Mine claims he met her after he moved out but I suspect he has known her for quite some time. I also caught him e-mailing and speaking with an ex-girlfriend after he told me he hasn't seen or spoken to her in years. Funny thing is that it was a gut feeling I had - turns out he had been e-mailing her for 4 years.
At this point in time I do not believe my wife has OM, but I have thought there has been many times before. Of course I cant be 100% sure that she doesnt, but for the first time since this started I am far more certain she doesnt than certain that she does, haha. I have caught a text message on her phone when this mess first started from some dude telling her he loves her and telling her she is beautiful, but she has sworn up and down that was some loser she met at one of her friends house who was visiting out of town and trying to have a one night stand with her. I guess she met this guy at a party and she liked the attention, but when he started to tell her he loved her (after meeting her once) she told her friend to tell him to leave her alone, I asked her if this guy was better looking than me and she started laughing and said no. Then there is some guy she works with that she has been friends with for over a year that has kind of had me worried, but I dont think he would even be interested in her. To me my wife is beautiful, but this guy only seems to be interested in the "model" type of women.
For me I try not to think or worry about that because it would drive me crazy.
At this point (4 months separation, 1 year of having real M problems) Hubby firmly insists "No". I still have my doubts, but that is ingrained into my personality.
I suspect EA at least, if not a PA, with 25 year old personal trainer.
HOWEVER, I assume you ask this question to us all because you are "FISHING". I'll tell you from experience, BACK OFF from this question eating you alive! Take it from me it can ruin everything.
Sit down and soul-search. Figure out what it means to you. Will you still love them and want them if there was an affair? Make up you mind right now and move forward. The details do not matter.
My husband left and I went crazy, it "reaffirmed" all my fears and I went nuts during our separation (I have known about the personal trainer for 9 months prior). I got totally out of control when I should have been focusing on the marriage. I made a mess of things and showed my husband the worst side of me. Especially since there was no affair! My behavior drove him away even further.
Don't worry about the odds. Worry about what it means to you and WALK FORWARD. Plenty of people survived affairs (even imaginary ones) and went on to have better marriages.
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
My H has OW, though he doesn't consider her to be an OW because he didn't start dating her until after he'd moved out. She's just his girlfriend, and a sign that he's "moving on" with his life.
I'm quite confident that he wasn't with anyone else before he moved out. I suspect that part of him moving out was that he wanted to hop into bed with someone else, (lacklustre sex life was one of our issues), but couldn't bring himself to do it while we were still technically together and living under the same roof.
Originally Posted By: catfan
As for my situation, I don't know what to think and know I can't let it control me in any way. I can't control what my wife does or does not do. I can only trust that she does the "right" thing. If having an EA/PA means she finds out our relationship and marriage are more important then who am I to argue with that? Sure it would be hard to deal with but then again the flip side is she would be and want to be with me in a loving, respectful and nuturing relationship.
I think I'll adopt that line of thinking. Putting a positive spin on my H having a R with OW seems kind of crazy, but if it helps save my sanity a bit, then I'm all for it!
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
At this point (4 months separation, 1 year of having real M problems) Hubby firmly insists "No". I still have my doubts, but that is ingrained into my personality.
I suspect EA at least, if not a PA, with 25 year old personal trainer.
HOWEVER, I assume you ask this question to us all because you are "FISHING". I'll tell you from experience, BACK OFF from this question eating you alive! Take it from me it can ruin everything.
Sit down and soul-search. Figure out what it means to you. Will you still love them and want them if there was an affair? Make up you mind right now and move forward. The details do not matter.
My husband left and I went crazy, it "reaffirmed" all my fears and I went nuts during our separation (I have known about the personal trainer for 9 months prior). I got totally out of control when I should have been focusing on the marriage. I made a mess of things and showed my husband the worst side of me. Especially since there was no affair! My behavior drove him away even further.
Don't worry about the odds. Worry about what it means to you and WALK FORWARD. Plenty of people survived affairs (even imaginary ones) and went on to have better marriages.
I was just asking to see out of curiosity, at this point I enjoy taking care of me, GAL and detaching has helped. And if there is/was another person, that’s on her, she has to deal with what she has done sooner or later.
If there was an affair and I knew about it, I would not take W back. Too many people think that they can go and look for the bigger better deal, greener grass, or whatever you want to call it. Is the LBS suppose to be waiting with open arms if it doesn’t work out? With our instant gratification society, be happy and do what you want attitude, doing the right thing is not what goes through most people’s minds these days. “I want to be happy” most choose momentary happiness over the commitment that was made to the other person. But only a few people do the right thing and the right thing is to honor the commitment and the vows that we've made! We all go through temptations everyday and that's part of life, but how we react to those temptations is the test.
Marriage vows should be changed to: “until unhappiness do us part”.
Me: 37 WAW: 31 M: 6 Years No Kids BOMB: 9/4/06 D: 9/16/07 my sitch
ShesGreat - I'm glad you posted this thread. I have made up my mind to believe my H when he insists (and now makes a joke out of my questioning) that there's no OW for the same reason many people here have said - it just doesn't do me any good to focus on the what-if. I'm healthier for looking at me and moving along, and I figure if there has been an OW not being exposed (! ) now, we will deal with that later if we need to. As for how I would deal with that, I don't know. I guess it would matter how the whole thing happened and where H&me are and what we are trying to do... so too complicated again to worry about today!
I say I'm glad you posted this thread, though, b/c when I was thinking this topic through earlier in our separation, I had many people here on DB.com suggest any disbelief in an OW was naive. The posters on this thread, though, lead me to believe that, naive or not, I'm in good company to just not focus on the question.
Hope all of the responses help you with your own sitch.
This may come out the wrong way but sometimes I think the OW is actually the OM, not in a sexual way, but in a dependent way. Not Brokeback, but maybe, I don't know. My husband is straight but he hangs out a lot with this loser. My male friends say that he hangs out with this loser because he does not feel judged. His good friends would tell him to get his life on track, but by hanging out with a drug abusing alcoholic practically homeless guy, he can just act like a child and watch TV. Neither guy seems gay, but they text all the time which is weird and alien to me. But I am here so I guess that could be weird too.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I do not think I could deal with finding out about another preson but why else would he be so happy to be away from his wife and kids? I do not understand men. How can it be so easy to leave? Is it biology? I would feel torn apart to be away from my kids because they are so young. That makes me figure he is in love with someone else.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I do not think I could deal with finding out about another preson but why else would he be so happy to be away from his wife and kids? I do not understand men. How can it be so easy to leave? Is it biology? I would feel torn apart to be away from my kids because they are so young. That makes me figure he is in love with someone else.
I really do not think that means someone else is in their life. As how can he be happy being away, I have no clue. You put "I do not understand men", well I have the same problem but it is the women. It is not a female or male thing, I think it is a mental thought that is going thru the head that tells them they would be better off / happier without us as part of there lives.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
) now, we will deal with that later if we need to. As for how I would deal with that, I don't know. I guess it would matter how the whole thing happened and where H&me are and what we are trying to do... so too complicated again to worry about today!