She and I agreed going into this -- and the last time, too -- that e-mail would work best for us, since we both get so defensive when we talk.
"Placating" . . "Supplicating" . . . so if I try to enforce a boundary already established and agreed upon (that we are going to WORK at this), it's "supplicating," and if I'm not an AZZ about it, I'm "placating."
Geesh.
What you are telling me, in essence, is that as we fight to save our marriage, I'm not allowed to ask, for anything.
I'm sorry, I just flat out disagree. I asked her for a couple of very specific things:
1) To continue to talk with me, even if it's not R talks; and
2) To please point me toward the signs that show this is even IMPORTANT to her, or that she's making any EFFORT here.
If those are unreasonable requests, or are "supplicating," then I'm just more lost than I already thought I was.
Sure, write her emails, letters, poetry, whatever. Just make sure you burn 'em instead of sending them. She knows *exactly* how you feel without you needing to keep telling her.
See, that's just it, AC -- I don't think she does. Remember, I have kept my feelings bottled up inside of me for all but one month of the last 5 years!!! I think she thinks I want her to say "Choc, I still love you, and I'm sorry, and let's work together and we can make it!", and I want to tell her that that's NOT what I'm looking for this time. I want to tell her that I've matured, that my expectations are realistic, and that I only want to see some EFFORT from her.
Why is that so go#$amn#ed unreasonable???
And then 2), I needed to speak my mind and warn her that she's romanticizing divorce and separation.
Remember, there were only TWO "non-negotiable" boundaries that I laid out -- and she agreed to -- in our lunch last week:
1) Do MCing; and
2) Be honest with each other.
She has balked at #1, and is lying about #2. What kind of man will she think I am if I -- AGAIN -- don't push back at her when she blows off my boundaries???
Guys, you need to look at my sitch in context. THEY ARE NOT ALL THE SAME, and this isn't a textbook. Each couple comes into these things with their own baggage, their own past history, and their own areas of dysfunction. Mrs. Choc's and my history is one of lack of communication, conflict avoidance, and lack of follow-thru once we do confront.
These, are what I'm trying to fight against, however inelegantly.
Been keeping up with your thread, and I think you should consider the fact that you now have a WAW who is simply living in your home. The rules have changed now. This is no longer a SSM, which is a completely different animal. I suggest you read up on the WAW issue....Blackfoot has it right. trust me, been there, done that.
Choc, you have to be yourself. If this felt right to you, then bravo for doing it in the face of all the "experts'" advice to the contrary. At the end of the day, you have to feel good and solid about your own behavior. I like your fierce defense of your actions. You've got to believe in what you're doing-- you're There; we're way over here. No matter what you do, however, we're behind you and wishing you what's best for you in the long run (whatever that turns out to be).
You are in an incredibly self-destructive mode right now.
You are the sniveling co-worker at the water cooler saying "Look, I'm going to quit baking you brownies, quit surprising you with wacky gifts that I pick up when I'm thinking about you shopping, quit trying to be nice to you, quit sharing my day with you, quit taking a break from what I'm doing to spend time with you at the water cooler, UNLESS you make some effort to be my friend. You have to at least tell me you will TRY to be my friend, or forget it, the brownies and everything else. Oh, and being civil to me and saying good morning is NOT going to cut it. Instead, you need to go out for milk if I bother to surprise you with brownies. You need to buy ME my favorite candybar when you are at the store. Otherwise, again, FORGET IT. I will NOT be your friend anymore."
Exactly how much closer is that rant by the water cooler creep going to bring you to friendship?
Does that clear up the problems in the email to W for you?
You WANT your sitch to be different than everyone elses. IT ISN'T. You are sabotaging your M, you are sabotaging yourself. You aren't fighting for your M, you are trying to be "right" and "make a point." You want everything on your terms and YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT. The more you push for it, the less likely reconcilliation will be.
Your W was trying to figure out what she wanted. She was working on accepting MC and preparing herself to go. SHE WAS giving you something, it was just not what she wanted.
Forget Piecing, go post in Newcomers or Infidelity.
If you read DR and decide to try to DB, I'll be around.
But right now, I probably won't have much more to say. No reason to shout at the guy banging his head against the wall to get him to stop, he can't hear you anyway.
I think there is a section regarding the WAW on the boards...just back button some away from the SSM section. Also, I think DR addresses this issue alot.
I just urge you to read up in those areas. You need to take care of you, and the rest will follow. Avoid pursuit like the plague. It never works. It just drives the WAW further away. They want to be pursued, just not by you, not right now.
Try some other areas of the BB.....this can be your safe haven as the folks here know you, but the SSM isn't really your issue now.
