flipping out angry!
I calmly told boys this was not a good situation and I was not comfortable w/them hanging out w/them any longer. Of course the y can still play with her sons, but no more hanging out etc.
Son called H b/c he was very angry w/me and I talked to H:
Me: Did you know abuot (told things from above)
H: Well, I knew he was coming to games etc. But not about police etc
Me: I am not ok w/them hanging out w/her any more.
H: Ok, I'll take care of it.
Me: I don't need you to take care of it, just telling you. If she has a problem, I'll tell her. I think it's pretty creepy that she would tell our boys this stuff.
H: That's a little too much information for them. I understand.
Me: Our kids are going through enough drama of their own. I don't think it needs to be added to.
H: It's ok, I understand. I told son that it was our job as parents to protect them etc etc etc.
Pretty much it...no arguing, just calmly discussing.
So, I took kids to his game and other mom never showed up. Not sure what he told here what he called to tell her not to pick up boys. Don't care really.
After the game, he called me and thanked me for coming and we had a nice conversation about life again. I told him that I was going to go get $$ (kids and I were still at festival waiting for parade) and he said "I'll take a quick shower and bring some to you before I go to work" I said "you don't need to do that" and he said "I know I don't NEED to..WANT to. You guys need to eat down there"
So he called me and I met him and he gave me $$. I told him I was taking kids to movie this week (Surfs Up) and asked if he wanted to go. He didn't commit, but gave me his schedule next week. We talked for a second and than he left.
He called me two more times that evening to "check in" and ask how things were going and we talked.
Ok...so WTF??? A friend who know this other mom told me that she would be very pushy in making these plans and doing so with son and not H. That H is being nice (he thrives on people thinking he's such a wonderful guy...now more than ever!) and that I need to keep strong on this.
Know this is long, but need some input!
bambam
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
Hey bambam, I followed you over here, but I'm not stalking!
As you know, I'm not the best source of logical and rational thought these days, but a couple things jump out at me here. First, you are absolutely correct in telling the boys they aren't going to hang around "other mom". She's saying things to an 11-year old that should never be spoken, and to do so when she must know his family situation is even more troublesome. Sounds like she has some screws loose. More importantly, if there is even a potential she has a stalker/exBF, no matter how remote, your kids do not need to be in the same zip code as her, especially when she is hanging around your husband. That's all a stalker/whacko needs to see, her flirting with your H. Could be a dangerous situation, one which your kids do not need to be near.
I'm glad to see your H handled it the way he did. That could have gone very differently, very easily. Looks to me like he has the kids best interest in mind, too. But, what his intentions are with her are unclear. She's an attractive, single woman who is probably fairly vulnerable and "and easy target" would be my guess. Not to say he wants to capitalize on that, but as you keep telling me, it's out of your control. Which sucks.
Of course, maybe it means nothing. But can you answer this? If this woman was not attractive, not at all, would he have gone out with her and the kids all together?
I'm going to say this, and you might hate me for it and think I'm horribly, horribly shallow, but I'm a guy and this is just the way it is. I like being around very attractive women. Quite a revelation, isn't it? As you know, my wife has been described by me as "smokin' hot", and she is. At 40, she turns heads of guys half her age, as well as about every other guy in the vicinity. I feel ten-feet tall when we are together (now separated for those of you who don't follow my little slice of heaven) and proud to be the man she is with. In contrast, I went to one of the warehouse stores a month or so ago with one of our friends (to help lift some heavy stuff since I'm such a manly-man - said jokingly), a female in her early forties, who is anything but attractive. Sorry, she just isn't. It was just her and I together, and I sort of felt funny, because I didn't want people to think she was my wife. I didn't want to be physically associated with her. That's me just being honest, and a lot of people will think, "what an a**hole", and that's OK, probably even deserved.
Point is, maybe your husband is just trying to stroke his ego a bit, and nothing else. Being around, and having the attention of a beautiful woman will just do that. The way he reacted to your putting your foot down tells me that it isn't important for him to continue hanging out with her. He's probably disallusioned with her anyway for saying those things to your son (S knew about police stuff, H didn't). Also, this woman's life is probably a mess, and H sees it. She's recently divorced, doesn't even have her own place, divorce was probably mostly her fault (which is why hubby got house), already has an unstable exBF, and is immature enough to say these things to an 11-year old. Your H sees this, and at the same time, sees how strong you have been, how you've been making all the changes in your own life, how you've been taking care of yourself. Don't think that's not lost on him.
So now he's back to calling all the time, handing over cash when you tell him it isn't necessary because he WANTS to, and in general, is being pleasant. And because he thrives on people thinking he's a nice guy doesn't mean you should hold that against him. I understand what you mean by that, but just let him have that one, he seems to need it. Why pop that baloon?
You're doing great, and you know it. Here's an idea, buy some new outfit, something that he wouldn't expect that makes you look hotter than the "other mom" and wear it casually next time he sees you. Yeah, sounds like I'm being a pig, but this battle is waged on many fronts.
Good luck! DNQ
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
Oh DNQ..I don't think you are a pig. And I don't think you are shallow for your opinion.
The fact is I had gained weight since my kids were born and didn't take care of myself. My H has always been so needy in the way of attention b/c he had such a rough childhood and was rejected by his mom. So, I spent most of my marriage trying to build him up and being so supportive - I don't regret that part. BUT, in the process, I forgot about me. So, I see that now.
Since we separated, I've lost the weight and than some. I've cut my hair short and bouncy (w/a little blonde, too!) and pretty much have a new wardrobe b/c nothing fit anymore!
I wear more fitted clothes and heals!! I feel pretty now.
Today, H dropped boys off at the pool and I was wearing my new bathing suit - 2 sizes smaller!! I think he noticed.
Being hotter than other mom...don't know about that. She is still thinner than I with long legs ... bleck! I know I have more character and prettier on the inside. Still hard to feel like I"m compared to her.
Thanks for your input DNQ. You really have some good insight. I appreciate it and your positive thoughts!
Thanks DNQ! You have helped me today!
bambam
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
Being hotter than other mom...don't know about that. She is still thinner than I with long legs ... bleck! I know I have more character and prettier on the inside. Still hard to feel like I"m compared to her. ============== I'd call her a hussy w/long legs, I also compare my self to long lost xow constantly, but the fact of the matter is that you are the mother of his children and you have more decency and worth than someone who spends too much time w/a married man and talks her business with 11yr old boys (pathetic!)
You are worth much more, dont' forget that.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, here is the update! Thanks for your encouragement!
Jazz - I acted superior! I walked in and right past other mom and sat on the wall by the dugout. I sat w/H little brother and the team would sit by us when at bat. She sat behind us s/stalker BF. WTF?????? She must be looney!
H talked to me throughout the game off and on. He said 0 to her the whole time I was there. Boys sat w/me and talked about the game. One son said "Mom, did you see her BF is there w/her?" I said, "Yep. Don't really understand that sitch, but it's not our problem." He smiled and was fine
After the game, she packed her stuff up and left. I hung around and talked to boys because they were going w/their dad. D7 and I left and went to eat w/my mom and sister. About 20 minutes later, H and boys walked in........alone! We pulled tables together and had a nice time.
H spent most of the time filling my sister and mom in on the mess his family (mom, sister, brother) have made of their lives. That's a whole separate thread!!!! He talked and was very pleasant.
So, I guess I feel much better. I think the message was clear and she must have gotten it too. I saw her look at me a few times and she had a scowl on her face. I sat and laughed and talked the entire time.
Thanks for your help! It gave me perspective!
Hope everyone has a great day!
bambam
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
