Actually it had the oppersite effect, it gave me the kick I needed to pick myself up & take a good long look at myself.
Borrowing from someone else on these boards (sofaraway?), we have been given a gift, really. Think of it that way. The gift is a second chance, the opportunity to turn yourself into the person YOU (note - not your W) really want to be, and to have the life YOU want to have. Seize it!
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Unfortunately I have to say that there is no way to create more contact.
Sorry I forgot to question this...This goes back to the subject of going dark...Am I correct in saying that I dont really have a chioce in the matter? I may as well carry on the way I am doing, which is not trying to contact her, which is dark?
No way to create more contact, or no way to create more contact that isn't likely to be detrimental to his goal of saving the M? I guess either way it sounds like that ball is in her court, and you'll just have to wait and see.
Any thoughts on whether he should reach out to her with a letter or call or something to let her know that he loves her, would be interested in reconciling (or some words to that effect, and/or that he has been using this time to really take a hard look at himself and he sees how some of this things he was doing really hurt her and their relationship? He could add that he is working on those things so he can be the man he wants to be in a relationship hopefully with her, but if not with someone else.
Just thinking out loud.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I thought about the same thing, with the letter or something along those lines.After all as it stands now, I don't think it could make it any worse lol
I will probably wait just a little while longer & see how it goes over the next week
A side note to mention is that it should be/ is our Anniversary in a week & half time too
Strange I just skimmed your thread, and from what I read your sitch is alot like mine, with the exception that we have a child so there is about 2 or 3 times a week interaction.
What really struck me was what you said about her watching TV, and me (oops I mean you) on the computer. Pretty much the same here. I got wrapped in my stuff and she in hers, and down we went.
One thing I did, is that I did send a letter, and also told her in person. That I thought our marriage was worth saving, I still for the most part feel that way. It might be contrary to DB advice, but I felt it was important that I got that out there before I went dark. So.......basically I know I did what I could do, and the ball is in her court!........
My sympathies that you find yourself in this position. I know it all too well. In fact, our situations have a lot in common.
Prepare yourself for when she cycles back towards you. It happened to me and I read too much into her actions. I was totally unprepared to handle it (passionate kisses, a 'date').
Things fizzled with the OM and I think she reached out to me for emotional support. It was a critical time that could have been handled better. Strongly suggest you read James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. Remember it when the time comes.
Finances: You mentioned this was a major issue. Check out http://www.daveramsey.com for some excellent fiscal advice. It will help you whether you are with her or not.
She can enter your home at will? I wonder if you shouldn't change the locks. You wouldn't just walk into where she lives, so why should she be able to come and go in your home. Thoughts from others on this?
Best of luck to you.
-db
B42, M15yrs, T16, No Kids 8-06: Buying house 8-8: Bomb 8-16: Served 9-11: D final 9-28: She moved out 12-3: PA-her 9-26-07: Last time I saw her. My sitch.
She can enter your home at will? I wonder if you shouldn't change the locks. You wouldn't just walk into where she lives, so why should she be able to come and go in your home. Thoughts from others on this?
I changed the locks on "my" house back in March. My intent was not to lock the W out but (1) her entire extended family, everyone and their dog had a key, (2) I did it to take back control of my life. At the time my depression went from practically suicidal to a level that I was able to manage with a little PMA. W didn't respond to favorably to it. Did it have an impact on her position on the M, I doubt it.
gonna try to shoot from the hip, based on my sitch, the only difference is W and I have kids, so i see alll of them quite often...
With no contact, you pretty much leave everything in Gods hands as well as your Ws hands. You have to do for yourself, and let the A with OM run its course, because with my sitch, my W had blinders on to any reconcilation efforts on my part..so with their needs being meet by OP, they have no need for the the LBS until the A is over, or at least dimishing.
An A is just a symptom of deeper issues...with your W. You may have played a part in the triggering of this, but she is probably dealing with more confusion and pain than you are...I only believe this because i have seen it in my W, and have seen it on many posts here.
And yes, these issues surfaced way before the bombs, so remember that its not 100 percent you, or her.
Also, one more thing. I believe you mentioned something about losing the need, but now finding the want..THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR R AND M..My W was is essence, my mother and all that, I ended up being the dependent in the M. I needed her...I had to drop that and when I did, I felt the love I havent felt for her in a long time, and she noticed.
Best thing overall...make use of the contact you do have with her...no matter how..emails, phone, face to face contact..she will notice in a heartbeat if anything is different about you, good or bad.
Hope I didnt repeat any advice on here, you already heard. Good Luck to you.
Thankyou all for the advice it helps alot. I'm sorry to read that you have sitch's like mine.
About the key thing...I'm not sure why I have not asked for it, accept legally it is still her house as much as mine. She has expressed wishes that she has left it behind & that she wants nothing from it. She was concerned that I would have nowhere to go, so as it is now, I am keeping the house. We were going to sort that out by legal terms but this is something that has yet to happen. This may be a fools trust, but I do trust her to enter the house at will, but I see your points that it's not right either.
Also on trust, we still have a joint back account that she has access to, this is short term & was too complicated to change at the time (Most of the bills are paid from this account) I did notice a week ago that money had infact been added to this account, she has put money in, it's a complicated story.....Loan that she took out to pay our credit card was paid from this account, one payment left the account after she left me. I did question it but got the excuse it was insurance that we pay. So for whatever reason, she put the money back into the account.
All of this seems to make my sitch more crazy to me, it's as if she still shows concern for me by wanting to keep the worry of debt from me. She's left a house that we worked so hard for & wants nothing from it, she seems happy that i am able to continue to live here.
With the contact thing..I'm not going to cut ties in full, but I think the best thing for me is to call now & then & test the water. Up to now that does'nt seem to have gone to far wrong, we are talking friendly, as I have said, so it's sort of progress or at least it's not got worse. I will keep posting here & spewing out my dribble as it does help to just get it off my chest.
Thanks again for the adivice & I wish you all the best with your own situations too.
