Indeed. And, advice that works when two people are invested in the M, as is the case with most people in SSMs that post here, is BAD advice for you right now.
Sure, write her emails, letters, poetry, whatever. Just make sure you burn 'em instead of sending them. She knows *exactly* how you feel without you needing to keep telling her.
See, that's just it, AC -- I don't think she does.
OK, let me rephrase that. She knows *exactly* what kind of effect her behavior will have/is having on you. She knows *exactly* what kind of effect an affair has on anyone. She's not stupid, right?
And as a result of the 12 months of reading I've done on this subject, I'm guessing that it's tearing her up, too - to the point where she hasn't a damnned clue what to do about the situation herself.
She damnned well *knows* you two need to talk, communicate, whatever. Again, she's not stupid, right? She's simply putting it off in the best way she can because she hasn't - or can't - figure(d) out what to do.
So start over now. After that email, she knows what you want. This is the last time I'll say this - she's not stupid, right?
Now leave it at that. Get on with some of your own stuff. Monitor the situation, but DON'T obsess. Take care of your kiddos and yourself. Be you. Be the NEW you. Let her make her own choices based on what she sees.
The altertnative is to wade in, confront her, make ultimatums, demand talks. Try it. I did. Didn't get me anywhere.
Why? Because it doesn't matter how many talks, emails, letters, whatever, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the base knowledge for most of this "don't be needy/touchy/grabby" advice come from a SSM standpoint?
I agree with you -- this is not a way to get me laid.
What I DON'T agree with, is that this isn't the best way to go, in my situation, which -- as you've all rightly pointed out -- isn't really a "SSM" situation anyway.
I'm really done debating. I chose to continue posting here over the past few years because, even though my situation wasn't truly "SSM" anymore, I liked this group, and the diversity of it, and how smart everyone was here. It's not the typical message board.
And I appreciate everyone's obviously sincere efforts to help, I really do.
But I gotta be me, and I gotta fight for this thing my own way. I wasn't seeking approval -- posting my sitch is therapeutic for me, and frankly the sheer amount of WORK that lies ahead of me will require as much (and I pray not more) as I can handle. I have neither the energy for, nor do I care to engage in, debates.
I'm going to take a break for awhile, and focus on me and my family. I may be back in a few days, or a few weeks, or I may not be back. If you're so inclined, please pray for my family, that I will have the strength to do what I need to do for them.
Those of us who have had the experience are simply trying to save you from yourself. nothing more. We all did the things you are doing, too, cause we thought our situations, too, didn't fit the mold. Unfortunately, we were wrong.
Just a couple opinions before your go. I think you should go to MC sessions ASAP. If your W balks, you go by yourself. Tell the MC everything and let him/her set up a plan of action for you. Don't be afraid to challenge the MC on things you disagree with, but take any advice he/she gives you seriously. Even though every situation is unique, there are patterns among troubled R's, and strategies that have the best pct. chance of working.
Two, sometime in the next month or so, decide on something you REALLY REALLY have wanted to do, and would be feasible for you to do it, then make plans and do it. Do something that is going to make you happy, ecstatic if possible. Even though your marriage is stinking right now, there are really cool things out there in life. Distract yourself. Remind yourself that life can be wonderful, even amidst a crisis. You deserve it my man.
All the best back at you
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Since Corri thinks I should have my own GD POV, I will take a contrary position to what everyone here is telling you. Your email may have been a little too much, because it has some resentment in it and it has a demanding tone to it, but you are ticked off and I see no reason to hide that from her. You are being honest. She is as responsible for this mess and you and her action create consequences too. Your anger is one of those consequences.
I think the advice given so far is wrong because it is geared toward a woman who is does not have issues with engulfment. IMO, your wife gets overwhelmed by intimacy, so she runs. What she really wants is to be chased. Your distancing over the years is what drove her away. I don’t understand why everyone is advising more distance.
Her discomfort arises with your pushing, your chasing, so that is exactly what you should do because her defense are to protect what she really wants. In this way it is counter-intuitive. This is a FOO issue for her, she has built defenses because of that, those defenses are what keep you out. That said, TOO much pushing can be harmful. There needs to be a balance. So understanding what makes her tick, understanding her FOO, is highly important. Getting a good grasp on that is not easy since you are chasing shadows. It may feel to you and others that I try to ram this through, but with some people like your W, is there another way? But I could be wrong, its just my GD POV.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the base knowledge for most of this "don't be needy/touchy/grabby" advice come from a SSM standpoint?"
Oh, I see why you might be confused. That advice is *part of* the message of DB and DR. SSM is a spin-off of DB/DR to work on a specific localized problem in the M. DB and DR address what to do in Ms that are falling apart more generally.
So, with just SSM you only have part of the M puzzle.
Since Corri thinks I should have my own GD POV, I will take a contrary position...
Since **I** think it... does that mean it certainly must be so? Wow. That's quite a lot of power you are giving away... thanks. And it isn't even my birthday or anything.
I have no idea what this means. How does one get "out of" oneself? It is my GS POV. It comes from me, so how do you propose I get out of myself? Unless you propose I shift to another POV, but that will also be mine and within me. So what the H are you talking about?
You can't hold your wife at gun point and force her back into the marriage. She will only only intensify her stance and dare you to pull the trigger.
You pushed her away.
You screwed up, everybody in your position does. Big deal.
So, are you going to get up, dust yourself off and get back into the game, or are you going to take your ball and go home?
It is, of course, your choice. You do need to consider your responsibilities to your kids while you are pondering your next move.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
