I'm prepared for the fact that once I get involved with another woman she'll likely want me back. So, I guess I better make that clear to any woman I end up with.
That's a myth. Don't get fooled by that, it could cause you more headache than you want. Now you have double trouble.
How are you going to explain to a women your going to use her for jealousy bait anyway?
Don't move on to another unless your done with the last.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I have to throw in with Astimegoeson. Don't become involved with someone else until you are certain you are finished with your WAS. That having been said, there's technically nothing wrong with seeing someone even if you might still go back to your WAS. People who date (unless they have agreed to do so exclusively) generally understand that each may be seeing other people as well (and your WAS counts as another person).
However, while you may not be specifically trying to use them as bait, if you would still return to your WAS if s/he asked while you're dating someone else, you're essentially doing just that and most folks wouldn't consider a playing field that contained a spouse (even a bad one) level.
In addition, I think it's dangerous to base any kind of rekindled relationship on the feeling by the WAS that while they don't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you either. Once they feel safe that is no longer a possibility, it seems likely they'll walk away again.
I think it's dangerous to base any kind of rekindled relationship on the feeling by the WAS that while they don't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you either.
This was exactly the situation I found myself in last December. I didn't intentionally do it for a response, but I sure got one. You will get a reaction, but it's not based on you W's affection or desire to have you back. They are very prideful when it comes to something like this and it really has little to do with you. It's especially a sensitive issue when there are kids involved.
If your serious about wanting your W back, this is not the way to do it long term.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thanks, guys. I'm not completely ready to move on, but I'm ready to cut the ties even further by filing for legal separation.
Once I've done that I'll feel free to do some casual dating. This to me means nothing more than spending a little time with someone now and then rather than sitting around alone all the time. I'm in no hurry whatsoever to get involved in another relationship.
I've read about several people on this board who had the same experience as you, Astimegoeson. So, I'm aware of that. Thanks for taking the time to bring that to my attention though.
Even though I'm not ready to move on fully, it's not because I have hope that we'll be together any more. At this point, I really don't think that's going to happen based on what she's saying. Any future plans she has always include us still being separated. She never mentions the possibility of reconciling.
I'm not fully ready to move on because I'm just not over her yet and won't be for a while. I still have plenty of work to do on myself too. I'm not the man I want to be yet.
When I mentioned that I will be filing legal separation to her the other day. She actually said, "We can stay married for the next fifteen years for all I care." I told her, "Like this?!? With you living in one house and me in another? No, I'm definitely not interested in that. If we aren't living together as husband and wife, we don't need to be married."
Oh, and by the way OF. I instituted the "no dump on me" policy during that one hour conversation in which she mentioned that. It seems to have confused her because that conversation was so different from the others. She didn't know how to respond to things. She constantly gets onto me for talking about the past, so I didn't mention it at all. Every time she did I used her line against her - "I'm not talking about the past, I'm only talking about the present."
My marriage is over. The legal separation is just a transition toward being single again. I am helping her get on her feet because I don't want my children seeing their mother living off of welfare. I do want my children living in a decent house when they're away from me. I don't want her rushing to get married to another man and moving him in on my kids just so she has someone to help pay the bills.
She told me that she's already told OM that there's no way they can be married. Of course, she says a lot of things that are either completely untrue or stretching the truth quite a bit. So, I took that with a grain of salt.
Once I've done that I'll feel free to do some casual dating. This to me means nothing more than spending a little time with someone now and then rather than sitting around alone all the time. I'm in no hurry whatsoever to get involved in another relationship.
I think that sounds like a good way to look at it. Just be careful with the dating. One chap here saw a woman "casually" and they ended up in bed (not good). If you feel yourself getting caught up, make sure you leave the situation immediately (this guy didn't) so you don't end up doing something you regret.
Originally Posted By: MyWifeHasGoneCra
When I mentioned that I will be filing legal separation to her the other day. She actually said, "We can stay married for the next fifteen years for all I care." I told her, "Like this?!? With you living in one house and me in another? No, I'm definitely not interested in that. If we aren't living together as husband and wife, we don't need to be married."
I agree with you, but I think this is an interesting twist. I'd continue forward with what you're doing, but I'd avoid any D talk for now. Just get the S and let things simmer a bit.
Originally Posted By: MyWifeHasGoneCra
Oh, and by the way OF. I instituted the "no dump on me" policy during that one hour conversation in which she mentioned that. It seems to have confused her because that conversation was so different from the others. She didn't know how to respond to things.
Good for you! You need it, she needs it, and it's a good 180.
Originally Posted By: MyWifeHasGoneCra
I am helping her get on her feet because I don't want my children seeing their mother living off of welfare. I do want my children living in a decent house when they're away from me.
A very healthy perspective.
Best of luck with the S and I'm sending good thoughts your way.
