is this MLC

[trekker]

Hi I have been following this board for awhile and think that my H is in MLC but I am not sure.I have been married for 27 years together with his man for 33 years. EA started Sept/05 PA Mar/06 I discovered PA Sept/06 H left for 1 day Jan /07 H still in contact with OW. H left 2 days Feb05/07 returned Mar20/07 stayed 1 week. returned Home Apr/10/07 left Apr/20/07.This time said in love with me, made terrible mistake and wants to save marriage.No talk of OW. Told me OW done, angry with him and insecure about me. R for 1st week great. Ow txt and phoned. H moves into spare bedroom, has tantrum, tells me I'm too controlling and manipulative. Verbatim to OW txt. Anger episodes with D19 uncontrolled flash anger.H moves into spare bedroom, find txt from OW telling him to do that. H says he will stay only be civil to me. Not true, flashes of anger. I detach and let go. Have conversation that validates H feelings and tell him to go be happy, no regrets no worries. H plans to stay until Sunday, 3 days from conversation. I ask children to support me in my bid to say goodbye to their Dad and allow him to travel his journey. Friday night H and S21 go to get movie. H cell phone vibrates with message. I look at message from OW. Says be careful of controlling and manipulating by family. After BBQ and movie H asks if he can slep with me. Nest 2 days wonderful. I see glimpses of old H. Ow calls Saturday am-- excuse that hsd vision something wrong H should come to her house today instead of Sunday. I say okay, help H pack. H leaves returns home Tuesday for telephone counseling session. Is very depressed and sad. Counselling is having H look at issues. H begins to spew blaming me for situation. " This didn't have to happen, if only you would have let me have a friend, I have been unhappy for the last 10 years, I just want to be happy, I have too many responsibilities, you and the kids are too much burden. When is it time for me?...etc" I lost it told him I find it ironic that he has been on a 18 month quest to find his happiness and bliss and yet her he is so depressed and sad. And now your asking me to take on the roll of your friend, essentially the other woman and she becomes your life partner.I don't want any part in that. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You have made your choice accept the consequences.
In a month I have had contact through e-mails, txt messages and phone calls, last Thursday was the last contact. He e-mailed to say that he had recieved the lawyers letter, but he would not be getting a Lawyer at this time. He knows I will be fair and we can just use my lawyer.
I thne find out that he has bought a 2006 Harley Davidson motorcycle. He came last Thursday to take my D out for lunch. Her comment was he is acting like he is 18 years old Mom.
I have retained lawyer to undergo legal separation and put the house on the market. I have registered back into school to finish my degree and am moving to the city.
I have not responded to his e-mail nor do I intend to. In the e-mail H was so impressed that OW would take him back 4 times and Annie isn't great how much she cares for me.
So am I correct and am I doing the right things? Sorry this is so long

Annie
I have let go, given in and gave over to God.

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[Rollercoasterider]

I don't get the lawyer part. Why? He doesn't seem to want it, so why are you doing the legal part?

As for the OW taking him back 4X, of course she would. OW's are desperate. What is wrong with her to accept back a married/unavailable man who has left her nultiple times for his real family? Her issues are likely worse than his.

And don't point out that the OW is the manipulator by trying to show him that it is you and the kids being manipulative...he probably saw it already, but it still takes time.

You've been together for 33 yrs, married 27 and have kids--one is D18. What are everyone else's ages, how many kids? Have you determined a trigger for an MLC--12-36 months before bomb--or in this case before the affair went physical or before you found out.

He has returned to you briefly multiple times. He is lost and confused--obviously. And he doesn't want to lose you. He cares more for you than the OW...he actually doesn't care for her at all, if he did he wouldn't have doen this to/with her.

And you seem strong enough to be a Stander...and it seems you don't want out. Go to school...that's great! As for selling the house, is it necessary? Why--is it to finance school. KEeping my house was a major goal through this for me because Sweetheart needed something to return home to--and though I'm a pull for him, an apartment wouldn't have been.

HUGS,
RCR

[brueniap]

I don't post much anymore, Annie, but I will say that you appear to be in the right place and your husband seems to be true to form in the mlc process.
Frankly - I think you are doing great with your reactions. With so many it is hard to actually detach and move on with your life at all. But it is the only way to keep one's sanity - to truly detach.

I joined this group in February '06. It was my safety net and my sanity for getting thru the days.

After 14 months of separation my H has returned home. He's not finished going thru his "mlc" process but he is ready to be home with me and finish it out here. One day at a time and life is ok especially when you give it over to your higher power, which for me, is God.

I've learned a lot on this journey and I am not sorry to have traveled this road. My own growth has been amazing and I have to say that this was very good for me. I know I would have felt differently had I been younger.......but this is my 2nd marriage and we are in our 50's now. For me, it was have this work or simply move on in my life. I have no desire to hook up with anyone new. I have learned to be quite content on my own. I will say, tho, that as the time goes by - it is nice to have him back home again.

Continue to post and read here and get in on other's threads. It all helps toward your healing process. If you feel that people are not answering your questions "soon enough" - make sure you post again and bug us - we get around to it eventually and do the best we can.

I'm mostly a lurker these days. Trying to move on with my life and live it rather than spend all my time here anymore. But this place is a life-saver and you will meet and make many new friends.

welcome to your new life. You can make this be good for you with the right attitude. Frankly, I have to admit - this was the best thing that happened to me. My life has been enriched immensely from the new growth.

brue

[Jeanette1120]

Hi Annie Welcome aboard!

I also wondered why your contacting atty and putting house up for sale. He is very confused.......and OW is the one making him this way. He, from what I could get from your post seems to know this or is aware of this subconsiously. Yes....OW's are desperate heat seeking leaches! They prey upon the vulnerability of our spouses.

Your husband does not want a divorce, nor does he want to be with this woman. He's trapped in a web....

Since you have been lurking so long you should know this...right? You do seem like a stander.....good for you. Your H is text book MLC with a little extra confusion thrown in.

You've done wonderful so far! I was ashamed at myself when I read your post....hell, you accomplished so much in a short time while it took me lets see....gotta use my toes to count 16 months to comprehend! Kudo's for you.


You end your thread with "I have let go, given in and gave over to God". So why not do just that? Don't drive off the cliff just yet.....go ahead on contact atty just so you know what options are yours.....but why not wait on the rest of it? Your so DB'ing knowledge empowered now, just sit back on the curb and watch it unfold.

Once again, your doing great.......just relax and re-think on some issues your wanting to push forward.

Smooches Annie

Jeanette

[trekker]

Thanks for your response.
I am 47 years old as is H. We have a S 21 who is finishing his last semester of university (Canadian term) this September. My D is 19 and just starting at the university of Waterloo this September. I have been in counseling and as part of the counseling it was suggested to detach I should sell the house and relocate.
As for the lawyer part, I am aware of OW's history and am afraid for our investments. We relocated to this community 41/2 years ago. In that time OW has had 3 relationships. one marriage that ended in divorce ( her 3rd divorce) a common law living arrangement and a boy friend. Then the affair with my H. Each time she has gotten the men in financial difficulty. I need the finances for my kids school. H income is in excess of $85 thousand and mine is $35 thousand. Both H and OW are police officers. OW makes same as H. H put OW on his bank card and unknown to him I became privy to her debt. She has alot and cannot manage money. Now H has bought a $15 thousand motorcycle and we still have to pay for S and D to go to school.
Do you believe in visions? I was given a vision that I needed to put the house on the market but that it would not sell. There have been no potential buyers through.

As for the lawyer I have cancelled 3 times prior to this.

And yes I am a stander. About 3 weeks ago I awoke at 3:30 am to a strong vision that my H and my kids are with me celebrating my recieving my degree. A voice telling me that everything will be fine.

[Jeanette1120]

I believe in visions.......I believe that God puts signs all over the place for us....we just have to learn to read them. We as LBS seem to become more aware of ourselves as this is a truly a eye opening, spirit lifting, faith needing experience we go through.

Uhm...he's still married, and he's mingling marital money. A no-no. If your worried about the finances.....there is a way......I believe if you file, it freezes everything. Thats a hard decision to make tho. Your atty should have better advice than to file, sale and thats it. There are other ways of protecting your assests.

Are you on that bankcard too? Or is this his new secret acct?

She's a police officer? I pity the people she arrests!!!

Throw holy water on her.....i bet she bursts into flames! Sorry.....I know this is a rough time, but I'm one of those now, that have to find the humor in things......I can't help it They are just so damn STUPID that that well....you know

Find a way to protect whats yours...before actually divorcing/selling/moving.

She's a skank ho.....protect and serve.....ohhhh please!

Smooches again Annie.....

Jeanette

[trekker]

Thanks
Sometimes I feel like I am racing head long down the mountain that I am desperately trying to climb. Lately though, I have taken time out to sit on the side, enjoy the view and listen. You know if you listen freely without expectations, isn't amazing how much you can hear.
I guess sometimes I wonder if he will ever come out of this MLC fog.
I know that I am doing all the right things for me, even admist the very supportive albeit misguided advice from family and friends. D him Annie, take him for everything he is worth.
As for the lawyer, the last time he was home and we reconnected, and it was truly him, he cautioned me and told me to take care of myself ,do everything I could do to protect myself financially and it's all going to work out in the end. I got the sense that at the core of him he is afraid of loosing the nest egg that we have amassed over the years.
Annie

[trekker]

Yes I have no respect for this OW. It would have been a totally different story if this had of happened ,I clearly get the how of infedelity, and they would have come to me as adults and said "listen Annie we didn't mean for this to happen but we love each other and we are going to be together." Instead when I found out I phoned her early in the morning and invited myself out for tea. I then told her I knew. I forgive you because quite frankly I'm worth it. This act of forgiveness is more about a gift to me than to you. Carrying around this cancer that is you I am not choosing to do. Oh by the way do you love him? She said no. I told her I was very sad for H indeed. Her response was Oh Annie we didn't want to hurt you. No I believe that only because I was never considered in the equation at all. This is about you and H and your selfishness.

Oh by the was OW claims to be very religious.Both H and OW have loss respect of fellow officiers they work with.

Yes I am back on the bank card. H put me back on after I texted him and asked why I couldn't pay the bills or access the investment accounts. Now the investment accounts show up but they are 'view only' I have no access. Scary stuff.
Annie

[Jeanette1120]

As for the lawyer, the last time he was home and we reconnected, and it was truly him, he cautioned me and told me to take care of myself ,do everything I could do to protect myself financially and it's all going to work out in the end. I got the sense that at the core of him he is afraid of loosing the nest egg that we have amassed over the years.
Annie

Gasp! He's been taken by aliens His original self came out and actually told you to take care of yourself financially??? Holy cow Batman! Bless his heart..and I mean this....He KNOWES whats going on! Why can't he stop himself then? OW has some stong mojo on him.

Friends/family will tell you what they think you want to hear....they mean well. But it's you that ultimatly have to make the decision as it's your life, your children's future at hand.

I'm sorry......I find it amazing that your H is kinda aware of what is happening but can't stop it.

Does he know about OW and her financial sitch?? Is he the kind of person that feels the need to "save" people? But can never fathom the thought that they might need saving too?

Sigh......hit the brakes on speeding down the mountain......it is amazing what you can hear when you "Zip the Lips". Took me forever to learn that too!!! GEEEEEESH! Your my new HERO

Jeanette

[trekker]

Yes I think he is her savior. During the spring and summer before I had conclusive answers that it was an A, my H would include her in alot of what we did. He commented about how she was alone with no one to help her. Each time a relationship ended for her, H was there to help move her, paint her new digs and essentially do whatever she needed doing. I might point out that in every case that she ended a relationship it was not long before she had another one. The last time my H was home he told me that none of her other R's should have happened. I couldn't help myself and said "Yours included, bud."
I was quite ill last year, it puzzled the dr's here. They thought for a while it was Lukemia. As it turns out it is acute iron deficiency and a mal absorption problem with vitamine B 12. The symptoms mimic lukemia. I guess that's the burden that he felt.
Annie