I am an "on and off" poster here. I hope that will not keep anyone from giving me advice.
My XH and I have been seperated for almost a year and a half. We are coming up on our one year anniversary of being divorced. (Not one I will be celebrating.) We have maintained a physical realationship for over a year. He has thrown his hat in the dating pool several times, he has thrown it back in recently. As many times as he has "cast" his line he hasn't caught anything.
And I am to the point where I want to tell him that I love him. I want to tell him all the things I know I did wrong and how I can see how that made him feel (I am not taking responsibility for the failure of the marriage just acknowledging my role.)
He has searched for over two years (we were seperated once before) for someone else and has come up with nothing. And I want to approach the issue of us trying again. I know it would be hard. He wouldn't want to admit that he was wrong and that maybe he made a mistake to everyone, but in my heart I know we are meant to be together.
I miss him terribly. I miss seeing him everyday. I miss sharing things with him. I miss holding him. I miss being the one he turns to.
Is there ever a right time to bring up that issue? Or is there ever a good way to bring it up?
I am just scared of saying anything to him for fear he will run and never talk to me again. Yet on the flip side I need to do something for my own self. My personal life has been on hold for the past year. I am not dating, and I can't until I am 100% that we will never get back together. I want to move my personal life forward. I want to move it forward with him, but if that isn't an option then I really need to do some work to get beyond this point and be ready to accept spending my life with someone else.
But I feel like I will never be 100% sure unless I ask. I have been a "good" DB. I don't bring up the past, I don't talk about our realationship/marriage. I have just let things be. I have tried to be supportive of him. But I just am at a point where I need to take a path. And I scares the livinig daylights out of me to even try to approach him on the subject.... but... it needs to be done sometime, b/c I want kids (I am 30) and I can't wait forever.
I don't have an answer for you - but I wanted to bump this up so others won't let it get lost in the mix and not give you some help here. I wish I could feel comfortable in helping you with this situation but I don't. I would have said go for it until I read your age.
Your situation with your H sounded a bit like my own in the way the H's were acting. But you are so young yet. My H and I have already raised our kids........and he tried to see if there was another partner out there and there wasn't. He came back home after being away 14 months. But we are in our 50's and he will probably be ok resigning himself to coming home and being with me. I do know he still loves me - but he's cautious.....as am I.
Hopefully there will be more thots that others will give to help you weigh the pros and cons. And honestly........if you feel you need to know where you stand so that you can move on with your life.......than you should probably approach him about it otherwise you are allowing yourself to remain in limbo....holding on to who knows what.
God bless you whatever you do.
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
Seems to me that he is searching for something but has found that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
Do you think he is ready to re-commit to you?
How would you handle it if you were to take the leap again, and he was unfaithful?
Do you think it will work out this time around?
There are a lot of things for you to ponder as I am sure you do not want to be hurt again.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Brue, Thank you so much for your response. While I know I am young (trust me I have heard all the speeches :)) if he and I had already had at least on child, I would be content waiting this out forever. And that is where I get stuck and why the decision to wait longer or not to is so hard. It just stinks when there is this ticking clock in my head. ANd yes I know I still have lots of time... but that is if he comes back, if not I am back to square one and I know myself well enough to know that I haven't healed my hurt and I haven't dealt with the pain of mourning all the dreams that I have that included him. And I know it will take time to mourn that, and take time to find someone and take time to trust that person and take time to try to get pregnant etc...etc. (And no I don't see my XH coming back as a "means to an end" way of me getting pregnant.) If he came back and we could not have a child I would be devasted but I would make it through b/c I had him by my side... I don't know I am rambling! Thank you for your kind remarks! R2
Do you think he is ready to re-commit to you? Truthfully no. I think he is starting to realize that the grass isn't greener, but right now is pride is in the way. He would have to admit to his family and friends he made a mistake in leaving me and divorcing me. And that would be VERY hard for him to do.
How would you handle it if you were to take the leap again, and he was unfaithful? He has never been unfaithful and I truthfully don't believe he would be. I think the bigger question is if I took that leap of faith and he left again. I would be heart broken, but I think it would be 3 times and he is out. I think if we started to work it out he made a commitment to me and then left again I think I would be done with him for good. I have been the one constant in his life. The one thing who loved him for who he is and not for what I can get from him. He is used by people. And I don't think he really believes he deserves to be loved for who he is. He has told me before that he was just waiting for everyone to decided that I was too good for him. I have told him before that it isn't anyone's decision but mine, and I think he is right for me. And everyone else can have their own opinions but mine is the only one that matters.
Do you think it will work out this time around? In my heart of hearts yes. I believe I am in a better place now to be able to handle the stresses of life better. He has been "on his own" for a while now and has seen an array of women and relationships and might realize that I am not that bad. I believe we will have our problems, as all couples do, but I think I will have better skills to deal more effectively with them. (I was under LOTS of stress from the time we got engaged until shortly before he left the 1st time, then then 2nd I was still somewhat dealing with the 1st time.) I am happier in my new job, I am making head way financially, and feel more confident in myself.
I just want to share it all with him.
He moves into his house in July. So maybe I will give it the summer. I will go to counseling try to make myself even stronger emotionally. That will give him an opportunity to be a REAL adult and be REALLY responsible for the same things I have taken care of on my own since he left. And maybe he will realize how nice it is to have someone else in the house with you.
I just want to snap my fingers and see the future for a min. and know that it all will be okay. That my faith will bring me through and that I will have the things I want most in this world, a child and my husband back.
Thanks for your questions! I just feel so crazy and stupid for continuing to hope that he will come back, all my friends remind me frequently. It is just so hard when you love someone so much and every tells you, you are crazy for loving him. At some points you start to wonder if you are. Thank you! R2
have you read either dr dobson's book Love Must be Tough or dr donald harley's book When the One You Love Wants to leave?
both of those books will help you to put a little distance between him & you in a loving way so that your husband doesn't feel like he's able to string you along as he testing the dating waters while stringing you along as the just in case i don't catch anything
right now your husband has the milk so why does he need to buy the cow again? his pride is definately in the way & part of that is your doing since you're not making it more of a necessity to make more of a commitment to you the consideration that you might not always be there as backup hasn't hit him
I am fairly new to this since it has been two months since my bomb. I did read Love must be tough and it does help. I have not fully picked it up. I still am not as tough as I should be. But I reread the book as I need to. I have never read so many self help books in my life. I guess what I am trying to do is learn how to show him that I have changed through all of this. Not just telling him. I am also learning that I do not need to show him how much I really want him back. I need to do that through my actions.
I guess I just realized (just now typing). This is the same thing that I want from him. I had a conversation with him at the begining of the week where I told him that I feel he just hates me. He told me that he did not hate me and it was quite the contrary then asked me why I felt that he hated me. I proceeded to tell him that his actions speak louder than words. I guess I expect him to show me that he does not hate me not just tell me.
I just now realized that that I guess that is the way I need to treat this situation. I do not need to tell him that I want him back. I need to asses the reasons that may have lead to this and then work on changing "my faults" in this.
I am not saying you have not done that but I am learning (slowly) that I can not pine for him to him.
I hope this helps and good luck. mimi
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
I know I am not putting a lot on my XH to have him earn anything from me. I guess I just am trying to figure out how to get him to rise to the challenge without putting expectations. I know if I put expectations on him it will all back fire on me. He has always claimed what he wants most in life is his freedom, so if I start to infringe on that he will run wildly in the other direction.
Plus he has recently put himself back up on a dating website. He had been off of all dating websites since Jan. He has never really had much success. Though there are always a few people who respond to him, while I have never heard him speak highly of any of them, and none of them have stayed around more than a couple of dates, either his choice or theirs. So maybe I just need to let him be. Maybe I need to let him look out there again for the summer. (He doesn't know I know he is on the dating site. While I am not actively dating I do log on from time to time to see if there is anything that sparks my interest. I don't have my profile visible. But I can look at his.) I do know that he has had one person express interest in him and 2 who responded to his wink.
And I think I have really taken a look at our marriage and I see how I contributed to its faults. I see where I need to change the way I react to things and the way I deal with certain situations. I knew in the "heat" of it all that is what I needed, was a little distance. I mentioned to him that maybe I should spend some time (part of the summer-I am a teacher) at my parents’ house. So we both could have some space. But of course he said if we needed to do that then we just needed to get a divorce. So I stuck in out trying to figure out what I needed to change.
My last ditch effort was a counselor. That decision might have been the one that sealed my fate, that my marriage was not going to last. I did not get a Dr. Phil who told it like it was. I got a lady who didn’t want to upset my husband or bring up things that would make his anxiety any worse, even better a lady who could only see us once a month AND when we were in crisis the FIRST thing she said to us was, “well the marriage started our rough maybe it is time to end it.” Nice huh?
Well I have had that time and distance. I know some things that I need to change. And while I would LOVE to know exactly why he left, I acknowledge that I may never know. I can only hope that one day SOON he will be back.
I don’t know if any of this made ANY sense I just needed a sounding board. I am just at that stuck point of listening to my heart, or listening to that little annoying voice in the back of my head. And maybe he is too. Maybe he is hoping something will happen that will swing him one way or the other. (I just spent the past 7 hours with him. It was WONDERFUL.) That is the hard thing I look into his eyes and I see the love he has for me. Maybe I am just seeing what I want.
I just hate this limbo stage. Any advice would be wonderful! Thanks! R2
So,you are still physical with him? If so, that may be why it's still in limbo.
I'm not suggesting he is using you or having his cake and eating it too....but he doesn't have a real reason to commit right now. Call me crazy, but I think that is human. If he can have this great relationship w/you and still be able to "date", why would he give it up?
Am I off the mark here? I don't want to be critical b/c we all are different. If it were me and it was physical, I would end that part now. You may need some distance b/w you....the old cliche "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" is not too far off!
Did any of this make sense or offer any help?
bambam
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
No that makes sense. It is something I have heard before. I guess it is just one of those things, you use what has worked in the past. ANd sad but true it has worked in the past. And maybe part of me is scared to stop it, b/c my fear is that if I stop the physical relationship, then, there is that chance, that he won't talk to me anymore.... and I will have to admit that this person who I love with all my heart, and who I have given my heart to so many times, really has just been using me.
Right now that is really scary for me. I want to maintain a realtionship with him.... and I am okay with just a friendship. I am not sure if that is truly possible. And while I want to approach him and discuss it I am scared of what his reaction will be. I have been hurt by him so much in the past two years, I don't know if I can really handle him saying he wants nothing to do with me.
Maybe this is me just trying to hold on to my desire to want to be cared about by him.. and maybe me trying to hold on to my last shred of respect.... b/c god only knows that I would feel like a TOTAL failure if I did allow myself to be used by someone who I truly thought loved me and cared about me.
I don't know...... I want to know the truth... but I am very scared to hear it... and without a great support system here... it is one of those things, I try to deal with things in stages and if that means I do some things that aren't really the "best" for me to keep myself just on this side of sane.... until I have gotten over one hurdle before I tackle the next... then... I don't know.
I just keep hoping for that fairytale ending... and when I get to the point where I might see it happening..... it seems like my castle walls start crumbling.... and my fairytale ending gets further and further away....
I guess right now it is just scary to see that fall I might take if the truth is what I "don't want".... and it is like when you are a kid and you are trying to decide if you want to jump into the pool... it is a lot easier to make that jump if you know some one is there to save you from drowing.... my problem is I don't have that person in the pool... so I have to be prepared to save myself.....
Sorry for the rambling! I hope someone can make sense out of what i said! : ) r2
