Just checking in on you - and good day for it too, it seems, as you seemed a bit down and overwhelmed yesterday. Well today is your new day, and you are amazing. I read in your posts such strength, such poise and elegance, and you are such a great and loving mom, so intelligent, so clear. I was thinking about what you said about how good it feels to be single now - to be able to make your own decisions, chart your own course for the day and week - what a blessing that is! And as you get to enjoy that more and more, your kids will feel that calm and assurance (and experience that fun happy side of you!) and feel the relief of the drama and turmoil being gone (at least when they are with you). Because you have done, and continue to do, good work on yourself.
It does not surprise me that your S got ill and had the attack while with your H. So much of those breathing issues are anxiety and stress related. Your S is being exposed energetically to things that don't work for him. It is confusing, overwhelming, stiffling for him, smothering, he feels out of control, like he needs to get out or he will die - this is how his body is reacting. It does not surprise me that he was back to normal after being with you a bit, in his "safe zone". So just keep loving him, cuddling him, and being that safe space for him. Hopefully at some point you will even be able to talk to your H about this, and what he can do to have S's world feel more nurturing, less chaotic. Although probably your H will have to get there himself first. Nonetheless, sometimes they can do for a child what they might not be able to do just for themselves. it is worth a convo, for your S's sake.
However - try to focus on the good things about your H, as much as you can. He did do the right thing, with the shower for S. He is seeing his kids. He brought S home to you, knowing it would be better for S with you than with him. Etc. The more you can focus on the positive aspects of your H and your H's behavior, the more those positives will show up. And that will help your kids, and you.
I understand why you would not want to be with him anymore, don't get me wrong. But if you try to create a space where he could show up as a success instead of a failure, he just might surprise you! These things don't happen overnight, but it would be better for your kids, and healthier for you, if you could just focus on what H does that works.
My two cents! Because the anger, frustration, or lack of appreciation for H is all in your world, affecting you. And you are too great to give that energy away on his account.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Steve ~ You're right about the oscillations. At least the down times don't last as long anymore. And, as you say, I have the skills I need to get beyond that.
ISLH ~ Thanks for your words of wisdom. Who knows if they've accepted her or not? I was upset b/c we're not D'd, and I don't think it's appropriate to be welcoming her into the family, but it wouldn't surprise me if they think we ARE D'd. It's not like H would tell them anything.
The good thing that came out of realizing that something could happen to my kids when I'm not there, is that it drives home the point to always say good-bye on good terms.
FIB ~ I haven't talked to my MIL or FIL in months, and not about H in well over a year. My SIL and I still see each other occasionally, but we do not discuss H at all. At least your ILs had the guts to say something to your W; mine are wimps. Hmmmm, I wonder why he's so non-confrontational?
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I read in your posts such strength, such poise and elegance, and you are such a great and loving mom, so intelligent, so clear... And as you get to enjoy that more and more, your kids will feel that calm and assurance (and experience that fun happy side of you!) and feel the relief of the drama and turmoil being gone (at least when they are with you). Because you have done, and continue to do, good work on yourself.
Thank you. And I agree that my children will benefit and, in fact, are benefiting from my newfound sense of peace, such as it is.
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So much of those breathing issues are anxiety and stress related. Your S is being exposed energetically to things that don't work for him.
That is such in interesting take on the situation. In fact, the ped said it was anxiety-related. So the little guy started coughing, got anxious, and then had to go and find H, who was in bed with his g/f. No matter how much S5 likes her, she's not me. And, as you say, he is not "safe" with H b/c there is so much change with him, no real stability.
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Hopefully at some point you will even be able to talk to your H about this, and what he can do to have S's world feel more nurturing, less chaotic. Although probably your H will have to get there himself first. Nonetheless, sometimes they can do for a child what they might not be able to do just for themselves. it is worth a convo, for your S's sake.
I actually brought this up in mediation (stability), but H just seems to think I'm jealous of his g/f. He just does not seem to "get" that the children both need a more stable environment. However, perhaps once he stabilizes himself (if ever), that will happen.
H will be taking the kids on vacation for the last week of July. It will be interesting to see if he takes ow and her son along. I hope not b/c I think the kids deserve some time alone with him. But I'll bet she'll be spending at least a few days w/ them.
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These things don't happen overnight, but it would be better for your kids, and healthier for you, if you could just focus on what H does that works.
This is a good point. I think I've somehow skipped a step, and gone from "positive expectations" straight to "negative expectations," but skipped over "NO expectations"! I feel like everything H does has some ulterior motive. Unfortunately, that's usually the case, but it doesn't help to focus on it. You're right that I'm using up my energy in a negative way.
Thank you so much for this; it's very helpful.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
All my talk about H and his gf is getting me too hot under the collar!
So, other stuff...
My sweet little doggie is sick again. Her heart murmer turned out to be nothing btw. I took her to a cardiologist and she was fine. $500 later, I decided to get insurance in case something else happened (it won't cover heart stuff). Well, thank goodness I did! It's $40 a month, so pretty expensive, but now she's got a cyst on her esophagus.
I've spent the last three weeks taking her back and forth to the vet for various tests. Finally, I took her to the vet school here - about an hour away in the country - and they did an endoscopy, biopsy and throat dilation. This worked, but she has to go again in a week for another endo and possible dilation. It usually takes two.
Up to now, I've spent around $1,500 on this, and will easily spend another $1,000 b/c she'll need two more endoscopies most likely. Holy smokes!
Anyway, she's doing well, but needs four meds twice a day.
Aside from that, my D had her last day of grade 4 today. She got all As on her report card, except for two Bs in gym - her mother's daughter, what can I say? Actually her dad is the same, poor kid! We went out for a sushi lunch to celebrate.
We have a long weekend b/c it's Quebec's "national" holiday on Sunday. I haven't got any plans, but am trying to find something to do. No biggie if I miss the fireworks, though, b/c we will them at Disney.
Speaking of which...I'm getting all set to go. We leave Tues am!!!! I'm so excited!
I'm also getting a new cell phone today - lost my other one. No surprise, since I lose it constantly, but I really can't find it now. I wanted it for the trip, so I upgraded. New one is really cool!
And I'm getting my central a/c done the day after we return! H always refused to do it b/c he is in an a/c office all day and we have a unit in the bedroom. But I'm home all summer and it can get really hot here. Even if it's only hot hot hot for a few weeks, I like to sleep! And the poor kids always end up in my room if it's too hot.
I spoke to my L today, briefly, and we will speak again tomorrow, so he can hopefully give me his opinion on spousal support before I go. Then I can tell H and he can decide what he wants to do - see a L or agree. Ugh - not looking forward to that discussion. Actually, I don't think I'll discuss it at all; I'll just tell him whatever my L says and that's it.
With all this going on, I've actually hardly thought about H.
Okay, off to pick up S5 from daycare!
Love to you all, my friends!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Geesh Nicola you have been one busy lady! You guys are going to have so much fun on your trip. I am so excited for you!!! Can't wait to see the pictures.
Much love to you!
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
Have a fantastic time at the Magic Kingdom. These are the moments your kids will look back on and remember as they grow older. Creat memories, good happy, MY MOM ROCKS memories.
We all want to see a "screaming at the top of your lungs, eyes as big as plates, on the roller coaster" picture when you get back!
Sunscreen like crazy too, you are entering the banana belt!
Hey Nicola it will be two years on 11th August and I am going out in Sydney with a bunch of friends to celebrate big time
life gets better by the day I hardly think of him at all and then of course the bugger calls out of the blue still havn't worked out what he wants
last time though he did help me fix a few things in the house and took the globe out of my headlights and showed me how to put in a replacement for when I got it
but overall I'm not even bothering about him - he's not my problem I do however make sure I am stunning when he comes over 'out of the blue' (he calls to make sure I am here)
sucked in to him is all I can say
having a great time with friends and spending lots of time with my daugher and helping her get where she wants to be in her life
am getting to be a bit of a specialist at all this extreme 4WDing stuff whoo hooo
met some guys but am really not too interested - friends only at the moment besides friends are forever
you sound like you are doing well its a bit hard to believe almost two years isn't it
oh well onwards and upwards no going back forward looking only allowed
Thank you for all your good wishes for my trip! I still can't really believe that we're going.
I am going to make sure it is filled with wonderful memories. It will the first time my son has ever been on an airplane, and my daughter flew to Australia when she was a baby, so she doesn't remember.
BJ - So nice to hear how well you're doing! Yes - the two years has gone by quickly; I can't believe it's been that long.
Boring update, but getting it off my chest:
I told H yesterday that I don't like it when he answers the phone when he's here and we haven't finished organizing the kids b/c then I have to wait till he gets off. I told him I find it rude, and I'd like it if he didn't do that. He said he'd answer but keep it short! Oh brother. Honestly, it's not like there could be a serious emergency. Anyway, I got it out of my system; I told him how I feel. Now he'll probably ignore that, but I've said it. I'll chalk it up to poor communication skills and disregard for others!
He also said he's no longer manager where he was; he's now got a new title and new office. I think he might actually have said he's VP? But he originally told me he'd be a higher-level manager. He said this a couple of times, so I just asked him for his new phone no. I feel like he's trying to get me tell him how great he is, but I congratulated him last week, and that's all he's getting! Not to be mean, but I'm pretty fed up with validating at this point - it's not my job anymore. Let his gf do that.
After he finished blabbing on the phone, I confirmed that he'd be bringing the kids back at 8 (he had confirmed this by email on Thursday). He said, "Oh yeah, I'll bring them back at 4. I'm going to Toronto for a conference Monday night to Thursday night."
This actually works out well for me, but geez - I am so sick of his assuming that he can do whatever the heck he wants! I told my L and he said we definitely need to have this in the agreement (reasonable notice). I said it was okay b/c D and I had wanted to give each other manicures/pedicures and this would give us time, so she was really happy about that.
I told H that I would have the kids call him every few days, but he said he won't be avaiable b/c of this conference. But he said not to wait till Thurs eve because he wants to make sure that "you guys" get there okay. Six months ago, that would have made my ears perk up, but now, I know that he really wants to make sure the kids are okay. It's just his anxiety speaking; it's nothing to do with me, really.
I've been thinking lately that I have very few good memories of our M since our D10 was born. Almost none. It's like that was the beginning of the end, that was when he started to really pull away, after only four and a half years of marriage.
Why did I hold on for so long?
Ugh - I think I'm PMSing - feeling melancholy today.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I get that same crap from my H. He got a promotion at work. I told him how I proud I was of him when he first got it several months ago. Occasionally now he will drop subtle hints about his job and left a few business cards with our d with his new title. I think he is waiting for me to say something , but I agree with you. I already told him I was happy for him and proud. It's not my job anymore. He has his GF " H stealer for that!! Why do they still look for our approval? My C says it is all part of my H's huge ego!!!
Could you stop by my thread if you get a chance. I am having some problems and could use your advice.
I told my L and he said we definitely need to have this in the agreement (reasonable notice). I said it was okay b/c D and I had wanted to give each other manicures/pedicures and this would give us time, so she was really happy about that.