I think we're piecing but it's scary

[kimpossible]

Hi everyone over here. I have not been on this site for about 1 year. I was originally over in Infidelity.
My Sitch....
H 42
Me 40, I have S18 & D17. We have S10.
We have been together 14years. Married for 9years.
Bomb dropped 2yrs ago.
He decided he wanted out and gave no reason just said it wasn't working after an argument. Me devastated and he just wouldn't say what was going on just that it hadn't been right for awhile.
Turns out about 2 months later he tells me there is an OW.
Affair had been going on for about 2yrs behind my back and I had no idea. She worked with him.
We then went through him going back & forth from her to me and back again I don't know how many times. I was determined that she was never going to have him. I didn't so much care if he met someone else (well I did but I wouldn't have sabotaged it) but no way was he going to be with her. That was my first mission.
I was DBing to a point but my motive was wrong. Mind you I succeeded in the end & they only communicate at work now and that is b/c they have to.
Yes I had contact with her which I initiated at first with H's permission and she continued.
Anyhow for the past year H & I have been I guess dating. Don't worry we have had a lot of ups & downs & alot of lies along the way from him.
I think we are coming out of the fog now though. He has now asked to move back in as he wants our M to work. ABOUT TIME....
So for the last 2 nights we have been discussing it and things we want and don't want and you know what.... its weird. I have mixed feelings about this. It is what I have wanted all along and what I have worked towards and now that it is here I really do not know how I feel. 2yrs is a long time to be on your own and to come & go as you like, to have tea when you like to just worry about yourself and the kids and now the dynamics will change.
I find the whole thing rather scary & I don't know if I really trust him yet but I guess I just take it one day at a time. I am speaking up for what I want tho & if he doesn't like it then bad luck. Don't get me wrong it is only on a couple of things I feel very strongly about and I have said I will make some changes for him too, so I guess it is baby steps and trying to take it slow.
Any advice from people that have been here and things to try and avoid would be appreciated, I know the hard work probably really starts now.......

[kimpossible]

I didn't really say much about him moving back in.
He came to me & said that he feels that we cannot connect and work on our M while we r in 2 different houses. That he now knows how much he hurt me & he will never cause that kind of hurt again as he feels guilty about it all the time. He wants to show me how much I mean to him and how much he appreciates me. He knows he will have to have more tolerance at home & not fly off the handle quickly. He wants us to fall back in love even tho he said he still loves me & that never went away. He said he has always loved me & he knew it was there but he wants it to become stronger. I must admit he did a good job of saying everything I wanted to hear. The main thing I said was that we need to have openess & honesty b/c that is what I believe is important in a M. That there should not be secrets. This is b/c he has a big thing about his mobile. He believes that I shouldn't touch his & he shouldn't touch mine. That it is personnal. I told him that I have nothing to hide & he can look at mine whenever he wants & if he cannot comfortably leave his lying around for fear of what I will see then I find hard to believe he is not hiding something. I told him that is one thing I will not budge on. This is b/c people have contacted him on his phone & he hides who it is. That worries me so if this is going to truly work & he has nothing to hide it shouldn't be a problem. Am I wrong in thinking this???????

[kimpossible]

I have been floating over all the forums and there are not many people I recognise from my time here before. I was using KimDownUnder before in case anyone else has changed their names. Hopefully everyone has moved on b/c they are in a much happier place. Anyhow I am open to meeting new people on these boards as we all share something in common and that is M troubles in some way shape or form.

[Upside]

Hi Kim-
Have you ever heard of the 3 R's? Remorse, Repent and Repair...that is what your H needs to be trying to do. I may be totally wrong, but if my H had an A, I would be hesitant to reconcile if my H wasn't willing to do whatever it takes for me to feel comfortable in the R. Though, if your H is having a MLC, maybe all bets are off and you just have to try to survive the rollercoaster until he comes out of it.

I just got the Divorce Remedy by Michelle Wiener-Davis. I am just getting to the 3rd step, but I think she has a lot of great advise. Maybe you should check it out. There is a chapter on infidelity where she states about S that had the A "you owe it to your partner and yourself to bend over backward to prove your trustworthiness".

My H left 3 months ago (claims their is no OW), he said he just wasn't happy, wasn't sure he wanted to be married and pointed out everything I had done wrong since we have been married. Things are getting a little better now. We have had several sessions with a MC and we are both getting IC. My H says he want to take baby steps, but I am struggling with what those steps are. On top of that, even though he claims there is no OW, I have difficulty trusting him. He isn't ready to come home yet, but when or if he does, I know I am going to need a lot of reassurrance from him...but on the flip-side of that, it might be best for our M if I just try to let go and have faith...what do you do????

I wish you lots of strength to get you through this.

UD

[BeingMe]

Hi Kim. I don't remember you, but I have been on the forum for about 3 years now ... in piecing for about 2 years. All I can say is that piecing is so much harder than working on winning your spouse back. There are so many issues one has to deal with, like trust. I think that if someone, like our H's, have betrayed that trust, then they should be completely transparent in everything, including their damn cell phones. If they want us to trust them again, that is. The choice is theirs, I feel. I found the hardest thing is when my H stepped over the boundaries I put in place, and ignored what I wanted if we got back. But, I am working on it, and I hope he is too.

Anyway, good luck with piecing your M. It's hard work, but worth it, I think, in the long run. The only advice I can give, is to be clear on your needs and expectations, but lighten up too. Try and have fun together, and enjoy each other's company without too much heavy R stuff.

Take care.

[kimpossible]

Being Me and Upside Down,
Thank you for dropping by. I was in Infidelity for most of my time when I was on the boards before so maybe that is why you haven't come across me before.
You are both right about the WAS having to be transparent that is exactly how I feel and why I am sticking to my guns on the mobile phone deal. I feel if he cannot leave his phone around or doesn't want me to look at it then he MUST have something to hide. In the past when I snooped I often would find people had been contacting him and they were saying things that friends just dont say. Whilst I have not snooped for a long time now even on the rare times I have had the opportunity I do feel he needs to prove he is not hiding anything and that is a way of him building my trust. I know I have to let some things go but I will not bow down on this one.
I know it sounds shallow but am I wrong in saying unless he can do that he cannot move back in??? I mean that is my major issue and if he can't understand that then is there really a point b/c the openess & honesty wouldn't be there from the start would it.
Am I looking at that incorrectly.....I would really like peoples opinion on this......

[kimpossible]

My H left 3 months ago (claims their is no OW), he said he just wasn't happy, wasn't sure he wanted to be married and pointed out everything I had done wrong since we have been married. Things are getting a little better now. We have had several sessions with a MC and we are both getting IC. My H says he want to take baby steps, but I am struggling with what those steps are. On top of that, even though he claims there is no OW, I have difficulty trusting him. He isn't ready to come home yet, but when or if he does, I know I am going to need a lot of reassurrance from him...but on the flip-side of that, it might be best for our M if I just try to let go and have faith...what do you do????

UpsideDown it is hard isn't it. You have no proof there is an OW so I wouldn't focus on it too much at the moment. This will not help my H said the same thing and there was BUT I have seen others have their H's say this and there wasn't so each case is to be taken on its own merit. In yours I would say try not to focus on that until you have some real proof that there is. Work on your communication with your H for starters and try and act AS IF so he see's that you are such a good person and hopefully he will realise that he misses you. Apply good DBing and again act AS IF b/c it does work in them looking at you differently but it is something that takes a long time, alot of practise and alot of mistakes before it becomes your way of life. When it does things really do seem to change.
I hope that helps a bit and hold on to the fact that he is at least prepared to work on it so that is hope on it's own.....

[kimpossible]

Well H came and stayed on Tuesday nite. It was a good nite we both seemed to enjoy it & he was meant to stay again last nite but he decided he wld rather go home as he has running around to do the next day. I was not happy with this.

I had told H that whilst I thought him moving in cld be a good thing that we couldn't just jump straight in after 2 yrs. He agreed. My suggestion was to ease into it by him staying a few nights in a row & see how we r all coping and see how that goes for awhile.

This is what I thought staying tues & wed was going to be - the first of a couple of nights in a row. I did tell him that by him going home it felt as if he didn't want to be at the house and would prefer to be elsewhere, even if that was just at his home on his own.

I had told him previously I needed to see some sort of enthusiasm from him which to me would show me we were on the right track. At the time (1 week ago) he agreed.

He didn't leave last night until 11.30pm so I just didn't get it.

I feel he is the one that walked out and the one who asked to move back in but is it wrong of me to expect him to be portraying to me that he hates being away from us and that he would like to stay as often as possible??????

I also asked him last nite what time frame he had in mind for his moving back in and he told me he thought he was doing that this weekend.......yes in 2 days time.......

I was astounded, so I said to him, "Really, you haven't spoken to me about that", he answered he thought it would be O.K." I told him it wouldn't be as it was too soon and I hadn't seen enough to make me think it was the correct decision yet but I thought we were meant to be working toward that.

He claims he understood but he is a man of very few words so I just don't know.

My question to everyone is am I being to demanding. Am I expecting too much. Should I just be letting him move in and hoping for the best.

I am hoping to avoid making a wrong decision and have myself and the kids go through the heartache of having him move out again.
I myself want it to work but have alot of issues to sort through myself. Him sort of proving himself helps alot of those issues.

Am I being unreasonable??????

[BeingMe]

No! You are not being unreasonable. Do not let your H move back until you are ready, and are seeing the positive changes that you need to see. My humble opinion, of course!

[25yearsmlc]

kimposs,

pls chk my posting under piecing. Believe me, THIS IS the hardest part in some ways. But if you really have this choice, remember that many don't get a choice. Sometimes that helps...I just feel this part is when the work really is starting and I have also been on my own for 2 years more or less.

You get used to it, even at peace. And sometimes, you start to taste the freedom of not having to consider the H's needs at all times, and finally put yourself and your kids first....and that can start tasting good...plus just Not having so much tension at home with them there, can be a serious blessing. Definite friction with the kids at first. Like a guy in the Navy coming home after years and wanting to just pick up where he left off, blurting out orders, etc. I've had some good talks with H about slowing ALL that down, giving the kids time to adjust and trust that he IS going to be around. But forgiving and letting go of the past 2 years like it didn't happen, is much harder than I realized. And it isn't like that anyhow. BUT, Im hanging in, and rooting for you.
j-