My husband informed me a few months ago that he was unhappy. When he first told me, he cried along with me and said that he wanted to make things work just the same as me, so I found this promising and was happy to do whatever I could. His unhappiness stemmed from household chores that he didn't think I was maintaining well enough. We had discussed chores throughout the years, but he never clearly explained that he wished for something different from me than I was assuming. Thus, I never lived up to his wishes and he continued to be unhappy and then it exploded.
Well, he also has a lot on his plate and many of these things came to a head right about when he told me that he thought we should separate. He was taking the GMAT and didn't do as well as he wished, an elderly neighbor of ours was dying of cancer and they were very close, his job was creating lots of stress, his sister's ex-boyfriend is threatening to kill her - crazy, I know!, his aunt unexpectedly passed away of a neurological disorder that he may be at risk for having and the prognosis is that most don't live past their 30s...he's 29.
My thought is that this is a MLC and he is able to control the marriage portion, so he feels it is necessary to take me out of his life and then that will be one less stress in his life. I'm also toying with the Depression symptoms. He has been taking Adderall for the past few months too for testing anxiety (after he didn't do well on his GMAT). I'm concerned and can't help but think that this drug has made him focus more on the unhappy things in his life rather than helping him maintain a balance between the happy and unhappy.
I'm trying the 'back-door' approach with him by putting him in fun situations without him knowing that I'm doing it on purpose. We're at the point where, we've had a million discussions on this and we talk in circles. I have learned not to push anymore, but I feel SO hopeless. We went to a therapist one time, and he hated it and told me he wouldn't go back. He won't go to anyone for help b/c he feels that what he knows is in his heart and he's terrified of someone telling him that he is wrong.
He has started painting our house and buying new light fixtures in an effort to sell the house by the end of summer. I am trying to drag my feet and hopefully he will start to see clearly before we have to move forward. Ok, I know this is painfully long, but I really need some support......
Well all the triggers seem to be there for MLC, so it would be useful to list the symptoms.
Tell us more about your situation, How old are you, how long have you been together, Children involved etc.
In the mean time there is a wealth of information in the Resources Thread, take time to read.
We are all here to support, especialy when you have specific issues.
Unfortunatly, in my experience, if it is MLC, and he is preparing the house for resale, then nothing will stop the train.
You can only detach, and wait for the repercussions of his actions.
In the meantime, look after yourself financialy. Open your own bank account and start building a nest egg. Protect yourself and offspring (if any) first, before you try and help him. Same advice as for the oxygen masks on planes. Yourself first, before other.
Thanks for your post Smurf_SMR. I am not ready to give up on my husband though...I have told him that I would go down kicking and screaming b/c this is my marriage. I've backed off from making him have discussion after discussion about it b/c I know that is not helpful anymore.
We are both 29, we've been together for seven years and will be married for three years in July. We do not have any children, but were planning to start trying within the next year. I think this may have also contributed to my husband's stresses b/c he was overwhelmed at thinking about having a child enter into our dynamic.
The strangest part for me is that we get along just as well as we always have - we don't argue with one another and I actually am doing more now than I ever have now that I understand what made my husband unhappy initially. I feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again b/c he is communicating better with me and I can finally understand more of what he likes. I thought this was our main trouble...communication. My husband is so sure that he cannot rely on how things were in the past...he doesn't think that we can successfully repair our communication troubles.
I know that I'm babbling, and for that I apologize. I really just don't have anyone to speak with. My grandmother is going through breast cancer right now, so my mother is encompassed with this great stresser and actually knows nothing of my troubles. I cannot bear to tell her in the wake of what she is dealing with now.
My husband did get a new job and will be starting that next week, so I'm hopeful that it will help him relieve some stress.
Firstly I am sorry about your Grandmother, your mother must be going through a lot.
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I feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again
Its an odd sensation, that feeling, I have been married 25 years, and just after the bomb, I had that same sensation, as though all that time did not exist. I think we all go through that, which makes the detaching so much harder.
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Thanks for your post Smurf_SMR. I am not ready to give up on my husband though
I hope I did not infer that you give up on him, quite the contrary, that is what this site is all about. We are only here to give you the tools, to cope with this.
So what made you post on the Midlife Crisis board? Why not the newcomers or seperated thread?
I suggest you look up the threads of Cinderellaman. Her Husband left, but is being friendly and communicative.
I don't know why I posted on this particular list...I guess b/c I have it in my mind that my husband is suffering from the 'Anytime Mid-Life Crisis' and I thought people would be able to best understand my situation by posting here.
I'm sure it is not good for me to be this way, but I am not detaching. I cannot let myself feel like I'm going to give up on this situation until the divorce paperwork is signed. Which is another thing. We both live in a city about 500 miles from our families and we only have each other here. He would stay here b/c he just took a new job, but I contemplate moving back to my hometown for the support of family and friends. Lately I've contemplated staying here though for the year separation so that we can possibly work together and see if things do get better. By moving away, I feel like that will be a clean cut with little hope for repair.
I have spoken with my sister about this and she is very saddened by this whole situation since it is so very uncharacteristic of my husband. He was such a sensitive guy who has such high beliefs of marriage and religion. He did say that he would not go to a therapist, but he wanted to start to go to church more often. We are making sure to get there tomorrow, so I feel like if he is able to recognize that he needs something to help with these stresses he is feeling, then there is hope. Am I crazy to hang on to little things like this?
He would stay here b/c he just took a new job, but I contemplate moving back to my hometown for the support of family and friends. Lately I've contemplated staying here though for the year separation so that we can possibly work together and see if things do get better.
Some comments on this, I live in a foreign country away from all family and friends, but have managed to build a support mechanism, and with the help of this site, many of the regular posters to me live thousands of miles away.
I am a true believer in that you can never go back, only forward. You grow apart from what you once had, your family. I love my brothers and parents dearly, but could never go back to living in each others pockets.
Also the issues will follow you. You cannot run away from them, they will always be with you. That is what an MLCer does, runs away from the issues, but the issues never go away and finally catches up with them.
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By moving away, I feel like that will be a clean cut with little hope for repair.
Another thread to read, would be that of BrandNewDay (BND). Her husband move 3-4000 miles away for 2 years, and they are now reunited. So there is always hope.
My advice in summary: Stay put, do not let him force you to go back Find a local support mechanism Read as much as you can, so that you know what you are dealing with and Detach Detach Detach
I'm sure it is not good for me to be this way, but I am not detaching. I cannot let myself feel like I'm going to give up on this situation until the divorce paperwork is signed.
Are you saying you are having difficulty or unable to detach, or that you refuse? It sounds like a refusal. If that is the case, you do not understand detaching.
You detach from the emotional rollercoaster. He is angry, spewing cycling emotionally, constantly changing his mind...detached, you will not cycle with him or allow his moods and emotions to throw you off center.
Detach from the emotions, not the person. You may feel as I do...from wha tI saw in my early days here I felt (and still feel)that detaching can lead to giving up as an LBS loses caring for her MLCer...And so I say, detach from the emotions, NOT the person.
And if you are Standing and/or don't want a divorce, why would you let yourself feel like you can give up once legal documents are finalized? That shouldn't matter.
Thank you for your clarification. I don't think that I truly understood the term 'detach'. I am really trying to detach myself from the emotions, but it is incredibly difficult. I know that there will be good days and bad days, and yesterday was a really good day and now today was a good day until we were playing Trivial Pursuit and having a glass of wine when he took off his wedding band. I knew he was doing it to test me to see if I would get angry with him, but I was really good and didn't say a word. Now I'm awake and he's sleeping and his ring is sitting in front of me on the coffee table.
I know it is not safe to assume, but does anyone else think this is just a test? He wants to see my reaction? I'm trying to follow the 'Last Resort' rules and pretend as if I'm beyond it and it's not going to bother me anymore. This is very difficult, but I'm trying to remain positive and realize that he has a lot going on that I can't understand and if we were once in love, which he claims that his feelings for me haven't changed and he still loves me, then I want us to remain friends. I love the advice of not giving up even after the paperwork is signed.
Thank you so much for your feedback....just knowing that I'm not going through this alone is so helpful. Just when I feel like nobody would understand what is going on with us, I have all of you and I'm very grateful.
