Hi CL- Thanks again for your thoughts. I appreciate what you are telling me, but it is such an internal struggle. Everyone says you need to GAL and focus on making yourself happy. How do you do this when you have to stay in limbo? The thing that is going to make me happiest right now is to make myself feel more settled, like I am at home. Granted, if I buy this house it will take sometime to make it feel like home, but at least I am moving in the right direction, right? Additionally, if I get this house, I will have lots to do (painting, decorating, landscaping, etc.) thus keeping me from focusing on my M problems. My family is advising me to buy the house for financial reasons as well. It seems like almost every time I want take a step forward on my own, there is a reason why I shouldn't.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
You two are still in a "settling the muddy waters," phase.
I keep hearing that I am in the "muddy waters" phase. Are there phases to separation? I would like to know more about these phases and what to expect. I know you mentioned that 3 months into the separation is still early. It seems like a lifetime to me!!! For me, it would be so helpful if I had some idea of what I can expect.
I understand completely what you are saying about giving them positives and appreciating what positives we get from them. I know I have been so bad about this and I think I have done everything wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I have done too much damage already to come back from this.
I have decided to talk to my H about the house. I sent him a text asking when would be a good time to talk. No reply. I think I need to tell my H what I am thinking of doing, that it is something I need to do for me but that I still really want our M to work out. If I don't hear from him, at least I tried.
Thanks so much for your thoughts CL. You have helped me so much. You seem to have so much of this figured out...but yet your W still hasn't??? Are you seeing progress in your M???
Got a TM reply from my H. He said he will call me tonight. I want to let him know that my buying the house has nothing to do with me moving on. It is just something I want to do for me and I hope he can understand why I want to do this. Any thoughts on how to handle the conversation?
I just got off the phone with my H. I planned out what I was going to say and I pretty much stuck to it other than answering his questions. I told him I just need to buy the house for me and it wasn't because I was "moving on". He seemed okay with it, he just wanted to know some of the details. I know buying the house now is a gamble because he might use it against me later but I think it is something I really need to do. Anyway, my H wanted to talk about other things, but I cut the conversation short. He sounded surprised when I was ending the call. I can only hope that I am doing the right thing.
I went by my H's office today to pick up the bookwork. I had hoped he wasn't going to be there, but he was. I wasn't going to talk to him, but I did. He apparently has been talking to people to find out what is going on with me and getting bad info. How high school!!! I asked why he can't just talk to me...he really didn't say anything. Anyway, he talked about just ending everything just to get things resolved. I told him that unless he could see spending the rest of his life alone then he owes our marriage another chance. He isn't sure he wants to try now because of the "drama" at the BBQ weekend before last and he claims I am still not listening to him (because he said he wanted to leave the BBQ and I tried to get him to stay!). It is just an excuse.
I keep having to tell myself that there is nothing that I can say or do to get my H to see things clearly but regardless of how much I tell myself do that, I still find myself trying to convince him to work on our M. I am doing it less and less but I am still doing it.
My H told me today that he thinks it is "weird" that I have decided to purchase this house. He says that and then thinks about it and says well I guess you have to do what you have to do. I told him that nothing has changed for him in 3 months and I don't see it changing anytime soon.
He says he wants to call me tonight to talk. As always, I am not sure how to handle it. I hate this. Why can't he see what he is doing?
I guess my H didn't want to talk to me after all. Funny, he is the one who said he wanted to talk to me tonight. I have been trying hard to detach and have been doing a pretty good job of it until I talk to him. This sucks big time. I can't stand it when people tell me they are going to do something and then flake. In this situation, it is a thousand times worse!!! This is so NOT the man I used to know. I'm sure he will have some excuse if I ask. I don't know if I can hold on anymore. The way he has been treating me is getting worse and worse. I don't deserve this. I know he is screwed up right now and I shouldn't take this personally, but it is personal. I know I have to act like I didn't even notice that he didn't call but why? I just feel like it is time that I start to be realistic...I don't think he is coming back. PLEASE, can anyone give me a reason to hang on to this?
I know I sound like a big whiner over something pretty insignificant. I know that there are lots of people out there (especially on these BB)who put up with a lot worse and still hold on. I don't know how they do it.
What is the next phase after "settling the muddy waters" phase? For me, I think it might be the "take a hike" phase.
Based on your sitch, my WAH moved out on Feb 10,so you and I are operating on roughtly the same time line. I did all the same things that you have done at about the same time as well.
It was about 3 weeks ago that I finally got fed up and just stopped trying to "fix" this thing. I stopped calling him, and when he called me, I talked to him like he was just an old friend. And funny enough, that is about the same time that things started to go much better.
Since I have calmed down, he has felt much safer about calling and asking to spend time with me. If he brings up R talk, I just listen to what he has to say. Learning to keep my mouth shut has been the hardest lesson of all for me.
He has mentioned how much he misses me, and thinks about coming home but just needs more time to process the idea. This has been another very difficult lesson for me to learn. Men take SOOO much longer to process their emotions. What we can do in a few days might take them a few weeks.
Plus, unlike women who think about this stuff all the time, they are able to compartmentalize it somehow. They can put it in and out of their minds like turning a light switch on and off. So, while you have thought about it for months, his cumulative time spent on this subject may only be a few days. Combine that with their slow-processing time and it's like watching a glacier move.
I likened myself to a cranky baby who screamed for hours before finally tired itself out enough to fall asleep.
It sounds like you are coming to that point soon, and I feel like things will start to improve after that.
I lost it this morning and called my H. I told him either he needed to work on our M or I am done. He can't tell me he wants to work on things so I have had it. We talked for about and hour and a half and I cried and begged him to try and he just says he can't...he says he doesn't have it in him. At moments, it seems like he is torn but he just can't commit to working on our M. Maybe he thinks he tried when he said he wanted to take baby steps, but that went nowhere fast. My H is an attorney so, I told him to file the paperwork. CL, I know you say that D decisions should come from a position of strength and at least at the moment, I feel like I am sort of there. I am not telling him that we should start the D for his reaction or out of my frustration. I believe I am saying it because I deserve to be treated better than this. This is killing me and at least I will start to feel better knowing the path my life is on. I know people keep telling me it has only been 3 months and that I need to detach, give it time, GAL, etc. Three months has felt like 3 years...I feel like I have aged a lot more than that. Maybe I shouldn't give up yet but my options are limited if I want my self-respect.
So, now where do I go and what do I do? I am at lousy DBing.
Oh, I forgot to mention that today my H said that he still loves me and is in love with me...funny huh! Does that make any sense? I guess it means different things for different people.
If anybody is out there reading, I guess I am a good example of what not to do. This afternoon I am wishing that I had the strength to continue the fight. I have so many mixed feelings right now. This morning I was reacting to somethings my family had said. They want me to get over the hurt of this and be done. I was also reacting to my H's inability to work on our M. I have such trouble trying to understand this. I guess I will just wait to see if he files anything. How can he say he is still IN LOVE with me and not want to work on this. A friend of my H's (the one he is staying with now), who was in an extremely volitile (somewhat physically abusive on the W's part) relationship, was having a lot continual of problems with his W. He said he loved her and that is why he kept going back. I told him that sometimes love isn't enough...ironic huh?
UD
This afternoon I am wishing that I had the strength to continue the fight. I have so many mixed feelings right now. This morning I was reacting to somethings my family had said. They want me to get over the hurt of this and be done. I was also reacting to my H's inability to work on our M. I have such trouble trying to understand this. I guess I will just wait to see if he files anything. How can he say he is still IN LOVE with me and not want to work on this. A friend of my H's (the one he is staying with now), who was in an extremely volitile (somewhat physically abusive on the W's part) relationship, was having a lot continual of problems with his W. He said he loved her and that is why he kept going back. I told him that sometimes love isn't enough...ironic huh?