The "not had an identity" statement is typical of MLC. My husband said the same thing during his (almost the same words!!!).
Yes, sometimes OW is in the picture longer than we realize. That's NOT saying your OW is still in the picture, but they do add to the confusion of an MLC husband. Please try not to take OW and their realationship personally. Your husband's relationship with her is completely about himself. It's not about her. Everything I read in your sitch indicates MLC to me and she just happens to be convenient during a time of confusion. He's just trying to grasp for the happiness straw and hasn't yet embraced the fact that it's right in front of him (his wife and family).
Why do you want your husband so bad? You want your family together, you are not a quitter, you are smart and sensitive enough to realize this isn't about you or your marriage, it's a stage in life he's going through and you've decided to hang in regardless of where it goes... and you're willing to go "down with the ship"... and will have no regrets even if it does sink because you'll know you did your best to keep your family together, and you'll be a stronger and healthier person in the long run. Also, the weak break apart, give up quickly and run... you aren't weak.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It's nice to see your name. I hope you're doing well. I'll have to look and see if you have a thread. Yes, I'm in a good place right now, but I know things can always change and the main thing is to try and be prepared for that.
I definitely still sometimes have insecurities and fears. My husband may be changing jobs soon and I have some uncomfortable feelings about that.... but maybe that's a good thing? It will keep me from becoming "too comfortable." Not that I want to be on edge... but I think it's good to be prepared for change. When ups and downs are expected they are a little easier to navigate. Not that I wouldn't have the "sick to my stomach, can't eat anything, shell-shock" feeling you get when you're marriage is falling apart... but at least when you have a life, good support and are working to try and stay in a positive mental place things are slightly easier.
Nara,
Thanks for the positive words! I looked at your blog. How are you doing now?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Okay, just learning how to do this.... I'll try and add some more threads when I have more time. Now I just need to figure out how to put one of those cute icons up or get PMs...
The thing about this second post, my husband was still involved with OW at the time (which shows how poor my intituiton was!) And had joined a very expensive dating service!!!!!.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Okay more threads... I thought I'd post these just in case anyone, who isn't familiar with it, is interested and seeing what my sitch was like pre-piecing.
Boy, I sure showed a positive outlook in spite of the nasty behavior and emails my husband sent me.
Ooops! Accidentially ran those last two threads into each other!!!
Also, finally on the seventh thread I actually had a longer one with a lot of issues raised, questions for others, and answers.
I hope someone in piecing, or separation and divorce, finds some of this helpful. It was definitely interesting for me to look back and see where things were; the pain, growth, etc...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for the kind words Upside Down. I'm not always strong... I remember, the first few months of my divorce, being in a state of complete shock. I couldn't believe that my husband would actually go so far and that there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. It was very hard. And the first few weekends after he moved out and had the kids, and I was alone... that was super difficult. I had never actually been alone before!!! I remember driving to my mother's house and thinking if I just drove off the freeway... I could end it all and the pain would be over. Also, during those first two weekends without the kids I cried for two days. I even walked through my garage looking for something poisonous to swallow. The only thing that stopped me was thinking I didn't have a will, what if the kids found me, and they really need me. How would this affect their lives? Realizing that I was going through a very difficult time, I immediately started individual C, went back to church, sought out local single friends and others going through divorce, and eventually found this website and decided to DB, GAL and focus on healing.
Sometimes there's no alternative but to dive deep inside and find some semblence of strength and then build it up.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT-Your story does inspire me. I think there some vague similarities in our situations (no OW that I know of)...at least comparing yours early on. Sometimes I think it would be easier to curl up in a ball and die...not that I would ever do anything to make that happen! Anyway, my H can't say he wants a D but he doesn't want to be married either. He would be happy to be my friend especially if there are benefits, which was happening a lot earlier in our S but has cooled off recently. Really all aspects of the friendship have cooled off because I/we always bring up R stuff.
My H even told me today he is in love with me but can't tell me he will try to make an effort to work on things. So, today I lost it (again) and told him that if he can't tell that he will work on things, then he should file for D (my h is an attorney). I have been losing all hope and I know I handle things so poorly. I have even told my H I am going to start to date and that I have a lunch date tomorrow (just friends but I didn't tell him that). I wish I could have been handling thing as you have...being his friend, very little R talk, making our time together positive...I just haven't been able to do it consistantly. I get frustrated when things seem to be going well and then he backs off. My H also backs off when I try to push so I doubt I will hear from him for a while from him unless I initiate it. I wonder if he does have MLC or if I just a pain in his a$$...maybe both!!!
I have been trying to GAL (I think I am even going to buy a new house on my own...long story) and not even talk to my H but it is difficult to do that consistantly since I do his bookkeeping (I guess I am giving that up since I told him to file).
I guess I will just have to wait to see if he files and I will try to take your advice to "dive deep inside and find some semblence of strength and then build it up". Heaven knows I need to find strength no matter what happens. I just wish I knew if there was any hope for my M.
Also, I read your advice to Heartbroken...It was great. I hope it is not too late for me to use some of it.
