Hi everybody. I'm new. Here's a little info...I have a "novel" with all the boring details posted on the Newcomers Open Forums--would love all the help that I can get!
Me-39 H-41 D's-10,13 & 16 Together-21 years Married-almost 18 H's MLC-April 2006 Bomb #1-June 12, 2006 (Lasted a few days, and he apologized, everything was great...) Bomb #2-July 9, 2006 He moved out-October 2006 Bomb #3 (after 3 weeks of "talking," asking if we could work on things, TRY to make things better...May 21, 2007
Basically, after a year of no marriage, an 8 month separation, him seeing someone for half of that separation, H informs me that he wants to work on things and eventually come back home--bawls his eyes out two days in a row...but still has to work on things in his head (like getting past the ow--not picturing her if he eventually kisses/makes love to me, not talking to her anymore, etc.) So, we had a few very "cordial" weeks....he came over more, we talked more, he went from talking to her 10-20 times/day, down to 1 or 2, and now nothing, we talked about a number of things that we'd LIKE to do IF he ever came back, etc. He wouldn't kiss me yet, and I didn't want him to until he was ready...just hugs on his way out the door...some tight, some like he was thinking he was going to "catch" something. He's depressed...another issue, one he refuses to get help for, but one which from experience, I know could get better if he'd quit being so darn negative and making himself miserable, and just make an effort to be happy AND go on anti-depressants. So, I sat here thinking for the past two weeks (after being completely over him ever coming back, mind you!) that I had a chance, and for the sake of our 21 year relationship and three children, I'd take it since it was the first time he'd ever given me a chance to repair our marriage with him. Yesterday he was in one of his "moods," and BAM! We're back to where we were three weeks ago...(and partially last summer...anger and yelling again!)He built me up and once again stabbed me in the heart, taking the kids along with me having been spending so much time with them the past few weeks! He went from bawling he wants to come home to "I shouldn't have said anything until I was sure." DUH! He's up, he's down, we went from him lying non-stop and screaming and swearing at me all last summer (something completely out of character for him!) to "laying it on the line" this past January, and have been getting along fine since. Now, I feel like I'm right back in the fetal position he put me in last June! I would do anything to put my marriage back together, but he keeps claiming that despite his spending more time here and hugging me these past whole couple of weeks, he still feels nothing! HELLO! Of course he's not going to feel anything making no more effort than hugging me at the door when he leaves! I am so stinkin' frustrated. I was doing just fine, then he gives me hope, and then destroys me and his children once again, as if a little apology is going to help. What can I do? Now he got my hopes up and there's no way I'm going to walk away that easy after 21 years together!
Isn't this what they say happens in Stages 4,5 and 6 of MLC. According the the post here. At least there are some signs of him trying. I am just going by what I have read about this stuff. It is also said that the depression sets in on their way back up and they need to deal with that.
Dang, I wish we could force them to go to councilor (from the begining). I know we can not I just wish. Then maybe they could figure out their issues and finish sooner(lol).
Good luck and keep up the strength.
Mimi
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
Thank you for all of your input. Well, since I first posted, we've had "up" days and "down days" but last night was by far the lowest I have ever seen him and it scared me. I invited him over with hopes of trying to talk to him about getting on anti-depressants, he ate dinner and passed out on the couch for 3 hours and I lost my chance--I couldn't even wake him up he was so exhausted (a sign of depression I keep trying to get him to see!) Anyway, he came over again today after work, and was in a little better mood, we talked, and I think he finally realizes that he cannot keep living like this and needs to get help--his cousin told him the same thing today, which I'm sure made a big difference--hearing it from someone not directly involved with either of us. As of right now, he has agreed to not make any "rash" decisions overnight. All I have to do now is get him to dial the phone to make the appointment...but I know he has to do it when HE wants to.
Goodness...your H treats you like a doormat...rubs his dirt in your face then tidies you up again. You deserve much, much better than that...and I think you know it.
Are you sure he's not in dire need of some serious therapy and maybe some medication to go with it?
Perhaps he should look into getting himself to a doctor...and pronto. It may just be more than mood swings you're dealing with here. Just think about it...ok?
