No contact with W = difficulty with DR

[JR2007]

I'm having kind of a hard time with DR right now. It's really geared toward couples who have contact. I'm preparing for the day we have contact but I'm having difficulty because I can't really apply any of the actions. I have my goals created but can't do anything about them yet. I'm working the 180's on my own yet can't show them to my W. I can't experiment and track results, nothing. Anyone else run into this dilemma?

If you're curious you can find my threads in "we're separated..."

[marshall1982]

I'm having the same problem. I'm just kind of at a stand still until she makes contact again. We're supposed to meet when she flies home for a vacation next week... so I have one chance to implement my 180. We have a few phone conversations, but it's always about business. We've become more civil, but I don't see it leading away from the divorce she is pursuing. It's all a waiting game. Good luck.

[Handful of Rain]

I've been DBing, for a few months now, So I am by no means an expert, but I am in your shoes and wanted to share a little with you. I also haven't seen any results, we have no contact whatsoever, she is pregnant and living with the OM, it has been a hard journey, to say the least.

As far as I can tell, and I maybe wrong, (nothing new, been there in the past) DBing is not about changing your spouse, it is about changing yourself, and hoping they will see it, right?

Well, even if my W, never comes around which, I would like to see just like you, but I doubt she ever will, at this point, I know you have to remember, you are doing this for you, and not them.

The hardest part for me, was and is realizing that I need to take the focus off of her and put it on me, my life, and what it will take to make me a better person. If you have a W that is responding to your efforts, in any way, you are to be congratulated for that. I know I don't, but it doesn't hold me back me, now. We are past the 11th hour, and I have been in the ATRT, for almost 2 or 3 months, (lost track) with limited to no contact. W hasn't expressed anything accept how much she hates me and wants no contact. and now I have realized so do I, (the no contact I mean, I don't hate her, just hate the person she has become) it is better that way, no fighting, no hurt, no stress. And I have let her know this, as well. it is pretty sad, we can't even talk about the kids, or me getting my property, without her wanting to argue and cuss me out. She has so much hate, that I just can't stand her, right now.

So I guess, if you are asking how do I make my W see the change in me, when there is no contact, Well, you have to remember to prioritize the reason you wanted to change, and ask yourself. Did you do it for your W or did you do it for yourself?

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

Dear Handful of Rain -

You're a very smart guy! Incredible insight! And you are giving great advice here. Sounds like you are making some fantastic changes for yourself.

I wish you the very best with your Divorce Busting work.

Regards,

[Pinkribbon]

So in other words if you have no contact with the spouse then these methods will not work on getting them back?

[Jay Scott]

How can they? That is the problem with this stuff and you also have to remember that people are different. I really feel having little to no contact with my wife is strengthening her resolve and numbing the pain of missing her children.....will it last for ever, I don't know but I really don't think it makes a hill of beans what I do. The best thing I can say is that I am getting stronger when I focus on my life and my kids and think less about my wife. It may not save my marriage but I sure feel a lot stronger as an individual.

[Lampstand]

I basically have no contact with my H. I made him leave last month. I made the biggest mistake of my life and want him back. I know what I did wrong and pretty sure we can be happy together if I make these changes. But how do I ask him back if there's no contact? Not sure how to proceed.