Sol, if you are going to file then I would suggest you sit down with W and tell her, don't do things behind her back! Tell her what your plans are and what you need to change those plans. Give her time to digest it. Then do it! Don't use filing as a weapon, if you are leaving then do your best to set up the best leaving it can be. Definately, get legal and financial advice so that you know what is what. Remember, you and W will always be parents and that is more important than the pain you feel at any given time. I don't believe you can DB in this sitch, Sol. You can't put away the OM nor your agenda for making change. It may be better to be apart and re-build from there. You must work from a position of strength and you feel too emotionally beat up where you are now. I wish you well in whatever you choose.
I am too emotionally beat up, but you make very good point in working on this from a position of strength.....which to me would be from a distance.....
It takes a lot out of me to do things from a vengeful perspective, but I also agree that I should talk to her about filing for separation.....on calm terms....without the drama....
I am too tired to fight (yell, etc..) but will simply talk to her. I have told her about the legal implications of this whole sham and she just takes it in one ear and out the other.....she doesn't listen, and from learning about the petition getting approved, she is even more determined to follow through.
Well, I am going to follow through myself.
Last edited by sol1696; 06/05/0702:40 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
What your W, her sister and the guy who marries her do is not your business and is incidental. But you are making it your business. Why? All because the guy may or may not be your wifes OM.
Let me ask this…..If your sister in law was marrying any other man out there, and your wife was helping her, would it still be affecting you this same way? Or is it because the “man” is the OM????
You can scroll through the pages here and find so many other wives/husbands spending tons of money on their affair and neglecting family expenses. You can read about husbands taking mistresses on expensive vacations, buying jewelry, etc, etc while the babies are at home without diapers. If you’re concerned about finances and your wife’s spending, there are ways to protect yourself - do it if it’s that much of a concern to you. It can be done hand-in-hand with your db practices.
I’m not condoning illegal immigration practices or affairs, but, you need to step back from this.
If your wife is playing you like a violin, then it only takes one change on your part to stop it from happening. And you know what? Any change from the norm may piss your wife off. She may get nastier. She may do things that seem crazier and crazier. She’s used to you giving in and when you finally stop doing that, she’s going to be confused. WHY? Because it’s going to force her to change. She’s playing you because she can. Think about a spoiled child and all the different ways they play their parents to get what they want. Sometimes a temper tantrum; sometimes crying, sometimes being sweet. You don’t have to give in to her behavior. Perhaps you cave because you’re afraid of change yourself. Who knows. Are you scared you’re going to lose her if you do things different? Think about that for a minute. Divorce busting asks us to sometimes go against our usual routine; to do things different even whne the different scares the heck out of us. Even when it seems like what we’re about to do is going to push our spouse away. So then we stop the divorce busting practices. We give in. Because we’re scared.
If you’re finding yourself unable to detach from all this craziness, take a breather. Get yourself together whatever way you can. Go dark (it can be done while living in the same house). Or move out. Get all your legal ducks in a row. You don’t have to file for separation or divorce if you’re not comfortable doing that right now. And think about the reasons why you are considering it anyway. Is it a scare tactic? Then you might find yourself divorced, even if that wasn’t your intent. Don’t make idle threats that are only being said to manipulate your wife.
It just seems that you are overly concerned with anything and everything your wife is doing and not understanding that you don’t control her. You cannot make her do anything she does not want to do. Start focusing on yourself for awhile.
I really do want to clarify my thoughts and sort of expand on what whatis has said. If you do choose to separate or file for D or take a sabbatical to Europe to escape the drama, do it from a position of strength and from recongizing what it is that YOU want. Do not do it in an effort to control or manipulate the situation. I want to clarify this because in the past, I've seen many of your posts where you seem to indicate that (e.g., she won't go to marriage counseling, so now I'm gonna divorce her). You cannot control the sitch as evidenced by the fact that its getting out of control. Step back and rise above the every day drama.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Keep your enemies close. At the moment your W is your enemy. What you do in regards to this current sitch could turn even more "pear shaped" than what you are experiencing.
It sounds like she is feeding off you in regards to her craziness. Like WorkHard said in his post, you must detach emotionally from what she is doing (I know, easier said than done). Try to stay under her radar if you can and take care of yourself. Man, you sound soooo exhausted, I really do feel for you.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
"If you’re finding yourself unable to detach from all this craziness, take a breather. Get yourself together whatever way you can. Go dark (it can be done while living in the same house). Or move out. Get all your legal ducks in a row. You don’t have to file for separation or divorce if you’re not comfortable doing that right now. And think about the reasons why you are considering it anyway. Is it a scare tactic? Then you might find yourself divorced, even if that wasn’t your intent. Don’t make idle threats that are only being said to manipulate your wife.
It just seems that you are overly concerned with anything and everything your wife is doing and not understanding that you don’t control her. You cannot make her do anything she does not want to do. Start focusing on yourself for awhile.
I just need to know the implications of this whole mess with SIL....
I am concerned about reporting her to immigration...but not before consulting with a lawyer again....this time about this immigration business...
The fact remains that I cannot sit idly by while I watch my W (doing her own thing, I know, and I can't control her....) bring SIL here, she marries OM, they do the interviews....and they discover it was a sham.
Where does that leave me? Will I be implicated also? And will they take my daughter from me?
All I think about now are the LEGAL implications......
I would rather divorce than be in jail because I didn't do anything.
There is a LANGUAGE barrier between the OM and SIL......that is enough for immigration to raise suspicion....and I have read the new laws set forth by Homeland Security.
I was in the navy for 6 years......and I know Homeland Security means business now. The consequences of the new laws are very, very severe....
This is not about DBing anymore....or saving my M.....I hope I can get that across here......
More than likely I will end up D, for the better. And I will still be around for my daughter to grow up...
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
