Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

Well, I'm back from Vegas. I've had not very much sleep in the last two days. Don't have much time to post, but I wanted to say that I slept in my bed last night. H did not do any of the semi-abusive stuff to get me out, but he asked me 'are you sure you want to do this?' and he said he'd never sleep in the bed again. Then today he told me he's done, he still doesn't want a divorce but he wants to go back to riding in separate vehicles, etc.

He told me that sleeping in the bed was a sign of my commitment, that he wanted to see commitment from me before he would accept me back in the bed. I said likewise. I realize that I've been all over the board with staying vs leaving, but there are other elements of commitment as well and he hasn't scored very high on any of those himself. I told him it wasn't fair to berate me for lack of commitment when he wasn't committed either. Lying to me, doing things behind my back, taking things off the table for discussion are just a few of the very recent examples that he lacks commitment just as much as I do.
I took his hands, asked him to just stop all of this. Put his ring back on, come to bed and let's be married. But he wouldn't. I left a note on his pillow that said I love you. Then this morning he told me that he was done, the bed thing was pretty much it. He said the difference between him and I is that I think we're done every other week and this is the first time he's really felt that way.

I know it hasn't been easy on him that I've contemplated leaving for so long. I've tried to tell him that I've never ever wanted to leave HIM, it's always been about trying to escape the way he's treated me or the way our R was. I've given my temptation to run some deep thought and I've come to the conclusion that if I felt more heard in our R, more able to influence the direction of things, my desire to run would not be so prevalent. In the past, I've tried to tell him my feelings and I was always told I was crazy, stupid, etc. Things got laughed away or ignored....the porn is a great example. My feelings don't seem to matter so contemplating leaving is the one thing that makes me feel in control. It isn't all about leaving him, it's about feeling like I have some control over my life too. The parts that were about leaving him were more about self respect than wanting to get away from him...I've always, always loved him but just didn't feel like I had any dignity left. He has been asking me lately, whatever happened to me just wanting to get back in the house after I cheated, I told him we could sleep in separate rooms, etc. I did say that.....I guess I just thought we'd be able to fix it. I never meant to give the impression that I would happy sleeping in separate bedrooms forever....it's hard for me to even believe that he honestly thought I was proposing that.

He never responded to my email I sent while I was gone, I felt like I reached out to him, tried to show my vulnerability when I told him he broke my heart. But he never even responded. It's always about me, what I've done wrong, etc. He still hasn't really stepped up to the plate for his responsibility...he says he has no idea why I've filed for D in the past he thinks he's consistently been 'there' and he hasn't changed so he has no idea why I've been up and down.

Things don't look good. I'm exhausted.

[Greeneyedlass]

Heather,

I'm sorry to hear that he's said this, I know you are trying. This comment of his seems so contradictory though "He told me that sleeping in the bed was a sign of my commitment, that he wanted to see commitment from me before he would accept me back in the bed."

What type of commitment did he expect? Did he ever communicate to you WHAT he needed to see from you? I know so many betrayed spouses say they need to see remorse, but even they don't know EXACTLY what that remorse needs to looks like, so that makes it tough for the wandering spouse to show them the remorse they need.

However Heather, if he...after this much time has passed, cannot commit to doing what it takes to save your marriage with you...then there's a good chance he won't get past things at all. He's using the "bed issue" as an excuse IMPO.

[heatherg]

He's angry that I said we were over after I found out he lied about the porn and then refused to discuss it. It just came flying out of my mouth, I was very hurt and upset. He says every time something doesn't go my way, I threaten to leave. That is the commitment he is talking about.

Now, I'm in an extremely difficult position because he's already stated he wants separate vehicles, etc. But I've told him I would stay and that it was a mistake to announce that we were over and I guess the only way to get any of my credibility back is to bear it, whatever he hands out, however unfair it may seem.

[Greeneyedlass]

I understand he's using that comment, and yeah...you do need to get that under control....but it does appear to me he's using your moving back into the bedroom as a "straw that broke the camels back." Just my impression though.

[heatherg]

Yes, he is using the bed as the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm not really sure why, but I've known all along it wouldn't be good if I pushed my way back. I guess now I get to find out just how 'not good' it's going to be.

[heatherg]

It's clear to me that I need to get out of victim mode. I need a pep talk.

[heatherg]

I'm having all these random thoughts....doesn't it make complete sense that he feels like we're over? For the first time since I cheated, aside from threatening to leave, I've pushed back. Now he's looking to control some other way, through not allowing me in his truck. He has to control the same way I do, but we do it in different ways. I want to run, to get away. He is content within the confines of our house and our routine so he looks for other ways to control.

Nops, what do I do with the rest of this year? Do I just pretend that I don't care if he wants to take separate vehicles? Do I refuse? Does the year even matter anymore? It was supposed to be for BOTH of us to try and to commit, not just me.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Heather.

Quote:
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Nops, what do I do with the rest of this year? Do I just pretend that I don't care if he wants to take separate vehicles? Do I refuse? Does the year even matter anymore? It was supposed to be for BOTH of us to try and to commit, not just me.
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When you started this process, it was obvious that your husband has some serious control issues. They are likely based in insecurity and a lack of self esteem, and they seem to be serious, possibly abusive.

I steered you toward addressing the point that he seemed to be "stuck" on the most, your "affair". That was in an effort to get his attention and to let him know that you understood his pain.

Obviously, he chose your change in attitude to test you by extending his control, rather than embrace an opportunity to begin to recover the relationship.

So, what do you do from here.

I suggest that you start with some professional individual counseling. That is intended to help you with your boundary setting.

I suggest that you stop all threats and take actions instead. Stop pretending that his actions are acceptable. They are not. It is time that you turned off your giver, and turn on your taker.

Even if you live in a fifty/fifty state, then it would still behoove you to at least retain legal counsel so that you know your options and rights, for your children's sakes.

Since he has repeatedly shown himself to be inflexible, then I think that you should expect retribution from him (as he is already demonstrating). With his track record (as told to us here), I would make sure that your children are not used as pawns.

My suggestion to you, is to stand up for yourself, and make firm boundaries with your husband. That means you are going to have to turn loose of your hope for reconciliation for the time being.

Your first boundary should include him getting counseling for his control issues.

Don't blame yourself for this turn of events. You were being baited.

Tell me what you think, and lets talk about this and see what kind of solid plan we can help you with.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[sat567]

And, for gosh sakes, DON'T give up the bed. It's your Everest. Keep your flag up there.

By the way, my Everest was breaking the silence with my wife about my complete dissatisfaction with the sex issue. Once I conquered it, my work wasn't done. I had to conquer it again a couple weeks later. Then a couple more weeks after that. If it got easier, it was by nearly immeasurable increments. I'm telling you this because every fiber of your being will tell you tonight not to bother fighting the battle of the bed. Ignore the impulse and go for the Posturepedic. It's about your PERSONAL INTEGRITY, not just your back. If he turns on the lights, be prepared with an eyeshade. If he cranks the music: earplugs. Ambien helps, too.

I'm sorry, but I'm getting tired of this farker. If you were counseling your best friend who this was happening to, wouldn't you tell her something like, "stand up for yourself, girlfriend! Nobody treats my friends this way and gets away with it."

Courage.

Hairdog

[heatherg]

Don't blame yourself for this turn of events. You were being baited.

This is a tough one. He has really turned up the heat on my lack of commitment, going so far as to say that I lie to him all the time because I have been so unsure about whether or not to stay in this M. I know that it is a deflection because he lied to me and he is trying to steer away from that by blaming me. But because there is some truth to it, I DO blame myself.

I am starting to feel as though I'm being prodded, as though he could see the positive changes I was making and he's testing me. Testing me for what end, I am not sure.

I cannot live in the same house with someone who is mean to me, I know this about myself. I'm not saying that for sympathy, I'm saying it because it is true. I'm a wimp. I want my H to love me, not hate me. Every confrontational bone in my body is being broken.

Hairdog, you've got me tagged. I'm getting rather predictable aren't I? I already gave up the bed. He called me this afternoon and wanted half of our tax return money so that he could buy things for his new room. Mind you, we are talking about approx $3-4k. I've been displaced for three fing years and I haven't bought anything for my room except a door for the room at which point he accused me of stealing from him because I used the HELOC to pay the guy to put it in.
He is holding me to the year, telling me that I gave my word and then also telling me that my word doesn't mean anything. I told him the year was supposed to be for us both to work on things, when does his responsiblity start? He said give him three months and then ask. He said when you commit, you don't get to base walking away on your perception of whether things are getting better or worse.
I can't live three months, let alone a year, in the state things would be in if I stayed in that bed. I cannot handle the way things would be, it's not worth it and I should have accepted that about myself before I tried to do it. He told me if I stay in the bed, he will never sleep in it again. We all know from the truck issue that he is telling the truth. So, where does it get me?
Nops, I feel like you are right. My hopes for reconciliation need to be tabled, but I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle all of this again so soon!!

Oh, and Hairdog, it's funny you should mention what I would say to my best friend if her H were doing this. I've been trying to view things in that way...I've been trying to journal to myself a little bit like that. And you're right, I'd have a few things to say about a man like that. But I can't take him on, it's not me. That's why I always want to leave him-I can't beat him so when I decide I can't play anymore, leaving is always the only thing I come down to.