Advice Needed!

[glamgirl]

I am at the point of throwing in the towel. I am really sick of the same old s%*@ but different day. At what point do you decide enough is enough and you just move on and file the d. H and I have been separated for over 10 months. Not much progress from 10 months ago.

I am a very impatient person and want results now. I just don't think I can take it anymore. I have 3 kids and H just isn't stepping up to the plate and taking on his share of responsibility. I feel like I am all alone. No financial, emotional, or physical support from him.

Has anyone just said to their WAS don't contact me anymore until you are ready to work on us or something along those lines. This is how I feel instead of doing all the nice nice conversation. What do you think? Any advice?

[789]

"Don't give up hope that is why we are all here." That is a quote from you to me the other day. With that said, the only one who can decide when enough is enough is you. I cannot say what I would do if I was in your sitch for 10 months, and I hope I do not find out, only 2 months for myself.
Not sure if I could tell WAW not to contact me until she was ready to work on us, at the moment I am just happy when she calls me even for the little stuff, since I have not called her once in over a week, but thankfully she has called me everyday, and for absolutely nothing, but I will take that and smile.

[Just_D]

I can't give you any advice since we've "only" been separated for 2 weeks, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[bit1607]

glamgirl

i am at the same point. mine is going on 6 months with no progress in terms of her moving hom. now she has certainly softenend and become less defensive but what does this really mean.

i know some people that swear by the power of least interest or total indifference. if your not getting anywhere doing what your doing try something different. i am obsessing over the same decision now, should i file?

good luck try a new approach and guage the results.

[JR2007]

10 months is a long time. I'm like 789, only in this about 2 months right now and it is tough. But I made a decision about 2 weeks in (once I quit doing the wrong things and started doing the right things) that I would stick with it as long as necessary! I'm committed to that because I love my wife, I love my son and I know without a shadow of a doubt that my family isn't supposed to break up. Now, that doesn't mean it won't because my wife has her own free-will, but I will be doing everything in my power to improve what I can control.

For you, maybe you need to detach? Maybe there is a 180 or two you could do. I'm working my way through DR and I find MANY things I've done wrong and can reverse. Maybe it'll be the same for you. I can't believe how many cheeseless tunnels I've gone down. I've done the same thing over and over expecting a different result and that's just foolish. Look at your actions, and if they're not working, do something else?!

I'd say you're a real trooper for going 10 months with apparently little improvement, but remember to look for the small changes. I've had a couple of little changes from my W and I look to those things as proof we have a chance. Again, only being at this 2 months I can't fully relate with what you're feeling but I do look to people like you for hope, so keep up the fight!

[glamgirl]

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone. I am really down today. H watched the kids while I worked. We had a few light conversations during the day and he cooked dinner and even baked a cake for dessert. I don't remember H ever cooking anything.

The problem is when he leaves I get so depressed. I just feel that he is never going to commit to working on us or even expressing a desire to work on us.

I just want to say to him get out, don't call me if you can't make a committment to me and our children. I know this is all very selfish and that he is also very selfish by being a WAS.

What I would like to know, what does going DARK mean. H calls me during the week and I return the calls on the same day, but try to delay the return. I never call him unless it is about the kids or to return his call. I have been using the DB'ing techniques and am always pleasant, try to get off the phone first, be a bit mysterious, but I am really tired of this game. I have only been doing this for about 3 weeks. I know that isn't long.

Does going dark mean that I don't have any contact with him except when he comes to watch the kids which is every Sunday. This is how I am feeling, that hey I don't want to talk with you if you can't committ to us. I know this is so selfish, but I am getting to the hopeless stage. This has been going on for over 10 months and I am sick of the bs.

Should I continue to have the nice nice conversations no pressure or should I switch it up notch and just be totally uninterested. Let him really think I am discouraged and have given up and when he calls or e-mails don't respond.

Advice needed please by those that maybe have done above and what was the outcome. I do realize that I may loose H forever, but do I really have anything now?

I want to go on dates, dancing, dinner etc. and H is just not interested in anything but working and re-building. Oh, I believe he is going through some form of a MLC and depression.

Help please, I am going crazy!

[mkultra]

Hi, this is my first post, but I feel your impatience! I cannot wait for a more experienced DBer to reply, because I am only on month two and I want to go out dancing or give STBXH the ultimatum, too. I know it is not DBing, but I want to feel pretty again, too! And he does not even look at me! Good luck to you. Your husband sounds like he is also scared to make a move, but the cake sounds like one.

[glamgirl]

Thanks mk. I wish I were only on month 2. If I had found the db'ing techniques then maybe things would be different now. I just feel the longer he is away the harder it is for him to come home.

It's early for you. I would just dig in and do the db'ing. What happens for me is that I feel hopeless and I want to work on us or just move on. I am at that stage. H is not at that stage. He is not ready to work on us and I don't know when and if he will be ready. That is why I think I need to shake things up a bit.

I know I should be gratefull for the little progress. I just want more. Thanks for reminding me of the cake, I see that now being huge. H just does not cook. I don't expect him to. I am hoping he is missing my home cooked meals. He always referred to them as restaurant quality. Maybe I could invite him to dinner this week. Deep down it sounds good, but on the surface I don't want to.

Thanks for your reply. Good luck with your situation, but it's too early for you to give it all up.

[glamgirl]

Thanks mk. I wish I were only on month 2. If I had found the db'ing techniques then maybe things would be different now. I just feel the longer he is away the harder it is for him to come home.

It's early for you. I would just dig in and do the db'ing. What happens for me is that I feel hopeless and I want to work on us or just move on. I am at that stage. H is not at that stage. He is not ready to work on us and I don't know when and if he will be ready. That is why I think I need to shake things up a bit.

I know I should be gratefull for the little progress. I just want more. Thanks for reminding me of the cake, I see that now being huge. H just does not cook. I don't expect him to. I am hoping he is missing my home cooked meals. He always referred to them as restaurant quality. Maybe I could invite him to dinner this week. Deep down it sounds good, but on the surface I don't want to.

Thanks for your reply. Good luck with your situation, but it's too early for you to give it all up.

[glamgirl]

Thanks mk. I wish I were only on month 2. If I had found the db'ing techniques then maybe things would be different now. I just feel the longer he is away the harder it is for him to come home.

It's early for you. I would just dig in and do the db'ing. What happens for me is that I feel hopeless and I want to work on us or just move on. I am at that stage. H is not at that stage. He is not ready to work on us and I don't know when and if he will be ready. That is why I think I need to shake things up a bit.

I know I should be gratefull for the little progress. I just want more. Thanks for reminding me of the cake, I see that now being huge. H just does not cook. I don't expect him to. I am hoping he is missing my home cooked meals. He always referred to them as restaurant quality. Maybe I could invite him to dinner this week. Deep down it sounds good, but on the surface I don't want to.

Thanks for your reply. Good luck with your situation, but it's too early for you to give it all up.