Hey all -- I was just reading how threads get locked, and it occurred to me my old thread threatens to do that. SO, JustD, I hope you follow to here, and I'll try to get a new thread going.
I've gone dark, too... except to answer emails or IMs. I stayed in bed yesterday morning and made sure I left for the Y before he came by last night. Then this morning, I went to the Y extra early to make sure I wasn't here again. Hello? I left the Y an hour later and he dropped J off AFTER I got out of the shower. When I heard the garage door open, I went upstairs until he left, but that made me feel like a chicken &^%$.
Yesterday, in the IM conversation, he said "I'm working on being your friend, not your nemesis." I think he meant he doesn't want me to be HIS nemesis. All I answered back was "okay".
He also asked about the party I'm going to Friday night and said he was gonna spend time with the fellas. I bit my tongue and didn't ask for specifics. I did say something about if he can find time to hang with the fellas, I assumed we could have date night soon. He said he was just filling in time while I was gone. He told me to not cancel though, that it was fine and I said I wasn't going to. Through further conversation, he said he was talking about "a boys night in" with the kids. I told him good cuz I might need a designated driver and he said he would do that for me.
He emailed me today asking if I was taking the boys to Music on Main tomorrow night and I said yes, did he want to come. He responded "if I do, it will have to be after 8... we'll talk about it tonight". I emailed him back saying I thought that's why he asked. I had planned to do the Y thing again to just be out of the house. So now, I don't know... I guess I'll play it by ear.
Wow, JustD, you sound like you are doing some strong 180 with the amount of darkness (is that the right way to refer to it?) you are using. Do you sense any difference in his questions and concern or is it too soon to tell?
I'm on day 3 of being dark - or at least twilight - and have done pretty well. I have only talked with H when he has been at our house with the boys, and then only to clarify scheduling things. I'm not being rude, just polite. I don't know if it will make any difference anytime soon, but it is helping me some.
I wish, still, that I could exorcise out of me the regret and blueness about our situation. I am finding that it sneaks up more these past few days - like I forget we are separated and H currently is so set on a divorce ... and then it dawns on me again. Blah!
I had a C visit today. We are working on my own issues of feeling like I have failed and my inability to forgive myself for those times. My sister keeps telling me I didn't fail with those particular instances, but I know that it's the feeling, not the knowing, that's the problem. (IE: I KNOW that these are not times I failed, but I feel like they are. ) The result of today's session was that I was really sad for a while, but by this afternoon I was feeling more calm. I can't tell if that calmness is b/c the therapy is working or just that I'm worn out from the sadness.
The rain is starting to get on my nerves - we have had rain at least five days out of the last seven. We had really rainy summers in 1993 & 1999, and I think we are looking at another one this summer. Summer here in Iowa can be really wonderful - not too hot and lovely evenings - but the rainy summers can be real downers. I'll try not to overguess and just take it one day at a time.
Other than all of this, my day's been ok. I hope your evening is good.
I had a C visit today. We are working on my own issues of feeling like I have failed and my inability to forgive myself for those times. My sister keeps telling me I didn't fail with those particular instances, but I know that it's the feeling, not the knowing, that's the problem. (IE: I KNOW that these are not times I failed, but I feel like they are. ) The result of today's session was that I was really sad for a while, but by this afternoon I was feeling more calm. I can't tell if that calmness is b/c the therapy is working or just that I'm worn out from the sadness.
Anned,
You should give yourself a little more credit...you're dealing with this sitch as best as possible. If anything, the calmness will definitely help you cope. Just use the time to focus on your kids...they'll be thankful for it later on.
I know what you mean about the remorse. BUT I'm gonna tell you what a GF and my C have said. First, C says I'm harder on myself than anyone else. I can only guess the same goes for you. Second, my GF can't believe how much blame I take for our marital problems. She likens my depression to cancer... he was mad (is mad) because he felt I abandoned him during my depression. She said what if it was cancer? Well, DH doesn't really believe in depression, so it's kind of a moot point. Anyway, *I* know things I did wrong and I've told DH that the pain I caused him those years hurts me MORE than the pain HE has caused me. If I could go back and do it all over again, I'd never take him for granted. And I did. I REALLY felt like a princess and he treated me like one... until well.. yeah... it makes me cry just thinking about it.
There was a time before he had his A... the same month... we were in Disney earlier that month and we got into a huge fight. He was hurting because I never wanted to have sex, I never touched him and he didn't think I loved him. So I tried really hard to show him after that. I remember one day telling him "this loving thing is so hard". It was soon after, he had the A and walked the first time. (He had a PA the day before our 18th wedding anniversary... took her flowers the morning of our anniversary and took her to lunch at a really nice restaurant on our anniversary. We went for burgers with the kids. ) Anyway, he left 2 days after our anniversary promising there was no one else and that he didn't think he could love me the way I needed to be loved... he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. He came back that Friday night and told me about the A. I laughed!! I thought it was a joke and said so. I said "you're just testing me". He wasn't. My whole entire world fell apart... and I did with it. I found her number and called her that night and said some not so nice things. I called her back after he took the phone and just left it off the hook. Then I (honestly) called her again on Sunday (it really was by accident) and as soon as I got her voice mail, I hung up. Well, she cried to DH that she was breaking it off with him because she didn't want some crazy lady calling and saying anything to her kids. He called me PISSED!! Oh, I went off... saying she should have thought about that before she opened her legs to him... funny how he cared more about her kids than his own. It was all the truth... and all ugly.
I don't know why I'm telling you the whole story... I just wanted to show you how I messed up that time in Disney and after (and how he did try to reach out) and how I do take a lot of blame for my marriage falling apart. My GF says I take too much blame and I need to forgive myself. I have forgiven him, but not myself. I think I have until I talk about it and it's evident that I haven't.
He came and got 2 of the boys and went to Blockbuster. He didn't discuss tomorrow night and I won't. I look at everything as rejection, so I feel if I don't initiate than I can't be rejected.
I hear what you mean about the impact depression can have! I now think I was depressed for much of the past few years, but I didn't recognize it at the time b/c I was on antidepressants (! )at the time.
My failures and need to forgive, though, go back all the way to childhood. These are things I took on as an oldest child -- the need to protect my siblings, the need to protect my parents -- even though there weren't real reasons to do so. When the inevitable happened - events outside my control that kept me from protecting my family - I began to attempt to control my environment even more so I could avoid the anxiety and fear. When big events like a date rape when I was a teenager and my sister's suicide/death are dealt in - not to even mention the potential failure of my marriage, I have created a ginormous control issue - and sense of failure. All of this cumulative anxiety and neuroses (is this TMI yet??? ) I know didn't help things as H&me struggled with our separate issues that then led to him leaving.
SO, it's time to take apart the build-up and hopefully be a calmer, less controlling, less co-dependent person for the second half of my life!!! I've decided this is what I need to do to GAL.
Okay, so how do I take this? We talked about tomorrow night. He said he'd meet me there around 8 - 8:30. I said well, it ends at 9, do you just want me to drop off the boys and he said no, I'll meet you down there (Music on Main). I gave him an out, but even if it's just for 30 minutes, he wants to come with us?
When he was here, he sat down and put his feet up for a while. I got 3 nice kisses (is that keeping score?) and I think he flirted. He was saying he wants to see Oceans 13 and the next Die Hard movie. I said I do, too and he said maybe if we could get our schedules together, I might get lucky. Then he mentioned something about tequila (which will be served at this party Friday night) and he made a reference to Brad Paisley's song "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off".
Oh and your last paragraph? That describes me... LOL!! I think I'm doing pretty well trying to GAL. During my depression, I slept a lot and didn't do much with the boys. Now I'm really trying. Tomorrow, we're gonna go to a park that has fountains that the kids can run through. It's not a park with swings or anything... just a nice big open area with these fountains. Before? Uh yeah, no I would have considered it and then dismissed it unless DH wanted to go, too. It's kinda nice... I hope these are the days my kids remember about their childhood.
I don't know how to figure what your DH is doing. His response to you is so opposite to where my H is right now ... From my perspective, it seems like yours is either wanting to begin to take everything to the next level and restart the courting process - or he's wanting to lull you into letting him stay with what he's got going now. I'm really clueless ... sorry.
Today I'm trying to hold onto my wits. With the IC yesterday, I know that I'm emotionally vulnerable, and I risk pursuing H for some emotional connection. WHICH I know I will not get!
SO, I'm trying to stay alert and if the boys have their concert tonight (they are both playing in the municipal band, but the concert might be cancelled b/c of rain), I'm going to try to be aware and not give in to breaking my current run of distancing.
Think of me and send me warm wishes, please. I'm going to protect my heart today!
One day at a time, right?
He told me to not cancel though, that it was fine and I said I wasn't going to. Through further conversation, he said he was talking about "a boys night in" with the kids. 
I told him good cuz I might need a designated driver and he said he would do that for me. 
) I know didn't help things as H&me struggled with our separate issues that then led to him leaving. 
I've decided this is what I need to do to GAL.