Advice Needed!

[Rollercoasterider]

He is not ready to work on us and I don't know when and if he will be ready. That is why I think I need to shake things up a bit.

ONLY (yes ONLY) 10 months in is not a long time IF this is MLC.

You have expressed confusion regarding MLC versus Depression. LEt's clear somethng up. MLC IS Depression. Depression permeates the journey. Covert Depression early in and Overt Depression later is the standard--though they cycle and you may see the overt--which is what we usually recongize as depression.

You say you are impatient. So now you know what it is you are meant to work on. And yes, it is fine to stop the contact until he is ready to work on your relationship. But if he is on the mode where he feels he never wants to do that, I wouldn't say that you were not contacting until he's ready. He doens't need to know that's what you are doing or thinking.

But IF this is MLC--it averages 2-7 YEARS. Bomb Drop (7 months ago?) May come half through--or less, but it is usually at the start of Stage 3: Replay.

He is not going to be ready on your timeline, no matter how frustrated you are--it won;t matter. Ultimatums--at least in the beginning--send them running farther away.

You job is to find and focus onyourself. Get A Life--GAL. Figure out what YOU want. If you want to file, do it. But be careful, you may get what you ask for. If you don't want a divorce, I personally don't recommend filing. But sometimes financial needs force that too.

You both were not and are not perfect. He neds space tow rok on himself--in his own way on his own timeline. You may not approve of his methods...TOUGH.

Your job is to work on yourself and the kids. Find your won happiness. If you don't 'fix' yourself, how cna he return someday. A strong and stable mariage needs TWO strong and stable partners.

It's not always easy. But it is easier if you focus on you and find your own happiness. IT becomes easier to detach, easier to become strong, easier to be patient and easier to not react in anger or take his actions personally. It's not easy--just easier.

HUGS,
RCR

PS: Why do you think he's MLC

What is the history..ages etc.

[glamgirl]

Thanks RCR your post just made me cry. You are so right and those are all the things that H keeps telling me. He needs to find himself, it's not on my timeline. You are right, I don't approve and it's tough. How do I get past that? I don't believe you need to be apart from someone to figure it out. It makes me angry that he has done this to his family. I know he cares, but it feels like he doesn't. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to continue living apart either.

You see I am at a crossroad. I know I need to be patient, but that has never been a trait of mine. I am the type that wants it now. This is the area I need to focus. Probably could do me some good in the future when dealing with H too.

I think MLC and depression, because he had to move out and find himself. He hasn't changed his looks stuff like that or dressing differntly, but he needs to figure his life out. He had a failed business when all of this started, but I am also finding out through little discussions with him he wasn't happy in our marriage. Duh, you could have told me, instead of run away. He was making decissions in his business that made his partner and others not trust him and really take a step back and ask who is this guy. He has been caught lieing, stealing, involved with some really questionable practices. He says I didn't support him and his family is very dissappointed in him. He feels he is not deserving of anything and is very bitter and angry towards me because he feels I didn't support him and was talking to his family and business partner and he feels that was none of my business. So now we are working our way back from all of this mess. H is 38, me 46, D3, S5, S18. He feels a ton of guilt. Any suggestions on how to work with that?

He also is in the process of starting another business and yes this just angers me. He puts all the focus and attention here when the attention should be on his family. He feels he needs to do this to be satisfied with himself. I know some form of depression runs in his family even though no one will admit it. I also think he has some deep rooted issues from how he was raised and the expectations that were set upon him. He rarely talks to family anymore and this was almost a weekly thing. He was the brother that everyone looked up too.

Do I go dark or just continue to be kind and supportive? How do I help him deal with the guilt and thinking he is a failure?

[nara]

Do I go dark or just continue to be kind and supportive? How do I help him deal with the guilt and thinking he is a failure?

Hi glamgirl. Boy, does he ever sound like my friend's X. First off, I have to tell you how brave you're being during this time, and I'd like to tell you what a great job you're doing, trying to support him.

Maybe it would be better for yourself if you went dark for a little bit. Your H will have to deal with his guilt one way or the other...and though it may not be in a manner you approve or in the speed you like, it just can't be rushed.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You're already doing a lot and dealing with this stressful sitch.

Saw a good post on Going Dark that you might want to read about.

Lots of luck.

[heartbreak2]

Glamgirl

You say you are impatient, well I was too and it got me no where.
I have learned that patience is the key to surviving with out losing who you are.

The lack of control over the situation and them was a huge part of my problem. We need to let them do what they need to do and give them space. Detach is what everyone says to do. That is the hardest thing harder than having patience.

Detaching takes time it does not happen overnight.

Mine also said he was not happy in the M. This is a standard phrase for most of them. He doesn't have to dress different or buy a sports car to be in mlc. Mine did not buy anything that I know of??? but does spend money to catch up on all he did not do for the last 23 yrs.... see he put work first before the kids and I. We rarely saw him and never took vacations. Now this is all my fault and he is spending to make up for it.

You said he needs to be satisfied with himself.
This is very important for if he is not then he will not see past that.
read and read is all I can recommend to you. Learn about MLC but about how to improve you and your life. You are part of this M and if you are not happy your life with him can not be happy.
He can't make you happy that has to come from within you.

It has been a yr and the anger is no longer with me. I had a very short period of anger and some say I did not get angry enough at him. Funny he says he left because I was always angry.

Let go of thinking about him all the time. This is very hard at first and there are times that he will consume your thoughts.
Even after a yr. I have weekends like this one that are being consumed by where did he go and why did he crawl back in the tunnel this time?
Keep busy and in the MLC mind there is no sense of time. So things will happen when they happen.
hb2

[glamgirl]

Thanks so much hb2. I am still in the angry and sad mode most of the time. Having angry thoughts when I am frustrated raising 3 kids on my own with no financial, emotional or physical support. I get so angry and shake my head and ask how can he do this to us.

Then I get sad in thinking that my M is done. It feels done. Each day I am wondering WHY am I bothering with someone who has no morals, integrity, or the stamina to want us to work. Why am I fighting this. I feel like I should just let this go and move on.

He does watch the kids every Sunday at our house. Yesterday he didn't sound good. I asked how he was doing and he just shrugged his shoulders. He said I looked nice and asked how I was doing. I said very cheery just great!

I did fix a meal for him and the kids and one that he asked for. He usually calls me everyday except for the weekends, but it is always about his work or mine, never about R or how are the kids. This also frustrates me.

At times he talks about how bitter he is and then on the otherhand he is not deserving. This is so confusing for me. Which is it? When he left on Sunday I said see you next Sunday. If he calls this week I just don't feel up to taking his calls. I feel we are going NO where. So if he does call before Sunday I am politely going to send him an e-mail that I will see him on Sunday? I know then he may never want contact with me, but I am ok with this, I feel he needs to feel a sense of loss. How is he going to feel this if we talk daily like nothing is wrong. There is a whole bunch wrong H and it starts with talking, which he just isn't going to do right now.

Hb2, how often do you have communication with H and what is that communication like?

I am going to try to not let him consume my thoughts, that it why I think once a week contact would be better for me rather than this chatting daily, but getting NO where.

[1hope]

I am fairly new to this, so I don't know if this is the correct space to reach you, but I couldn't help but notice your sitch, the age diff between you and H is the same as mine. I also believe my H is in MLC.

It is encouraging when I see that you are now in MC and he has just started AD. Does that seem to be helping? Prior to DB I was begging H to go to MC, which he has refused. Several of his family members are on AD and it really seems to be making a difference.

When I read your posts it gives me hope.