I just read Michele's 'Divorce Remedy' and initially I thought I had my husband figured out when I read the Mid-Life Crisis chapter, but I've recently come to believe that he is instead depressed.
As a child, he struggled with reading and would be placed in remedial reading classes until he would excel past all of the others and get placed back into normal reading classes partway through the school year. Only months ago when he struggled with preparing for and taking the GMAT (so that he could obtain his MBA), did he speak with his doctor and realize that he most likely struggled from ADHD as a child but was never diagnosed. Thus, his self esteem took at dive at that young age. To make matters worse, his older brother was always very smart and never struggled in school and is now an oral surgeon who the parents cannot say one negative thing about.
My husband's father is a very stern man and when they were children, he would use force as punishment. Many times my husband has said to me, 'Do you have any idea how many times my father would hit me until I couldn't stand up anymore and then he'd ask me to stand up just so he could hit me again.' When I would console him or try to talk about these items, he would brush them off and treat them as no big deal, so I fell into the trap of allowing them to not be dealt with.
In the past six months, a lot of stressful things have taken place. My husband has started taking Adderall for ADHD after he did not perform as well as he wished on his GMAT for the third time. An elderly neighbor who my husband became close with passed away from cancer and my husband spent many hours on the weekends and during weeknights in the year that this neighbor suffered just visiting and helping out however he was able. His aunt suddenly passed away from an unknown neurological disorder that could be genetic leaving my husband with the chance in 1 of 6 in having this same disorder. If this is the case, most do not live past their 30s and my husband is 29. He was unhappy with his job and just this week took a new job with a new company. His sister's ex-boyfriend has been threatening her with death threats via email and was just this week arrested and placed in jail. Lastly, he says he is unhappy with the way that I maintain our home. For this reason, he told me about 2 months ago that he thought it would be best for us to separate.
He's lost about 20 pounds in the past six months, he has lost his appetite, he will wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back asleep or else he'll just wake up about an hour before our alarm goes off and remain awake.
He has told me that he doesn't want to say that he's overwhelmed b/c then it will mean that he is out of control and he can't have that. We met with a marriage counselor once and he told me he would never go back. I've asked him to see a counselor on his own or talk with his doctor, but he won't talk with anyone.
I believe there is an underlying depression that was never treated and with all that has happened recently along with the addition of the medication, everything has manifested itself into this mess. Since he will not listen to me, my plan was to call his brother and explain my concerns. I also have an appointment with our doctor to share my concerns. Am I going too far? I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point...he took his ring off this weekend and hasn't put it back on since. Even if he pushes me out of the way, I feel like someone needs to be aware for his own well-being. I feel very lost and confused and I just want to help......
We are not currently separated, but my husband thinks that is the best option. He wants to put our house on the market, but I am dragging my feet right now.
I think he took his ring off for my reaction. I have not said a word about it. He knows that I want to try to work things out and he doesn't believe that they can be worked out. I feel like the depression is what the missing piece is....he is overwhelmed with everything and feels that this is one piece he can control. When people are depressed, their thoughts are so hazy that they don't realize that they are not at all being logical.
We have talked to many times and I try to keep an open mind and remain hopeful when he says that he cannot go back on the decision he has made. When we are not discussing our relationship, we get along as if nothing is wrong. Our love life hasn't changed, we interact just the same, so I've stopped having discussions about our relationship with him b/c it just upsets me and we only get closer to separating b/c he'll make another move in that direction. He has been smoking and drinking a lot more than usual....usually he is not a smoker at all. Am I wrong on the depression piece? I don't know what to do here.....I feel like I'm screaming and nobody can hear me.
Welcome! Sorry you find your self here, but under the circumstances there's no better place to be.
I know you want to help, but this doesn't sound like something you can fix. If he won't seek help ther's not much you can do. Let me ask you this, how do you think he will respond to your talking to you BIL and Dr? Do you think he would be more recptive if they intervened? Keep in mind at some point it will probably come out that you approaced them. This usually doesn't go over well.
I agree more info would help, but at least this bump will put you back up top for others to respond to.
I feel that I would be incredibly irresponsible to leave someone who is depressed to try to resolve it on their own. A depressed person is unaware of their twisted thoughts and could inevitably allow it to go on and become even more detrimental to their lives.
If he is going to push me out of his life, I can't just allow him to self destruct. I feel the need to contact his family and at least notify them of my concerns. If he comes back to me and is angry - then so be it. I feel like I am allowing him to continue in his downward spiral right now and it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. This is where Michele's book contradicts with medical sites and the information they share about treating depression. Instead of leaving it to be taken care of on its own, they highly encourage you to involve family and friends and get the affected persons to seek help.
"Instead of leaving it to be taken care of on its own, they highly encourage you to involve family and friends and get the affected persons to seek help."
I understand what you are saying but this could really backfire on you.
And if that person does not want help, there is nothing you can do.
My mother in law has mental issues and it was very difficult. My father in law had to go to court to get a court order to have her admitted to the hospital for her problems. He had to do this more than once. And this was not something that can be done immediately as he needed a lawyer and evidence/documentation for the courts with regard to her behavior. My sister in law is a lawyer and she said this is very very difficult to obtain.
It is not an easy thing to deal with. Also, remember that the person with the problem who refuses help--it could really infuriate them and make the problem worse for awhile.
Just my .02 worth.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Carolina - Depression is one of the known serious side effects of drugs like Adderall. My son tried a similar drug for ADD when he was 14 - and became severely depressed within 4 months, we had to take him off of it.
Since this behavior change has all occurred since he started the drug, I would be very, very suspicious that the drug is causing it.
As for the "unknown neurological disease", if it's unknown, how do they know the genetics and the age of onset etc.? Do any other illnesses run in his family - things like celiac disease, diabetes, thyroid problems, anemia, etc.?
You might also want to check out info on the depression fallout website. And remember to try not to take it too personally, I know from experience it's hard to live with the depressed spouse sometimes because they tend to blame you for everything. (He didn't play football in school, btw, did he? Did he ever have a serious concussion?)
My husband has adhd and I got a lot of insight from Dr. Amens book on the forms of add. I suggest you read it, particularly because it can help you identify what type of add your husband has -- and most important -- adderall can make some forms of add WORSE!! My husband was a basket case when on ritalin or adderall, but can handle concerta with some other meds. Hope this helps and if you get the book let me know what you think...
