After having gone through this for a short time, at least a short time in the accepted MLC timeframes, I do have some thoughts, observations, and opinions about MLC and the LBS. I have been divorced for about 2 months, I was the one who threw in the towell, so to say, I just got tired of being hurt and humilliated, so I chose to end it, which I did. Since that time I have been on the boards, mostly lurking, but I have posted a little from time to time. Lurking on the boards has given me some insight into a lot of situations, most are remarkably the same in nature. This board is full of very sad people trying to understand why this has happened to them, how to restore thier marriage, and trying to deal with the pain this has caused. I think with all of this being said, I think there is some very bad misinformation going on. We have to be realistic in the sense that there is an overwhelming chance that our marriages are over for good. I am basing this statement on what I see posted here. I know that its a popular misconception that many on here get thier marriages back together and just stop posting. I honestly feel that is more of wishfull thinking rather than the truth. I say this because if you look at the most veteran of veteran posters, you will see where they end up, divorced. I am not trying to be totally negative, but it is what it is. I think this is the first step in accepting and dealing with the situation of the LBS. Along with this comes the awful pain of having to parent by yourself, which is another awful side effect of this situation. I am in the unique position of have gone through this twice. My dad walked off and left us high and dry many years ago, then my XW did the same thing with out 2 children. I suppose that has been the toughest thing to overcome for me, but with all things it shall be overcome. We ask ourselves why and how could someone be so selfish and mean? I really cannot answer that, there are some EXMLCers on the board who can give us some insight, but I think that every situation is different, some are much meaner than others. One thing that I have learned is that MLC has ONE central common factor. It ALWAYS involves SOMEONE ELSE. I know there are some folks on here who will debate me on this, but I will argue that if you are involved in a seperation or divorce without someone else, you are dealing with a WAS not a MLCer. The common theme in this crisis is the idea of making a life with someone else. The MLCer truly believes that the OP is the prince charming or fairy princess they have waited for all thier lives. They believe their own B.S. in the sense that they feel that they can "start over" or have a "fresh new start" It involves someone else though, I think that is why they abandon thier kids, former homes, pets, people, they all believe that all of the above is the cause for them not being happy. I agree with what a lot of people on here say about it being a totally selfish situation, its all about them, PERIOD! Do they know what they are doing is wrong? SURE! What kind of a person who has a reasonable amount of intellegence wouldn't know? They do not care! They don't care about you, kids, nobody or nothing! They feel in their heart that there life will be so much better without you or their former compaions. Why does MLC take so long? Good question! I suppose there are many different reasons, I feel the predominate one is the fact they feel that they will FIND true happiness if they keep looking, just wait a little longer and they will have everything they want! What brings them to the realization it won't happen? Another good question! I suppose many different things can and do. Deaths probably trigger the feeling they will end up dying alone, so I suppose it would. I think that they slowing come to the realization that they are getting old and what they are looking for doesn't exist, or they are hurt by the OP and realize what an ASS they have made out of themselves! I think a number of things can trigger it. Why are former marriages not restored? Well, some are, but very few based on what I have seen here. My thoughts on why others aren;t most LBS move on, to wait for someone who is acting like a total fool is a big time sacrifice to make! Almost everyone will decide to move on. MLCers who come out may WANT to have thier former lives back, but most people will not admit they have done wrong, no matter what it is they have done, therefore they will not pursue the LBS, which I feel is absoultely necessary to have any chance of reconsilliation. I also feel the former MLCer may feel humiliated themselves for what they have done, therefore they might feel the LBS deserves something other than themselves. I don't know, just some thoughts and observations. I don;t know too many people on the board who have gone through an MLC and tried to regain their spouse AMYC is the only one I know of, and she has worked very hard to regain her marriage, so far with little success. I admire her for doing that, and she is genuinely sorry for everything, but there is just so much damage that is done by this behavior that it is super tough to make amends for the past. Just some thoughts and observations on this situation, hope I don't ruffle too many feathers!
I have to agree with a lot of what you said. I have lived a lot of it in my own situation. Yes, you can place your bets that there is an OP involved. My H once said he never would have left home if it hadn't been for the ow. I think they are too afraid to be alone so they swing from us to the new person, stepping directly into a new life they think will provide happiness. As for the restoration part, and the MLC'er feeling regret, shame and guilt, definitely. It takes time but they get there. And I do agree that several of them are so guilt-ridden that they don't pursue the LBS even if they want to, because they are too ashamed.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I don;t know too many people on the board who have gone through an MLC and tried to regain their spouse AMYC is the only one I know of, and she has worked very hard to regain her marriage, so far with little success.
Guess you didn't read the making out post.
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What kind of a person who has a reasonable amount of intellegence wouldn't know? They do not care! They don't care about you, kids, nobody or nothing!
I do not agree with this statement at all.
I have come to a few conclusions my self. When a LBS "throws in the towel" they come back here and start a thread of "negativity" I find that this negativity comes from bitterness.
In YOUR eyes, WE the LBS, that has not thrown in the towel, looks like we are delusional.
I am sorry , that you have gotten a divorce. It seems like something you did, just b/c YOU didn't want to suffer anymore. I totally understand that.
Snodderly is also D'd. She comes here and gives us wonderful very infomrative advice, and information, that sounds nothing like what you have posted.
I know people on the Surving the big D forum come here and look at us with a big (sigh) and say. I remember when i was like they were. And then they sigh again.
I want to thank you for giving us your point of view. Since it is only your Point of View, I do find many parts of it not be fact at all.
My grandmother was left by her H. (my grandad) he left her for a younger women. H left my grandmother we 11 kids.
He left her with a farm in Cuba, and they did not even have a floor.
Instead of being bitter, and , "throwing in the towel" she prayed. She connected with God, in a way, that marvels me to this day. She thanked God for giving her this trial, and then she got to work, doing work for God, her kids, raising animals, milking cows the works.
Not one word from my grandpa, he was a drop out I think they are called.
She would pray to God to make her the type of wife she should be, even if my grandpa was not coming back.
She prayed for God and the Holy Spirit to protect my grandpa while he was away, and soften his heart.
She prayed that the OW repent for her sins before it was to late.
4 years and 3 weeks later, my grandfather suddenly came home.
They were together for another 30 years until his death. He was on his death bed, and he would not die, until my grandmother came in, and whispered in his here, that she would be ok.
he took one deep breath and he died.
So for as you saying ,
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We have to be realistic in the sense that there is an overwhelming chance that our marriages are over for good. I am basing this statement on what I see posted here.
I think that is not a fact.
I think the FACT is that these people do come back, I think there is so much divorce, b/c many LBS have "thrown in the towel"
God bless you braveheart.
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Lis, you like I are entitled to your opinion and I respect your views. However, I do think you selectivly read my post. I wasn;t trying to be negative only realistic. I am sorry to say that most of the time, people who go through this do end up Divorced, statistics show there is a greater than 50% divorce rate in the U.S., so under the BEST conditions, divorce is statistically the odds on favorite. I also stated in my post that SOMETIMES it DOES work out! I wasn't putting down anyone by my posting, I admire all that stand or are standing, I clearly pointed out that I CHOOSE to do what I did, I take full responsibility for ending my Marriage, I didn't wish to continue standing and taking. I do agree with what you said about the LBS not wanting to work it out after they come out of it, said it quite clearly in my post! I feel I had a REALISTIC viewpoint of the MLC sitch, not negative. Sorry if you feel otherwise!
If one wants it to be done and cannot handle it any longer, they will throw in the towel. Then there are those of us who took vows before God for richer for poorer, in sickness and til death do us part. I know there are those who just cannot take it anymore and have to move on.
The MLCer's DO care. I have seen it over and over again. ANd hearing that my H says it kills him everyday that he is not with his kids but that is his choice at the moment.
It is when the MLCer feels they can make that move, when they are confident and comfortable in doing it, they will choose.
I try to imagine myself, doing what my H is doing, shacking up, coming over on weekends, facing my spouse and kids, knowing that my kids know that I am sleeping with another person.......I could not do this as it would kill me due to guilt. This is where I would have to self medicate as well. But deep in his heart, he knows where he really belongs.
I say all in God's perfect timing, not mine.
I commend Lissett's grandfather for coming back, even if it took a long time, he still made the journey back home.
Last edited by steelersfan; 05/26/0705:34 PM.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I don't think DIVORCE is the final step in this either.
I do believe that many get divorced. I most likely will be one of them Lawyer are retained.
I just don't think that DIVORCE has to be the end of the road either.
you can be divorced, and get remarried, and you can be divorced and they the WAS's or MLCers come back.
It may be alot less , but i believe it does happen.
I hear what you are saying, and thank you for saying you hear me as well
Look how long it took Bob and Charlyne (Charlyne Cares...) to remarry after their divorce--three years!!! No, divorce, is not the end all. And if you have kids together, you are forever connected.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I think that with God all things are possible and God (if you believe in Him and His Word) has said so in the Bible. God hates divorce, therefore, I think, if you ask, ye shall receive.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I agree with Lissett on this one. Divorce is not always the end...my aunt and uncle were divorced in 1982 and never left one another and to this day are still together...remarried at the courthouse the second time around...
A gal I worked with husband flipped out too and they got D and 2 years later they got back together and are still together...
A friend of mine who is a marriage therepist says that 55% of all 1st marriages end in D nowadays...and 85% of SECOND marriages end in divorce...
I believe there is a lot of intolerance in people...like people are disposable..."oh, he had too many flaws or didn't come around when I wanted him to so I D'd him", blah, blah, blah...
What does that tell us??? At the first test of loyalty, we run off b/c we are only loyal to ourselves. that is truly sad. I take my vows very seriously, I do not want a D... I am not going to initiate it...he could be gone for years...but I am not going to file...
I personally believe that many do want to come back...we have to be loving and allow it to happen...I am not saying forgiving and forgetting, I am saying be KIND, be LOVING, be the ROCK...
You must really BELIEVE in it...we do have the power to change this...through prayer and positive thinking...God never abandons us, it is us that abandon Him. We give in to despair. Somedays are hard...we can all attest to that...but I not going down without swinging...
Read "The Secret", you'll understand what I am talking about...
Godspeed his love to you, Valentine
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
I agree with Valentine also, I am not going to file if I was given that choice. No way.
And now, I think I need to get on my hands and knees and thank God for the small things.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
