sorry this is cross posted on the 180 board- I wasn't sure which place it should go
WH is definitely more friendly lately. He's even been flirtatious on a few occasions. We've even laughed together a few times.
He is still staying with OW and I'm well aware that I can't change that. And I know if I openly try to come between them at all, that it will only push them closer together..... (so I guess at this point I just have to try to "steal" him away from her....) He is still "dead set" about separation and divorce but at least right now we are getting along (and at times he has brought up the topic of coming home, or mentioned that he missed me, etc... I change the subject every time though! Especially since he's still telling me he's going to file... )
I'm taking what I can get at the moment because even if we do get divorced we're still going to be in each others' lives because of our kids. So I want to have a good relationship with him regardless... I also know that I cant expect him to ever consider R if we don't even have some sort of friendship between us. And my hope is that once we get a little closer (as "just friends") that we will fall in love all over again.
but i guess my question is, how do I keep up being friendly while the A is still going on? I'm keeping up with the 180 and doing a good job I think. He and OW went to his dad's house last night and he's openly sharing with me the details of what they do together (I'm dont EVER ask). I think at times he's trying just to see how I'll react (or even to provoke me- which won't work) but how do I stay friends and allow him to share these details with me, without seemingly "sitting by and taking it [the affair]"
I'm still very adament about the A ending COMPLETELY with NC before he is welcome here. but i dont know how to handle this increased interest he's showing in me while he's still with her....
SO- what do you do when the 180 starts to work but the A is still going on??
Your sitch sounds a lot like mine. My h is living with the ow also. I can tell you first hand that no matter how adament your h is about a divorce, he can change his mind. My h actually had divorce papers drawn up a month and half after meeting the ow. At this same time, he was moving 3 hours away to be with ow. He claims that he didn't move because of her. That was 5 months ago and he has not done anything else with the divorce. He has come around a lot in the last 2 months, and we are starting to spend a little more time together, and I think that we are actually starting to enjoy one another again. We are seriously discussing trying to work things out, but he took such drastic measures when he left, it is very hard to even try to work on our R. He is also still involved with ow, but I believe that their relationship is fading fast. Their relationship has been going on over 7 months, so I think all the newness and promises are not panning out. I am starting to look much better to him, and he knows that he screwed up. He got himself into a bad situation and he is having a terrible time trying to get himself out. I keep stressing to him that he needs to do something if he doesn't want to get divorced. I even asked him if he wanted me to file for divorce and he said no.
I think that we have the toughest job. We are supposed to be friendly with our h's even when they are talking about ow. My h very seldom talks about her and always talks in "I" when I ask him about what he has been doing. He does complain about her sometimes and he says you shouldn't have to listen to this. It actually makes me feel good when he complains about her. I have this picture of them having this ideal life together. I think that it is really far from ideal. My h is miserable, but not miserable enough to turn into a great man.
My only advice is to be friendly and nice, but don't let him walk all over you. My h has said that it was easy to be mad at me when I was bitter, but now that I am understanding, he is having a terrible time. Kill them with kindness.
I wasn't sure if you had a previous thread. How long has this been going on?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
the A has been going on less than a month. they just met (at work) in march
i found out about her (the EA at least) the day after they dtd the first time. he admitted to the PA about a week later and i kicked him out the next day.
it is all VERY new. (the A and my discovery of it)
Sounds like you are doing much better than how I was doing in the month after finding out. All I can say is that you can get through this and be a stronger, better person because of it, but it will take a lot of patience.
I am actually at the end of my fight, and I have stressed this to my wah. He finally realizes that and doesn't want to let me go, but also doesn't want to face the consequences and can't find the strength to leave ow for good. He has finally made an appt with a counselor, so I am going to hold on a little longer with the hope that he will be able to sort through some of his issues and the fog will lift and he will see her for the homewrecker that she is. For some reason, my h feels the need to rescue her, but he up and left me in a months time and has provided me no financial support in 6 months while he off living in la la land.
The ow doesn't look so good now, but coming back to me looks too hard. He would rather quit than fail. He is hung up on pride and guilt. I do believe that he sees me for who I really am, an amazing woman who has been through hell and has come out stronger and more beautiful on the other side. A lot of people couldn't say that.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Are you and your husband working on things? My sitch is somewhat similar and I'm going to use you as hope!
My H is having affair and he's very involved with OW - she's moving here soon for school. I think that could be the death of my M or as some tell me, the start of the demise of their R. Up until now, its been mostly EA (from Oct to Feb) then seeing one another sometimes on weekends. No reality yet.
I'm hopeful it won't take long. But I know there are no guarantees. I think we all struggle with the idea that they are off having the times of their lives all the time, just so in love. We wouldn't fathom leaving our spouses for OP ever, so we assume it must be fairy tale like for someone to do it to us.
Know someone who had affair - they say it starts off like that and does become same old stuff, just different person. For him though, it took 8 months ! UGH -seems a lifetime away!
I really hope so. Until then, I'm trying to GAL and do 180 and work on myself. Decide if I want to be in this M any longer.
Has anyone ever dated while WS is having his/her affair? Dare I even ask?
