It's been quite some time since I have posted. H is in year 4 of mlc and things have been high and low. I can re-cap more later but right now I am very upset. I got home from work early yesterday and H hadn't cleared the history on the computer. He's always looked at porn here or there but I think it's crossed over into Addiction. He is also a heavy drinker and workaholic so he has a very addictive personality. I am so hurt and confused. I do not know the extent of this porn activity as he also has a secret e-mail account. Would the sites require an e-mail account or is this to speak to others on these sites? I am really run down and at a loss as to what to do next.
We have a trip planned for this weekend and I am ready to cancel it. I have not slept much and have an upset stomach.
I've been to Alanon and am thinking about going back. Gotta get back to work. I'll check back soon.
Thanks for your support, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
GEL (Greeneyedlass) would be the best one to talk to about porn sites - she has the experience with her H in that regard
GEL are you around?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Subscribing to a porn site usually requires an email address. You get email from the site noting that you subscribed, that your subscription was renewed or cancelled or a problem developed with your subscription, and sometimes you get your username and password sent to that email address. No sexual communication of any kind occurs through that email address, if we're talking about a regular porn site.
Adult Friend Finder is a different story. I don't have an account there, but I think that people communicate through email after finding each other on that site.
That said, if it's just movies and such, I don't think that's the main issue. The main issue is whether he's neglecting you. If he is, it doesn't make that much difference what he's neglecting you in favor of. If he's not, then his other interests, whatever they are, are not really interfering with your relationship unless you make them interfere by entering into a power struggle over them.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I haven't questioned him yet as to the details. He was going into work last night so I told him I knew about the sites and the e-mail account and we needed to talk.
I am worried that he might be contacting these people online. I have no idea. He has done the viewing stuff before but if it's interactive I won't put up with that. How do I approach this?
I'm getting used to this newer version of the board, so please bear with me.
I printed out a bunch of the sites. The sites seemed to have ads for the Adult Friend Finder on them. Is that normal that porn sites would have links to those interactive sites?
Our SL has gone downhill with his added drinking, working, and now the porn. At times it seems too much for me to handle.
Thanks for your support.
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
I printed out a bunch of the sites. The sites seemed to have ads for the Adult Friend Finder on them. Is that normal that porn sites would have links to those interactive sites?
Yes, that happens all the time.
Originally Posted By: SP1
Our SL has gone downhill with his added drinking, working, and now the porn. At times it seems too much for me to handle.
Thanks for your support.
The problem is that your SL has gone downhill. The drinking, working, and porn are just things that he does when he is withdrawn from you. The withdrawing, whatever form it takes, is the real problem.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Oh Lord, not another one! Ok, what type of website are we talking about just out of curiosity...strictly porn or something like Adult Friend Finder? Either is a problem, but IMPO one can be more dangerous than the other as far as possible infidelity goes. BOTH are dangerous to the marriage though.
If he's on AFF (adult friend finder) that's a BAD thing...that is a site where people go to hook up sexually. They e-mail, they can webcam, they can find people in their local area, and it often leads to people hooking up physically...if he's got stuff that shows this site, there's a VERY good chance he's got a profile on it.
Do you have a keylogger installed on your computer? If you don't...time to get one, if only to find out the extent of what you are dealing with so you know. It's been my experience that if he's viewing porn and hiding it from you that he definitely has a secret e-mail account...using a keylogger will give you all the info you need to get access to that account. If he's accessing something like AFF as well...you will get the info you need to get into that account too, to see what he's been up to.
I used this with my H and found out ALL sorts of stuff!
Please feel free to e-mail me if you need any support one-on-one anitam@nordam.com. Let me ask you this...is he approaching you at all sexually, or are you being ignored in favor of the porn?
No, I don't have a key logger but H is very computer savvy and would likey figure it out. He also has a lap top which I don't use.
I think I need to confront him and see what he says? The truth always comes out eventually, right?
He is definitately spiralling downwards with the drinking and increased porn. I pray he finds his bottom soon and gets help.
So what are your thoughts on the trip? I really want to cancel. I am so hurt and if he's in contact with w*res I won't be able to see straight.
Don't you think an Alanon meeting would be helpful. From what I've read a lot of men also have the porn addiciton in addition to the alcohol.
Ugh. I am at a loss for words right now. Thanks, SP
PS - Yes, he still sometimes approaches me for S. Not much though since he's either drinking or working. The porn goes on when I'm not at home or asleep and he's usually drinking during it. Lovely.
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
PS - Yes, he still sometimes approaches me for S. Not much though since he's either drinking or working. The porn goes on when I'm not at home or asleep and he's usually drinking during it. Lovely.
As one who has recently cut down drastically on my drinking I can say that, at least for me, while I was drinking I would be more prone to be having feelings of entitlement and would be more likely to both verbalize what I thought was wrong with the relationship and to take an "I don't give a crap" about whether what I said or did was harmful to the relationship. I was more apt to take the attitude of "Hell, why should I care if she isn't willing to step up to the plate and work on things". Now, to be fair, I still have those feelings frequently but I am able to keep it to myself or frame it in a better way.
My point is that if he is drinking heavily and is in a MLC (if there is such a thing), he most likely feels that you aren't giving him what he needs and the alcohol helps him rationalize the things he does in response. Have you talked to him about the drinking? Does he make excuses for it? I do think Alanon may be helpful to better enable you to see through his BS and maybe be able to discuss the drinking in a calm, adult manner.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I just checked my e-mail there's nothing there from you...would you mind resending it for me?quote] The truth always comes out eventually, right?[/quote]Ummm sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Often someone who is hiding something will deflect, deny, deflect, and deny, and then deflect and deny some more....while getting offended that you would ask of course too!
Your H may be computer savvy...but usually all it takes with someone like him is ONE day and if he doesn't suspect that you'd log his activities...he won't be looking for it.
Anyway...as for the Alanon, yes...good idea. The weekend...I'm not so sure about. Who is it you think he's in contact with?
Thanks for checking in on me...GEL I don't have the e-mail anymore. It basically said the same as the post above. We were having internet problems so maybe that's why it did not arrive on your end.
Update: H called me this afternoon. Had not spoken since I found the recent porn. He said he was sorry and I asked about the e-mail account and he said he is viewing and not interacting with anyone. I realize this may not be truth. Right now I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's never done the interacting before which is what freaked me out more than the viewing. He said those type of things pop up while he's on the site. I had no actual links of the AFF web site. It was an ad type thing. Believe me I won't put up with interacting with w*res on those sites.
I am going to go on the trip since he's apologized and says he's not interacting with people on those sites. I have found some helpful info at http://www.no-porn.com. I do plan to start up with some Alanon meetings as his drinking is affecting me just like this porn.
Baltom - He doesn't think he has a problem. Basically, he's in denial about the drinking. It has been getting worse and the porn is something that is progressing with it. Thanks for your input.
You all have helped me thru today and I thank you. I will check in next week when I get back. One day at a time over here...
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
