My W threatened to file for a D this morning. She emailed me instead of calling (through her 'maiden name' email account). Didn't even have the guts to phone me. Can't help wondering why.
We had been avoiding each other for months now. And my drive to get her back came to a sudden stop in January when my Brother passed away. I just went totally silent since. The measures I was taking with the help of DB Coach came to a standstill. What do I do next? I am stuck! Or rather..I am choking on a dry bone.
were you working on you or working to win her back? Dbing is for you not to win them back...people see through those tactics and the changes for someone else are never the changes that stick.
take a deep breath
if she threatened that means she hasn't filed. start looking for things you can do to improve YOU not your relationship and not to win her back...just to make you better...start there
I have to agree with Fig that threaten is not doing it.
I have been threatened 3 times in the past yr. actual sep. papers 2 times. Neither time with a warning like you have gotten. She is trying to shake you and see if you are still there??
The fact that she emailed you is a warning in my mind for she is thinking of it and trying to let you know to see if you are going to come back with a positive or negative response.
Remember respond and not react.
You are in mourning for your brother and just have not focused on your W. Are you avoiding her or is she avoiding you?
Maybe she thinks that you have given up? Think about what it is that you can do to improve your outlook on life. Make a list of things that would make you happy. hb2
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
She didn't just threaten me. She said that her lawyer had told her to inform me about the divorce papers that are in preperation right now. It seemed more of a very casual, friendly notification. There were no scars or emotions in her words this time (unlike before). We have now been separated for about a year now btw.
I have been working on myself all the way through, but the differece was that I used to email her one time on a daily basis and let her know how my day has been and so on. I stopped this months ago and dropped to silent mode. I received only a few replies to the many emails I sent her, but I was sure she was reading them though. If I call her and she does pick up the phone, our conversations last not more than 2 or 3 minutes anyway. And if I start talking about myself or ask her a few questions too many, then she would just hang up. So I have been clueless on what to say over the phone or even on what to write to her.
The last email I sent expressed grief about my Brother. I have noticed that whenever I mention anything that is "not so joyful" she reacts very negatively. But knowing this, I still mentioned my late Brother. My DB coach said I should try to write about the people we have in common. I have lost contact with many of our family friends from long ago. So family was the next thing I could think of.
We have both been avoiding each other. My DB coach also adviced me on sending 3 cards, a week apart each: firstly on expressing regret, secondly on informing her of the changes I am making in my life and a third on getting back to being friends again. I only sent the first and then just couldn't get around to doing the other two. No excuses for the delay.
Is it too late to do this now, since she has already told me notice about how and when it's going down?
My DB coach also told me that I should limit the emails to one-a-week or so, but I haven't been able to send any because I didn't want to end up saying the wrong thing as I have in the past.
One time I made the mistake of showering her with gifts when she was telling me NOT TO send anything. I also didn't send her anything for the Anniversary this time around but did buy her something.
There is one big hurdle for the whole thing. We are literally hundreds of miles apart. And she has told me to stay away. So there is no way for her know or see any of the improvements I am making to my life unless I write to her or send her an email.
SW You need to handle your grief first....it seems she is oblivious to that. The me me me of MLC. She may not file....she may file and later stop it....she may go thru with it. Sometimes they have to do that to feel the loss. My H is the later sad to say...we have our first hearing in june. It seems so sureal as my lawyer moves ahead with this. But everyone is right , make changes for you
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
You are grieving not only the loss of your brother but you M too. this is a lot to deal with.
I can only tell you from experiences of the last 4 mon that my H who is now 50 responds to me focusing life on him. we are separated and see ea other less and less. But I make sure I ask him how his day was and listen and act interested... though at times I want to strangle him through the phone for he never asks me.
If you are focusing on you then she may be at the point of feeling that you do not care at all about her.
I asked my H to talk 2 wks ago and he said ok then called and talked instead of showing up but the convo was about him. Then he showed up and again the convo was about him. I finally got to the point that I needed to tell him things so I sent an email. Well... he calls... tells me you don't sound well. No crap sherlock is what I wanted to say but I said. No I am injured not sick and the meds are making me feel really weird. Nothing I got nothing from him at all... he was cold as ice.
He has to hurry up and get off the phone if I start to talk about the kids or something he does not want to deal with. This is really obvious some days.
they can't deal with OUR problems is what I think might be happening. she needs you to be strong and there but just doesn't have the compassion in her to deal with your feelings right now????
You need to deal with those feelings and get yourself together and it is not going to be easy or happen overnight. Grief takes a huge tole on our minds and bodies. Stress runs right along with it.
Maybe a simple email....? Not sure what you need to say but it has to be light and not depressing and not about you I hope that you find peace soon.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
Was with with my late brother's family this evening and the topic about my sitch came up. My Sister-in-law was saying that I should send m W an email acknowledging her demand for a D, but at the same time let her know that "she is the person I want to spend the rest of my days with" and that my she should try and postpone the procedings for about a year or so before moving ahead.
I understand that no one can tell me what I must say, but any thoughts would really help
Wish I had answers to give. I think what you SIL said is very good. Don't beg or ask, just state that you still love her and do not want a divorce. I think brief and matter of fact would work best.
I'm sorry you are having this difficult time. I am sending prayers and encouragement your way.
bambam
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
It's hard to tell if you W if having an MLC. The death of your brother may have steered her in that direction. A reminder that life is so fragile can do a real number on a person. When my mom passed away my W didn't even give me a hug. When I asked she reluctanly hugged me without any feeling. If your W is having an MLC it will be harder to reach her. If she's not than you may be able to ask her forgiveness. Then ask her if she can hold off on going through with the D. Ask her if both of you can go to a marriage counselor to see if the M can be salvaged. Remind her how long you've been together and how you've gone through some good and bad times with each other.
About the accusing her of the A. If would tell one of her GF's how you unfairly accused her of having an A. If you chose the GF that's the gossiper it will get back to your W.
Thank you all for your input here and for the PMs received.
Thought of replying to my W with the following:
“Dearest ???? I have read your email regarding your wishes. I know that I have done you many wrong in the past and said many things (that I never meant), to hurt your feelings. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and to relive them in my heart again and again gives me so much pain and sorrow. I know you feel that my intensions were insincere and I cannot change any of that. Only God knows the truth. What you are asking now is something I never wanted. I love you very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. All I ask of you is to give it another year before moving ahead, for the sake of the oath we have taken under the hands of God. Yours Faithfully,”
I also wish there was someway I could mention how my W is in the process of repeating the same mistakes her Parents did as I have in the past. For her being on automatic pilot is far worse, since what I seen so far is very much a carbon copy process in the making. I have been exposed to new information that I am using to steer me in a more righteous path.
