Well, I've been on here for a little over a month now and am really appreciating the support. It is nice to come here and journal and get some advice from like-minded indivuduals (those interested in saving their marriages.)
I am really happy to say that right at the moment things are going very well. I hesitate to say that however, because I feel like it's surely only temporary. Kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I so appreciate my H trying however. I think both of us have managed to come out of our "entitlement ruts" a bit. Phew! Thank goodness. Cycles of positive activity are SO much easier than those vicious cycles of negativity!!
Well we had another good evening. I try to give him one night a week to himself for a bit (I take one night as well), and tonight was his night so he stayed after work doing some personal stuff he wanted to take care of, then I took the kids to the store for a bit while he watched Lost. He was irritable and agitated (and told me so nicely) at the end of the evening. He said he didn't know why, but I just listened. He talked a little bit about some upcoming business trips. His boss wanted to stay gone in between two trips to save airfare, but he said he really didn't want to because that would mean being gone for two full weeks. He was debating whether to put his foot down and demand the 3 days at home in the middle. He said he was stressed about money too. Went to work on the computer checking our online account. I had previously tried to get playful with him, wrapping his arms around me and pulling him down on top of me on the bed, while he was talking and he said he was not in that mindset right now. I said nicely, "ok." But when he was at the computer, I approached him and "convinced" him to follow me in the bedroom. We had sex and he said later, "Thanks for talking me into it." I said, "I didn't really say much," and we had a laugh about that.
Next thing he said was, "You never told me much about your individual counseling session the other day." I said, "You didn't tell me anything about yours!" He said, "Yes, I did, I told you how I said I was unsure if someone her age and experience could help us." (She's 24, never in a long-term R. She is working on her Master's, so she tape records our sessions and confers with several different professors about us.) I said, "I think it was just me giving more background, concerns of mine, viewpoints. She said that she got little bits from both of us that she thought she could use to help us." He said, "She asked why things were better in '96 when we moved and I said we were in a different place and it was like a new start for us." I said, "Yeah, plus you went back to school and the study abroad in Peru connected us. I don't think you had perceived me as someone who would have enjoyed that experience and that connected us." He agreed.
I asked him what could I do to make him happy. He said, "I don't know, just be supportive."He said, "I told her things had been going a lot better the last month. I could tell you were trying and it's made a difference. But I'm still worried about the two main issues, first about the past and second, the way we fight. I told her I recognize that my issues with the past probably keep me from being 100% in the R. but I don't think that is the reason for the fighting." I said, "mmhm." Then we told each other we loved each other. We small talked and watched a bit more tv.
The homework assignment she gave me was to continue to "Fill his cup." Speak to him in his LL/whatever. I just got the book from the library, but I am pretty sure he is a physical and maybe somewhat verbal kinda guy. I am sure I would be verbal. I wonder what his "homework assignment" was. I can feel him doing things like popping up to go to the baby when he cries, with a cheerful, "It's ok, I'll do it." I try to tell him it's nice of him and I appreciate it." It seems out of character, but it's really nice. And of course, showing him physically that I love to be with him and I find him attractive. He has been talking about how he feels he's gained a few pounds. I don't know exactly how to handle that except just to tell him I love his body and don't really notice anything different.
I left him a big huge pink heart on his MySpace page that said "I love you so much."
Well, I'm a little disheartened today, because last night we had some pretty impatient moments and really snapped at each other. Unfortunately, it "felt like old times" and not in a good way. I may journal the details later, but may be better just doing other stuff today.
We came out of it. Watched a funny movie together. Before falling asleep, he said, "I love you," and put a hand on me. I said IL him too and appreciated him reaching out to me. Quick interactions this morning, then I called him when he was at work. Just tried to sound cheerful and said I was thinking about him and looking forward to a nice weekend together. He said he was busy so I wrapped it up. (He didn't waste time talking about how badly he needed to go, like he used to, which I know was intentional.) We said goodbye, ILY.
I was just hurt by how QUICKLY a few snippy comments got all those entitled feelings rushing out of us and how we lashed out. Yuk. Want to try and make that better in the future. At least we came out of it.
Sat. morning here and things have been going well. A few tense words here and there, but we are handling ourselves better. Recognizing our mistakes as we go a lot better than we used to. Just being *conscious* in our actions towards one another seems to help immensely.
He has said something twice in the last two days about wanting me to talk dirty to him. This is hard for me; wish it wasn't. We were hugging when he said it just now, and I *started* to try to, but he interrupted me and said, "No, like 'I wanna XXX.'" He was being playful, but I was serious and it hurt my feelings. I said, "I wsa trying and you told me I wasn't doing it right." He saw what he did, and just kind of dropped it.
Now he ran to the mall with D. I am here with baby son, who I just put down for a nap. Gonna try and do a little scrapbooking. Hope you're having a relaxing weekend, everybody!
hey there, keep up on your reading. Remember to always use "I" sentences and to always give him the benefit of the doubt, to mind your voice and ask yourself "if he were to talk to me the way I'm going to talk to him how would I feel?"
If you see a bad pattern emerging, quelch it quick. Sometimes in our effords to have "the last word" we screw up the good process we've achieved. Acknowledge your shortcomings graciously, let him know you want to work w/him and reach an agreement together, hear him out.
Hang in there, it takes a while
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
