Well, I've been on here for a little over a month now and am really appreciating the support. It is nice to come here and journal and get some advice from like-minded indivuduals (those interested in saving their marriages.)
I am really happy to say that right at the moment things are going very well. I hesitate to say that however, because I feel like it's surely only temporary. Kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I so appreciate my H trying however. I think both of us have managed to come out of our "entitlement ruts" a bit. Phew! Thank goodness. Cycles of positive activity are SO much easier than those vicious cycles of negativity!! If things stay on this upswing, I'll move to another forum, however, I feel sort of at home here for right now; hope you all don't mind.
Hey Zu, if I get time tonight I'm going to go back & read your "background." I know there were some email issues or something? I kind of have a handle on the "1992" stuff, but going to take the time to go back & read.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Yeah, the emails were found March 30th. Grrr. I am mentally gearing myself up for some sort of an "amnesty" session, where I'd like to burn them together or something. Kind of ask for a joint committment from both of us that we are in this together and forgiveness is the way to go. Have to think on it a bit more. Our next MC session is not until June 2nd or something like that.
Well we had another good evening. I try to give him one night a week to himself for a bit (I take one night as well), and tonight was his night so he stayed after work doing some personal stuff he wanted to take care of, then I took the kids to the store for a bit while he watched Lost. He was irritable and agitated (and told me so nicely) at the end of the evening. He said he didn't know why, but I just listened. He talked a little bit about some upcoming business trips. His boss wanted to stay gone in between two trips to save airfare, but he said he really didn't want to because that would mean being gone for two full weeks. He was debating whether to put his foot down and demand the 3 days at home in the middle. He said he was stressed about money too. Went to work on the computer checking our online account. I had previously tried to get playful with him, wrapping his arms around me and pulling him down on top of me on the bed, while he was talking and he said he was not in that mindset right now. I said nicely, "ok." But when he was at the computer, I approached him and "convinced" him to follow me in the bedroom. We had sex and he said later, "Thanks for talking me into it." I said, "I didn't really say much," and we had a laugh about that.
Next thing he said was, "You never told me much about your individual counseling session the other day." I said, "You didn't tell me anything about yours!" He said, "Yes, I did, I told you how I said I was unsure if someone her age and experience could help us." (She's 24, never in a long-term R. She is working on her Master's, so she tape records our sessions and confers with several different professors about us.) I said, "I think it was just me giving more background, concerns of mine, viewpoints. She said that she got little bits from both of us that she thought she could use to help us." He said, "She asked why things were better in '96 when we moved and I said we were in a different place and it was like a new start for us." I said, "Yeah, plus you went back to school and the study abroad in Peru connected us. I don't think you had perceived me as someone who would have enjoyed that experience and that connected us." He agreed.
I asked him what could I do to make him happy. He said, "I don't know, just be supportive."He said, "I told her things had been going a lot better the last month. I could tell you were trying and it's made a difference. But I'm still worried about the two main issues, first about the past and second, the way we fight. I told her I recognize that my issues with the past probably keep me from being 100% in the R. but I don't think that is the reason for the fighting." I said, "mmhm." Then we told each other we loved each other. We small talked and watched a bit more tv.
The homework assignment she gave me was to continue to "Fill his cup." Speak to him in his LL/whatever. I just got the book from the library, but I am pretty sure he is a physical and maybe somewhat verbal kinda guy. I am sure I would be verbal. I wonder what his "homework assignment" was. I can feel him doing things like popping up to go to the baby when he cries, with a cheerful, "It's ok, I'll do it." I try to tell him it's nice of him and I appreciate it." It seems out of character, but it's really nice. And of course, showing him physically that I love to be with him and I find him attractive. He has been talking about how he feels he's gained a few pounds. I don't know exactly how to handle that except just to tell him I love his body and don't really notice anything different.
I left him a big huge pink heart on his MySpace page that said "I love you so much."
Ok, didn't have time to read last night. I was up until midnight getting stuff done around the house. Tell me about the emails. I know about the 1992 thing.
It really sounds like you guys are doing a lot better. I think communication is so important and the key to almost everything. I'm glad he started that convo last night about your C sessions.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Oh my goodness, I couldn't even begin to start. I consider it an emotional affair. You can be the judge. I guess it was maybe the beginning of one at the very least.
I sent him an email just now trying to be playfully explicit. He replied back "YES!" So positive things going on there.
One thing I forgot to mention, he called from work yesterday for no apparent reason and said that he was "missing us." Kind of unusual.
I am thinking of a way to ceremoniously show him my forgiveness for the emails. Tear them up at our June 4th appt? I don't know what words I can say to best express to him that I am not a doormat, but I forgive him (the unspoken thing being that I would love for him to do the same for me.)
I worry about how I would react if/when things got rocky again. If my jealousy flared up over a situation, how would I be able to not revert back to anger and self-righteousness over his emails with her.
Just trying to formulate a plan for keeping progress moving forward...
Quote:"I am thinking of a way to ceremoniously show him my forgiveness for the emails. Tear them up at our June 4th appt? I don't know what words I can say to best express to him that I am not a doormat, but I forgive him (the unspoken thing being that I would love for him to do the same for me.)"
Until you are absolutely sure of the direction your marriage is going to take, I would wait (years) on the destruction of evidence that might one day help you in securing support for your children.
I realize that sounds cold and callous, but it is a bit early (in my opinion) to be getting rid of evidence.
Forgive him any time you like. That is a good thing if you can handle it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
No, I had thought of it. There was a part of me that thought, well technically a copy could exist somewhere, and yet I could still somehow show him that I no longer desire to "hang it over his head." I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but the day after, I forwarded the emails to several of our close friends and family, including his mother. I know that may have seemed REALLY spiteful, but I truly KNEW that noone would have believed it or "got it" if they had not read what was said first hand. He was in "you're making too big a deal out of this" mode at the time.
There is a part of me that is pissed off at how he has practically wiped it off the table, so to speak, yet MY hurts against him are still so at the forefront. However, I truly feel that if I look at the email situation ALONE and don't compare the two issues (as he hates me to do), then I feel like he has honestly cut all communication and put the focus back on us where it should be. I admit that I want to keep things moving forward, while showing him what forgiveness looks like.
zuzu wrote:"I know that may have seemed REALLY spiteful, but I truly KNEW that noone would have believed it or "got it" if they had not read what was said first hand. He was in "you're making too big a deal out of this" mode at the time."
Actually, that is called exposure, and I completely agree with what you did, and I don't think you should feel bad about it. Affairs love secrecy. Blowing the fog of deception away often ends affairs on the spot. It also allows others to realize that you may not be the crazy person your spouse may have made you out to be.
Quote:"There is a part of me that is pissed off at how he has practically wiped it off the table, so to speak, yet MY hurts against him are still so at the forefront. However, I truly feel that if I look at the email situation ALONE and don't compare the two issues (as he hates me to do), then I feel like he has honestly cut all communication and put the focus back on us where it should be. I admit that I want to keep things moving forward, while showing him what forgiveness looks like. "
I can truly understand your hurt and confusion. Guys tend to compartmentalize. As I believe I posted to your earlier, he obviously sees the events as completely separate. It is likely that he has a different sense of "fair" than you. This is not at all uncommon.
As long as the differences don't result in unhealthy entitlements, then you might be well served just to take it at face value if you have that capacity (and women seem too much more than men).
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Well, my H has been acting as if nothing ever happened too. I have decided I need to deal w/ the issues I have w/ his EA and just trust him again. He said it's over and seems more & more close & loving each time I talk to him so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes that's hard and I still get angry too.
MPO is that I would let the email thing go. If things are going forward w/ you guys, I don't think it will do anything for HIM if you rip them up in front of him or anything along those lines. It may even just make him mad for you bringing it up again.
I'm not saying not to deal w/ the issue in C, but I wouldn't be so dramatic about it.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am now leaning towards simply being deliberate in my actions that my #1 goal is for both of us to fulfill each other in our marriage and maintain our family the best way we can. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!
If things stay on this upswing, I'll move to another forum, however, I feel sort of at home here for right now; hope you all don't mind. 
