I am so upset regarding porn.......HELP!

[glamgirl]

My H and I have been separated for almost a year. I had mentioned to him about 3 weeks ago that I was suspicious of someone at work, so I checked their computer history and yes they had been looking at porn sights during company time. I chose not to say anything to anyone at work, but yes my H knew I was snooping at the computer history.

H always comes over to the house on Sunday's and watches the kids while I work. For whatever reason, I decided to check the history on my computer after H leaves and for the past 3 weeks 2 porn websites have shown up. Now H is very computer savy and if he didn't want me to see the sights he could have erased the history. First of all, I am wondering if he purposely is going to these sights to see if I say something, since he knew I snooped at work. Like a test to see if I B$%&# and complain when I have caught him viewing sights in the past. Second of all do I confront him about viewing the sights?

Yes, I am bothered by him viewing the sights especially while he is supposedly watching our children. We are already in a very fragile state right now. If I confront this could just push him over the edge. I am trying to restore our relationship not continue to break it down.

What would you do? Anyone else have this issue?

[DadNotQuitting]

OK bambam, you have an extraordinarily valid point with regard to him viewing it while he's supposed to be watching the kids. Now you most likely know he's not doing it with them in the room, so that shouldn't be a concern, right? You're just offended that he's doing it at all. If you've complained about him viewing them in the past, then he knows where you stand. Is this a test to see if you're going to say anything? Maybe, but it could just be that since you have been S for a year, and presumabley "not active", then maybe he's just saying "so what, what's wrong with me looking at this stuff". Indifference, not a test.

If it is a test, and you feel that it would push him further away if you bring it up, then I wouldn't. So long as you are confident that he's not doing it with the kids around, which he almost certainly is not. Don't get wrapped up in the mindset of "heck, you don't see the kids enough as it is, why are you on the computer, you should be spending every second enjoying them". Seems strange, but I'm in that boat right now, and being with the kids feels forced under that scenario. Sometimes, my kids just want to do their own thing, even if are time is limited these days.

Just let it be. I've said this in previous posts, so it's not secret, my wife and I had some major problems with porn, with me looking at it on the computer, so I know what I'm talking about a bit here. Now if I was watching my kids at "their" house, there is no way I'd do that as my wife would KILL me for it. Of course, I'm not allowed in the house without her there anymore, and she wouldn't let me near her computer anyway (I'm a snooper!).

If you really feel like you can't let it go, play it off as a joke to him. "Hey knucklehead, you know I don't like computer porn, so get you jollies on your own time somewhere else, you doofus". Non-confrontational, funny-like. Let him know not to do it anymore, and don't act like you are judging him, making him feel like a perv, or even that you're upset about it. And I wouldn't bring up the kids in the same conversation as porn. He'll get defensive, I guarantee it he will. It will only go downhill from there.

I think 57% of guys admit to looking at porn on the internet and 43% lie and say they don't. I could be off a bit, but not much. For me, when my wife gave me reasons not to ever look at it, I didn't. You know what I mean by that, I'm sure.

Hope this helped, but if not, you got what you paid for! 3:00 a.m., I really have to get some sleep.......................

[Just_D]

I guess if you feel the need to confront, *I* would say almost nonchalantly "Hey, just make sure the kids aren't around when you go to those sites." If you're usually angry, this reaction would be a 180, no?

[rhoch]

Hi glam,
I have a question and then a possible suggestion. First, why were you snooping in someone else's computer at work? Is it part of you job to supervise or keep track of this person? If so then you need to mention appropriate computer activity to them,if its not part of you job then you really need to leave it alone and refrain from checking in the future.

The suggestion...rather than confront him directly, get a notebook and keep it as a journal of his computer activity. Then leave it in a findable but not obvious place near the computer. Also make sure you have a second copy. If he figures out you are recording this stuff he may stop without a confrontation and you have the advantage of having a record of it for later if needed. You might want to consider getting a monitoring program as well just in case he would try to hide it. It is perfectly legal to monitor the use of your own computer.

[glamgirl]

First of all the porn thing I just don't understand. Prior to separation, H and I had an active sex life. H never complained, if anyone wasn't getting it enough that would be me. I always asked if he was satisfied etc. This always lead me to wonder if you are satisfied why the need for porn? Can anyone explain?

As far as work, this guy was getting promoted and he just had an aura about him that just seemed off. He had pictures of a family life plastered all over his office. Well liked, but employees would say oh he doesn't like anyone in his office, his office was dark, he had his desk shoved up by the window. I had an intuition about him and was just curious. This gets me everytime. I have strong intuition about people and really wanted to see if I was correct in my suspicions. Sure enough by looking at the history, it was confirmed. Now, keep in mind after his promotion, I got his office and computer. So call it what you want, but now I was checking the history of my own computer per say. Hey I don't have an issue what you do in the privacy of your own home, but come on porn on company time and yeah let's promote this guy too is not ok with me!

I know that H would have a field day with confronting of the porn. For whatever reason, he thinks looking is ok. I am thinking this is some kind of test. He mentioned about a month ago, that if we get back together it would be a risk. If I haven't changed and still in his mind doing the same thing over and over, why should we get back together. Distorted view, like oh you had NO part in this separation. Life is a RISK!

I like the idea of putting it out on a notepad by the computer. Hmmmm I need to meditate on that one.

[AmyC]

I second what Jazz said.
Porn is not the problem.

Is it just me or does anyone else see a problem with husbands/wives policing their spouse?

[DadNotQuitting]

GG - take a look at this. One of my earlier threads.......


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1050448

[JR2007]

Porn is a problem. It dulls the senses to reality. It makes us think our spouse should look like those girls (or guys) and should perform like them too.

We can fool ourselves all we want that it doesn't hurt us, it does. It may not be cheating, we may not have sex less with our spouse, but it dulls us to the beauty of the relationship we have in REAL LIFE with a wonderful person.

It is degrading to men and women. It's a tool of the adversary to destroy families, and it needs to be eradicated from our lives. There is just no question in my mind on this subject.

Should spouses be policing each other's computer usage? I'd say NO, but in these situations where trust is already damaged, it happens. Why we look for more bad things is beyond me, but it's human nature.

If you don't want your spouse using porn, ask them sincerely to stop, with some good reasons. If they know it hurts you, they will stop. Anyway...off my soapbox...

[glamgirl]

JR I like your perspective. I agree porn is a problem, but here's the real problem. I have asked H to please stop viewing porn sights. I think in the past he said ok, but then I find him on them again and again. The last time he said I see nothing wrong with it. Now that's a problem.

In my mind he isn't going to stop. It is one more thing that he will hold against me. He says you are always trying to change me. Make me into somebody I am not. I struggle with do I live with this or do I just give up completely on this shattered marriage anyway?

I agree policing is not the answer, but when you find things out about your spouse and the trust is broken, it's hard not to snoop. The other side is, I have absolutely nothing to hide. You can tape my phone calls, read my e-mails etc, and I would be ok with that. I feel that in relationships we need to be open books to each other. We should have nothing to hide from each other. I am sure H would disagree. We just have different perspectives on life and how we should be to each other.

In many ways I wish I didn't love him and could just walk away free and clear. That would be so much easier than standing for my spouse and waiting for him to want to work on us.

[JR2007]

OK, did you give him some good reasons to stop? I know my wife would tell me to stop doing things and it didn't work on me (I did the same, "stop trying to change me" crap) until she gave me a good reason. I drive fast and she would get pissed! I would drive faster because it upset me so much that she'd scream at me about it. Then one day, she said, please don't drive so fast, I don't feel safe for me or you or our son. I quit driving fast.

Now, may I ask you a question - why is trust so easily broken in a marriage relationship? I know he said he's stop and he didn't. Is he addicted? If he is, it's a compulsion to check the porn sites. Doesn't make it right, it just changes the dynamic I think. He's not doing it to hurt you, even though it is. But why lose trust in him? Forgive him his shortcomings and work with him as a partner, don't work against him. And don't let it destroy your trust, that's such a huge step. My W says she can't trust me because I kept things form her in an attempt to protect her from being hurt. Well, that backfired, but I asked her forgiveness and she says the trust is gone. Does she WANT it to be gone? Who knows. I'm just saying, don't let it get there without some real work.