Well, the time is officially here. The papers are finalized and my H and I will be seeing each other for the first time in 9+ months to sign them. On one hand, I'm excited to see him so that he can see how well I'm doing and looking because he is truly missing out on the best me I've ever been. On the other hand, I'm (obviously) nervous and depressed about the whole thing. My friend who is divorced told me that it's the strangest feeling when you sign the papers because when it's done and over, you say goodbye and basically know you'll probably never see each other again. I've had little to no contact with him in a long, long time, but that thought is awful. I mean, we've been e-mailing back and forth a bit and he even called and chatted with me for an hour about what's going on in his life, but that's it. His life is a complete mess, but I just sat and listened to his stories. At this point, what does it matter to me if he has no job and can't pay his bills. But it felt SO GOOD to talk to him - it's like talking to an old friend. The only difference is that it's all on his terms and if I called for help, he'd ignore my calls.
It's slightly enraging to me that I feel this way still. I know that my H is in a full-blown MLC. He's turned into a complete loser - not paying his bills, quitting his job, not talking to any of his family, hanging out with village idiots - and I'd be a little afraid it would happen all over again. I've been with him since I was 16, so I'd love for him to get himself together, but...I can't be a spectator to his mess anymore.
I don't know if the "end" of this situation looming over me is making me feel like I want to grab on by my fingernails and not let go again. I guess I just wish I had the option to say yes or no. Instead, I have none. He left without giving me a chance.
And worst of all, I feel like I have to keep these feeling under wraps because my friends think getting back together with him is a non-issue. Like he could come crawling on broken glass and I should tell him to take a hike.
Maybe I'd feel differently if I had found someone else, but I'm in no rush. Plus, since I've been with my H so long, I have very little "mojo." I wasn't going to flirt when I was married, so I think I never learned how. LOL.
Long story short, two years into this and I still feel like crying about it. It's just all so sad.
Anyway...just getting it out...
Sitch:
34
H 35
M 12 years; together 17 years
No kids
Atomic Bomb 7/19/05
I think it is normal to have those feelings with the d looming. It probably feels like being right at the beginning of this whole thing. Let those feelings wash over you. Take the time you need to grieve your m. It will help you move on to the next step. Just keep moving forward. Take it one day at a time. Take all the time you need. Work through all those feelings no matter how painful. It is time to heal so those old wounds do not keep resurfacing. You decide when you are ready.
It doesn't feel quite that bad, but it feels worse than it has in a long time. I guess the best way for me to look at things is that I'm moving on, but that doesn't mean that things might not work out for me and my H. I'm not going to wait around, but stranger things have happened. I'm sure there are situations on this board where people have gotten back together with their spouses after they were divorced.
The fact that these words are coming out of my mouth at all is crazy.
Sitch:
34
H 35
M 12 years; together 17 years
No kids
Atomic Bomb 7/19/05
I am sure that there are many reconcilliations after d. D is just a piece of paper. The important thing is that you keep moving forward. When the time comes it will be your choice whether you want him back or not.
Sorry to see yet another mlc survivor complete a D. But you know you are the survivor and he is the casualty. It is not surprising that this step in the process is causing you to wonder "what if".
Most of us did/do/will. Holidays will bring this feeling back also. But you will work through it with less stress each time. I know some try to come back after the D. I think it is more difficult for them, and for the LBS than many posts on this forum indicate. There is huge guilt the mlc didn't handle well during the crisis, and they would struggle badly to handle it after the D also. Some may try.
Right now you secretly feel you would try to accept a real apology from someone appearing to be your old H. Your old H is not likely to show up any time soon. If the mlc tried to come back to you, he would be changed a lot by this whole experience and you may not want him. We have all read that they forget things they said and did during the crisis.
I recently read posts by someone who's WAS seems to be coming out of the mlc tunnel only to blame the LBS for not "fighting harder for the M". Excuse me ... we crawled, begged, wanted to die, had to let go and start our life over ...
If your H became one of those coming out of mlc only to blame you further for the damage he created ... what would he be good for and why would you go through more of the same insanity?
I know you wish you had that option, and I hope one day you get it. I won't be surprised in a year to see you back here updating us on the fact that you have met someone really very special and moved on, only to get a phone call from a crying xH. Your post will probably include a common theme "too little too late".
Imagine how sad and surprised they are to hear the same words we heard when we were fighting so hard to save something they were so determined to end.
Chin up. Take the high road. Live for today and tomorrow, not yesterday.
Lizarina...you move on..you can leave the door ajar for xh...thats all you can do anf know that you are the one who gets to make the choice
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Regarding the comment "you did not fight hard enough..." I have heard that too, and nearly fainted. Unbelievable.
But (trying not to get caught in the trap of analyzing) I can see it from THEIR perspective (not the one I agree with, of course).
In my case, I think it's said with the intention of spreading guilt and blame for the demise of the M and the end outcome - "this wasn't just my fault, you were holding the knife too." While they're heaping and avoiding guilt, it's just one more thing to avoid b/c taking the sole blame for a horrific turn is hard (not much sympathy, don't worry!).
I also think partly, they really DO feel that way. And I say this, b/c I have felt that way, too. As with all of us, when the bomb is first dropped, we go through an intense period of self-reflection and self-blame. We take inventory of all our transgressions in the M, and work to change, feverishly. While we feel badly, there is also an undercurrent of disbelief...."what? I know I wasn't the best W, but you weren't supposed to walk away from me. You were not supposed to give up. You were supposed to believe in me and stand by my side as I changed for better."
I know this is presumptuous, but it's also the reason why we feel that so much of this is "unfair" even when we know that we were not our best, either. We expected them to stand and try. They did not.
Now, when they say things like this...I can't help but to wonder if it's a similar sentiment. "But, I know I was horrible, but I was "sick".....didn't you take me for better/worst? I wanted you to be the lighthouse..you have up on me and the M." I also suspect that it's out of regret, too.
Who knows....but it's just like you said W2S....hearing the same things they said years ago, but returned.
