I just keep hoping for that fairytale ending... and when I get to the point where I might see it happening..... it seems like my castle walls start crumbling.... and my fairytale ending gets further and further away....
Hi R2.
Don't we all wish we can have the fairytale? Sadly, there just may not be that kind of ending.
For your sake, you should do yourself a favor and start preparing yourself to hear the truth...even if it hurts. That's how most people try to survive...by managing their expectations.
Sometimes...we can't always know what's coming...just have to be ready to face what it is.
You've been so graceful through your whole ordeal...give yourself some credit for that, at least.
I think I have prepared myself somewhat.... I hear that "realistic" voice in my head... I guess maybe I am just not ready to hear it come out of his mouth.
And thank you for saying that I have been graceful through my ordeal. It is nice to hear things like that from time to time. Sometimes I think i am not "following" the "right" script. I have so many people judging me and telling me that I am doing the wrong things... that it is nice to have someone say that I might be doing okay.
I know there isn't a script and I def. see that after going through this no two people experience this nor go through it the same way. We all have to take our own path to healing. Some of us go about it the "unconvential" way. We don't turn away from our X. We don't spew nastiness in their direction always. We don't lash out at all that is being thrown on us.
I try to "take the high road". I didn't deserve this, no one does. And I can only try to hold my head up high and stick to my convictions and continue to be who I am. I am a very loving and forgiving person and I can't let his actions change that in me. No matter how many tears he has caused me to shed... I can't change me... and sadly me loves him unconditionally in good times and bad, in sickness and in health.
There is no "script" that anyone can hand you for any sort of relationship. That said, you have to listen to yourself.
Quote:
I can't change me...
I do beg to differ on this. Yes, we all have unique personalities and we can debate all kinds of personality theories until the cows come home. However, you can control and change how you perceive things and react to/act on situations.
No matter how loving and forgiving you are, another person can perceive you as a doormat. I don't think you are being that but your ex may very well see that. You are in his view his fallback position. Are you really content with that? As someone else pointed out, friends generally don't have a physical relationship. However, physical relationships generally do have a good component of friendship that supports them.
Perhaps you can examine why you continually take him back despite the many tears you've shed over this relationship. If you are repeating a pattern that is making you unhappy, you have to question yourself and your motives for that.
Also...this is really off the beaten path, but you seem to be looking for validation or worrying about who is judging you and in what way. Perhaps you can just let go of that need. (Yup, easier said than done.) It's irrelevant what other people think of this or what you need to do in this situation in the long run.
No you can't let his actions remove the loving and forgiving nature in you; however, you can change how you behave in loving and forgiving ways.
One more thought, we do attract what we most focus on and give our energy to. My basic thought here is you're focused on the confusion of this relationship and expect it, that's why you're in this position. Can you refocus yourself in this situation and see what comes up? If you want a friend, you'll act as a friend and focus on that. You can't make someone love you or want you or to behave as you wish. I'm not sure if the "tough love" or the Dobson approach as someone mentioned above is appropriate here--those basically set boundaries for the other person. I don't know if that's applicable here. Perhaps setting boundaries for yourself--such that you decide what it is you want in your life. Perhaps not so much who you want or how you want others to act or love you but the qualities you'd like to have in your life and the type of life you'd like to lead. Figuring out that "boundary" confusion helped me a lot. Focusing more on me and how I decided I wanted to live and the qualities/experiences I wanted to have really helped out.
Unconditional love can mean many things. It doesn't need to be physical. It often means just acknowledging a situation, respecting it, but not acting on it.
Kudos for you for avoiding the spewing and what I call the "emotional incontinence!" I sure as heck didn't do too well in that department LOL.
Yes I want more than friendship there is no doubt about that, but I would also be okay with being his friend, even without the physical part. I just want to talk to him and see him on occasion. I just want to know that he is happy.
Knowing what I want is the easy part. Knowing what to do about that is the hard part.
Here's my hunch....you are trying to protect yourself from hurt and so you are trying to convince yourself that being friends and him being happy is ok with you. I get that.
Don't lose yourself. What YOU want and what YOU need is very very important too! Don't forget that.
Sometimes the path to the "good things" in life is covered with thorns. You'll step on a few, but can manuever yourself around most of them.
Hang in there! bambam
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
