Secrets

[Betterman]

I have been dealing with my WAW's secretiveness for far too long now. I have no clue why she feels it is so necessary to hide things from me. Some of these things that I already am aware of, like little text-message conversations with her online-BFs and phone calls to and from other men. She will not let me near her cellphone or laptop, and I stay out of them simply because I know that it would damage things. She would say that I was "getting into her sh*t" or that I had no respect for her privacy.

Now, I realize that she (as do I) needs some amount of privacy. We can't be totally into each other's business all of the time. That would be just too much and not healthy for any sort of relationship. But all of this secrecy is never good for a relationship either.

I have confronted her on it, telling her that it's not good for her to keep doing this because it only creates problems. I know that the counselor who I had been going to and she went to by herself a few times as well has told her that secrets are damaging in any relationship. Still she has this need to keep them.

I have done all of the DBing stuff to get her to stop. Ignored it, never mentioned it, don't act annoyed when her phone beeps that she has a new message or when she is texting away to whoever. Act "as if." I even handed her her phone last night when it beeped in the middle of a conversation we were having and I just kept on talking away like it was no big deal.

I have mentioned this before in earlier posts, and I still believe this this is that case. Because I DO NOT act annoyed, she doesn't wonder "Why doesn't this bother him?" but instead I am convinced that she thinks, "Oh, OK...he doesn't care. Well then, good. I can keep it up." She is satisfied with the status quo which I give her by not interfering and it "gives her permission" to continue her secretiveness as well as her other behavior.

This has to stop. And once again, the DBing doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere on this one.

Any ideas?

[frank_D]

Well, at the risk of upsetting you I might suggest some 'alpha maleness'. Stand up and SAY 'this has to stop' and set clearly DEFINED boundaries and hold her to them.

Don't act 'annoyed', BE annoyed. Tell her that this is NOT OK.

Not mean, just be a man and set some boundaries and rules. She's acting 17.

[Betterman]

Interestingly enough, that's exactly what I did. I went on to express a few more opinions about her recent behaviors. I labeled them as such, my opinions, but also told her how they made me feel and how I believed that they were harmful.

Also interestingly enough, the comment on her being 17 was pretty conservative...I said 14! HA! I told her that she was acting like a kid trying to be sly. I followed that up with telling her that I had respect for her privacy, but this wasn't about that, it was about how she feels that she needs to hide things from me, and confronted her on her motivations for that, as well as to take a good look in the mirror and ask herself why she really needed the secrets.

I am giving her another week to think about that and some other weighty things which I mentioned. She said that she needed time to think about them. I presented alot of new stuff which I had been holding onto for I thought too long. So we shall see.

BTW, frank, what's the sitch with you and your SO/WAW or whatever she is now?

[frank_D]

We reconciled a year ago.

[Betterman]

Awesome! Truly awesome! Well, I am relentless about reconciliation. I have tried not to be "in her face" about it but have also demanded respect from her and done things which I believe deserve that respect as well.

I also recently became a Freemason, an organization which stresses morals and upright character. I have always wanted to be a member of a fraternity which I could be proud of and that my family could be proud of me for belonging to. She, however believes it to be a "boys-only" club and looks at it as such. She is a feminist in that regard. I don't really care what her attitude it toward it, I love being a Mason and like the benefits which it provides for myself as well as my family.

This attitude is prevalent in pretty much everything. She is jealous of men's status in society and often comments that she wishes she was one so she could get the benefits of that gender. I always respond, "No, you don't want to be a man. It's a tougher role than you think." Translation: You wouldn't be able to handle it.

So I have to be diplomatic as well as tactful in many of my dealings with her. If I try to be too forward or "manly" or is turns her right off and places her on the defensive. This can drive me nuts.

However she is also a good woman, she just needs to realize that she still has a great man in her life, as a matter of fact a much better man than before (thus my handle for these forums). I have attempted to show her this through my attitude and actions, but the battle still goes on.