Is MC making it worse?

[TreadingWater]

H and I have been to 3 MC sessions. I've see the MC a few times before this, by myself. It was his idea to join me about 3 weeks ago. In the first session, she asked what our goal for MC was, and our general plan. I let H pretty much define this, and he came up with:

1. The goal is to better understand what happened. (Note no committment on work on anything.)
2. Make a decision by the end of June as to whether he files for divorce or not.

So, now we're about halfway through, and S says the MC sessions just make him feel sad and even less hopeful about us. He says he will "honor our agreement" and keep going, but he doesn't think it's helping.

So, where I could use help is how to respond to him. I'm thinking the best response is just to let him decide... "I'm happy to continue going to MC, but it's up to you." Then, just wait. He has an appt with her on Wednesday, so would have to take action to cancel it. It's just him this time, because I will be out of town. I actually think a session with just him will be good - it often feels like he's holding back because he doesn't want to hurt me. Maybe he will get more out of it, with me not there.

I actually think the sessions have been helpful with our stated goal - understanding what happened. But I guess it's questionable whether understanding what happened is all that useful until/unless S is interested in fixing things.

Has anyone had good restuls with MC with a still uncommitted S? Any suggestions?

[catfan]

Where's the focus on the future? Rehashing the past over and over isn't helpful. It's water under the bridge. Yes it's good to know what happened and why but that's it. You move forward in life and time not backwards.

Sounds like it's time to consider a goal update. As for the decision by the end of June, that's crazy because y'all haven't a clue where you want to go.

Now a question for you is do you know what you each want in life, in a relationship, in a marriage?

[TreadingWater]

The MC is really good about always making part of the understanding be "what could you do differently in this relationship or another one"? So that's the future part... using understanding the past to change the current R or prevent the problem in a future R.

Regarding a goal update... these are H's goals. They are not my goals, except that #1 is the "shared" goal for a MC sessions. I already told S that #2 is his - he already knows where I stand. S thinks he knows where he wants to go. He wants a D, so the end-of-June goal is not unrealistic, from his perspective.

My goal for MC is to save our marriage. Realizing this is entirely too big and vague, here are the "baby step" goals:

1. provide ideas/support for my (independent of MC) goals. For example, if I learn something in MC that I then implement, and see progress on my personal goals, that's a sign of success. This happened when I was seeing MC alone.
2. H makes a "for the marriage" change related to what we've talked about in MC. For example, if we talk about how making plans together makes use feel more connected, then S initiates making plans more, that's a success.
3. H stops talking about filing for D.

Regarding your goals question... this is definitelya problem for both of us. We don't have really specific goals for life and marriage. The MC asked me the "marriage goals" question during our first session, and I didn't have a very good answer.

[Karen58]

treading,

I'm on MLC but every now and then scroll thru the thread titles here and yours caught my eye b/c I have strong feelings about MC when the goals of the H and W are divergent. My H and I went to MC for a few months post-bomb, I (like you) wanting to keep the M and H wanting to get out. Once the MC learned that we had those two opposing goals she had a clear conflict of interest -- she could not work w/ both of us equally to achieve both our goals -- but she never suggested we stop. I did not "get" this at the time (I was a mess). At one point my H asked her about meeting separately w/ her but again that would have been a conflict of interest -- I was stronger by then (had my own separate C) and pushed back and pointed out the conflict and the MC agreed and declined (though initially considering it). In the end this MC took thousands of dollars from us in fees asking us about our feelings and dredging up the past, which completely polarized us -- every time I brought up something good H would shoot it down to support his having to leave -- sadly I stuck w/ it way too long b/c I was desperate to spend that little bit of time w/ my H, who I rarely saw otherwise, but it did so much harm.

W/ the different goals you and your H have and his not being interested (at this point) in working on your M I think you'd be better off going to your own C and putting the focus on getting yourself on an even keel and talking honestly about what you can consider to improve a R -- any R, be it your M or otherwise.

Just my $.02 but again I feel very strongly about this, we were M for 15+ years, S for 3 years and are now D and there's not much I regret about my efforts to try to save the shreds of my M once I saw them unraveling, but I do regret staying w/ MC.

-- Karen

[mkultra]

I really do think my MC made things worse and so does a lot of friendly advice from friends. MC probably works against DBing for me. MY therapist tried to provide inspiration for me to be a sinle mom like herself. She kept sending me messages that I would be OK if I had to be independent and to let him go since he clearly does not want me. My girlfriends said the same thing. I would have believed that too in the past. Now DB has made me look at Divorce differently. It really does not solve anything we expect it to solve.

[789]

When my W and I went to MC a couple years ago, which we both wanted to do, I think it was mostly a waste of time. She spent more time talking about our pasts and parents than of us, here and now, or a future of what either or both of us might want or wanted as the case is now. It also didn't help that both of us lied or maybe a better way of putting it is we each did not come forward with our whole truths about ourselves.

[mkultra]

We also had opposing goals, plus I was honest that I still loved him. Big mistake. Then I cried. Next mistake! No DBing in those sessions.

[789]

We, as in W and I had goals of making it work, hopefully still do, but that I do not know at the moment.
My W was in complete denial about her past, which I brought up during sessions, probably didn't help. As for me, no one, even W did not know of my past, so that hurdle which might have helped then, was a time bomb waiting to go off, and it did BIG TIME.