Slow and Steady

[S4N]

Hello

I decided to start a new thread with a new title. This goes along with my new name (S4N) and attitude about my sitch. Things are going slow and steadily for H and I. My lease is not over until the end of July so I am just taking the time from now until then to keep the positive changes going. If I end up in a studio apartment for a while after this lease, I am fine with that. Being home with our spouses is a goal we all have here, of course, but since things are going so well I want to make sure I am giving it all enough time. This is also a good time for me to make sure I can transition into the new M we are creating.

The Friday before last, H and I had dinner with friends to meet their new baby. When we got back to the apartment we were both very tired from the week finally being over. After some lounging on the couch and talking, we ended up ML! We were both nervous as hell and it was a bit humbling to put my clothes back on and go home BUT it was a huge step in the right direction...nothing sexual since then but we have had some easy going interactions last week and this week.

A little lurch in my attitude has me nervous that I will revert back into the old nag that I was but I am aware of it and squelch it as quickly as I can. At a baseball game this weekend I was really snotty when he wanted to leave early because I thought he was trying to blow our afternoon off. Ends up we barely missed the incredible rush of people to the trolley after the game. I apologized...H was honest and said that it was mean of me to assume that was his intention and accepted my apology. Trying to let that one roll off my back even though I have felt horrible about it since Sunday!!!

H has been talking about renting a house and getting a dog lately. All of these discussions include "we" and "us" language but I am still too chicken to get a concrete confirmation about a definite reconciliation. Perhaps he thinks that is confirmation but I think I want to hear H say the words "come home"...not that I deserve it as I would give anything (including some of my pride) for another chance to work on our M but part of me feels I have earned at least that. My roommate asked if I were going to renew the lease because she "thought things were getting better" for us. That really opened up my eyes since I never talk to her and rarely see her. I guess she had noticed H coming over more but he only comes there when I have the cat.

Yesterday was hard for him since it was Memorial Day, so I tried to be as easy going and supportive as I could possibly be when chatting on the phone. Patience has been paying off big time but it is an everyday struggle...sometimes it is an hourly struggle but I make it out alive everytime

[catfan]

S4N I just have to wonder, like Jazz, if it is time for you to bring up the subject. Time to have some discussions about where the two of you are heading. If nothing more than to know what to do about your living arrangements.

[S4N]

What if I push us back and then it all starts again? What if I don't like his answer and go ballistic? I go back and forth from feeling like I will be back home by August for sure, to wondering if we will ever have our close R again. It feels so close but I am scared to death! Way back in the beginning I thought that once I was at this point it would be easier but it isn't. Every forward step just makes me worry about backsliding even more.

I am still staying pretty positive but I break down whenever I think about having this conversation with H. When my roommate asked me about renewing the lease, I cried right there over my grocery bags. She apologized and we chatted about what was going on with H and I but I let her know that I am not renewing either way.

Any advice from you guys on how to approach this would be wonderful! I just feel really lost because I have spent months being nonconfrontational and easy going. It is like, once I thought the roller coaster was getting less dramatic...I hit a corkscrew and get all confused. H knows when my lease is up, he is the one that found the short term sublease on craigslist, but I want to say something so badly...PLEASE HELP!!!

[catfan]

S4N, you need to prepare a great deal for this conversation. You need to know how you will respond in each situation and with each answer. Then you need to work on yourself so that you can be ready to manage your emotional response on each of the possible answers.

Right now everything is status quo and moving along nice and slow. But is it really moving along at all?

I think the best thing for you to do is ask him more directly about the two of you. I think you have part of your answer in that he found a place for you on craigslist. But that could be him just looking after you and thinking you aren't ready.

So broach the subject with care and understanding. Be prepared for any response and definitely be ready emotionally for negative response.

[dadinpain]

S4N,
I agree with Jazz and Catfan. Also, you might want to look through one of the blogs on communicating with men (www.makingherhappy.com). I deleted the email that I got a couple of days ago - most of the material there is for men, but that one blog was advising a woman on communicating directly with her husband. Remember with a guy, a statement is a statement and a question is a question - guys are mostly simple and direct in their communication. You really want to avoid a situation where you expect him to infer something based on your statements - both of you will probably get upset over the lack of progress. This is a crucial conversation that you need to make sure happens without any distractions - and being direct will actually appeal to him as it does with most men. Good luck - don't get frustrated, I saw your post on piecing as well, there's a lot of us wishing you well and it is hard to respond in the middle of a work day.

[S4N]

Thanks Dad, I will be checking this site out. H and I are a lot alike but he is still a man and we do have differences. My nerves and emotions are just a little overwhelming right now. I find myself happy with our progress but frustrated that I am still so unsure. It helps to know I am getting well wishes...more than you guys could know!

I understand about being busy at work, that is what has been my biggest distraction from my sitch. Once I got busy with work and school, I got that much needed reprieve from constantly thinking about my M or what H was doing. I would recommend graduate school for anyone who wants to 1)do a 180/GAL and 2) stop thinking about your sitch for a few hours at a time

Is it bad that I still have hurt feelings sometimes even though I know this separation has created so many more positives than negatives in mine and H's lives?

[catfan]

Is it bad that I still have hurt feelings sometimes even though I know this separation has created so many more positives than negatives in mine and H's lives?

Absolutely not! This is a traumatic experience even for the hardest of hearts. It will take a long time for the pain and hurt to go away. Honestly I do wonder if it will ever go completely away.

[JR2007]

Hey, I thought my wife and I were a lot alike too. Come to find out, she's not who I thought she was. Well, not in a bad way, but just different. I always thought she was the coolest wife in the world. I told her as much all the time. Come to find out, she's resenting the HELL out of me for not being more aware of her feelings and concerns, etc.

David Cunningham's communications info will blow your mind - I've read it and I was amazed at how right he is on a LOT of stuff (don't know about all of it because I haven't been able to use all of it yet.)

Good luck! Pray for inspiration and stay calm, cool, and collected. You'll do great!

[S4N]

Thanks CF, I thought that I was just not making progress in that area. The hurt feelings go away pretty quickly but they still pop up at inconvenient moments and I get upset.

Have you found that you get sick of hearing about other people's great Ms? My co-worker's H picks her up to go have lunch every one in a while and the last time I just rolled my eyes and fumed after they left. My close friend who just had a baby seems so happy, her and her H are also high school sweethearts...the words SO NOT FAIR keep coming to mind!

Today is not at all negative I just wanted to bounce some of these questions off of everyone. I can't bounce them off of my friends without obviously offending them

[JR2007]

You know what, [censored] happens. Unfortunately it's happening to us, but there's nothing we can do about it other than put all our faith and trust in God that he is watching over us and all this will be for our greater good.

One thing that REALLY poisoned my wife was our difficulty having kids. She really resented all our friends who were kicking out kids like pez dispensers. Then when we finally do have a child, she isn't happy with just him! He's a MIRACLE BOY and she was only concerned with having more. We've had doctors tell us we shouldn't even have him! Me, I'm totally stoked with my wife and son, she wants more. I even think that's part of the reason we're getting D'd! She actually said to me one time, "What's the purpose of being together if we're not going to have more kids?" I think it made her even more upset when I asked her why the two of us aren't enough for her. She said we are, but the proof is in the pudding...

So, don't beat yourself up because other people APPEAR to have great marriages, you don't know, and there could be a SEA of turmoil under the glossy exterior. Worry about yourself and getting yourself right, God will take care of the rest. Believe it, live it, be happy.