It's been a long, rough road, but W is actually saying that she is the one that wants to work on our M and she is afraid that I don't want to anymore. She told me today that if I wasn't careful I was really going to screw up and lose her, and that she is worried about me.
She called a mutual friend about how I was unwilling to compromise about where we lived. Our friend helped W put things into perspective and we were able to have a pleasant conversation when I got home (A little more info in last post of my last thread linked at top of this post).
I think the important thing for me to remember is that I'm not living the way I want to. I'm constantly afraid of W getting angry, so I'm hesitant to do the extra things I want to with her. There is a palpable tension between us, even when things are going great; I think mainly because I've been holding back, and not continuing my 180s and doing things differently.
My initial DBing worked, but I haven't taken it to the next level. I think it may be a fear of failure - the opportunity for success is real and is there, but if it doesn't work it will be so much more painful.... I forget that if I don't work to make my R with W a success, I'm going to get the painful failure I'm afraid of. Better to try and fail then just fail.
Anyway, since I'm no longer separated, and W is actively saying she's ready to work on our R (even though when she gets upset she also quickly threatens D), I've got less to fear now than when I started DBing. I'm getting where I always wanted to go, so why am I still so unhappy and fearful?
JRyan,
if you find me here, answers to your questions: W wants me to get a different job. I've tried to explain to W that I don't have a job anymore, I finally have a life. I'm taking over at my family's dairy farm, so even though I refer to it as "work", it's actually more like my "home". Living in a house not on the farm is a compromise for me, although this is an absolute neccessity for W. Like most farmers, we are land rich and cash poor, so I'm not raking in the dough. We can still pay our bills, but sometimes just barely, which is one reason W is looking for a job.
I appreciate your comment about W's LL not being spoken, it reminded me that in order to be effective, by actions need to be spoken in a language W understands, and I've been speaking H talk recently, not W talk. Thank you!
Most of all, I'm glad to be back in piecing, and I intend to stay here, unless Michele starts a "Success Stories" forum Now THAT's positive thinking!
You've got to get rid of the fear if you want to get on w/ piecing, right? You're going to have to continue to stick out your neck and take chances. If you've gotten to this point and now W is willing to come back and take on some of the R work, you need to hike up your boot straps and get in there and do the best DB'ing you know how!!
You're probably still unhappy & fearful b/c the entire sitch happened in the first place. It sucks. But if you want to keep your M, you've got to continue to be willing to put in the effort & work it's still going to take.
It's not over yet. Keep up that positive thinking. And there is a "success stories" forum!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I thought I remembered a "success stories" forum, but For some reason I didn't see it the last few times I was browsing the forum topics. Must be a clue I'm not ready to move there yet
I can feel your fear just by rading your post. As you know, you cannot let fear control your life. You are who you are. You can make substantial changes, but inwardly you are you.
It's amazing that we are both warriors, but this type of thing tears us up. I get the "not making W. angry thing". You've been with me for a while. I had a good friend who flew MEDEVACS in Iraq. His W. wanted out, and he had to give up an aviation command, because he was so torn up. Another warrior.
I'm thinking that after a year in Iraq, when I come home, I'll want to live the remainder of my life trying to be as happy as possible. I'm 51, and a year and a half out of my life is a great proportion of what I have left. It's not as easy as giving a year up at age 24.
I'm glad things are positive for you. I wish you nothing but peace, tranquility and success.
Yesterday and last night W was pushing my buttons, continuing to bad mouth individuals in my family, me, my employment, our future, etc. etc. I politely listened for about an hour when I had come home for a late lunch, then went back to work.
W started again right before dinner and I politely told her I did not want to talk about or hear about her anger towards people. W held off during dinner and we had a nice time. Then after dinner W starts in again, so I try to divert my attention by reading a magazine. S12 and D10 are sitting with us at the table and W just keeps going on and on until I raise my voice and say, "I really don't want to hear about this right now, especially infront of the kids."
W say's there you go, you are going to be mean again. They told me at the women's shelter that you would get mean again. I didn't reply and continued reading my magazine.
D10 chimes in, "Mom, why are you pushing Dad's buttons, I can see you smiling when you make him upset." W gets up and leaves the room, and I go to bed.
This morning, everything is fine.
I spent a short, early lunch with W at home, and just called to invite her to a movie. W said that she was sick and didn't want to go out, but that I scored major points by asking her. We agreed that I'll go rent a movie and we'll spend time together at home tonight.
Two weeks ago W was offered, and initially accepted, a job 2 hours away. It's a government job and the hiring process is extremly long. Te past week she has been waiting for them to schedule her drug test. She has been pressuring me to "compromise" and agree to move to a location 1/2 between my work and her new job. I have done my best to explain to her that it is not practical to live so far away from a dairy farm.
I was never mean or forceful during any of our conversations about this issue - other than clearly stating that the kids have choice where they live (and who they live with). W maintains that she will not move without her kids, and that she is moving.
A week ago, I worked at the Canada Cup Wrestling tournament. At a social one night, I passed a couple postcards around and asked the other officials to write a note to my W. This past Friday, W was looking at her job offer letter and feeling really bad about working so far away from home and/or splitting up the family. She finally decided to go check the mail and prayed that God would have something in the mail to help her decide what to do. In the mail where the two post cards I had mailed from Canada the week prior.
W has agreed to continue to look for work closer to home, and not take the 2 hour away position.
Sending postcards is definitely "something different", and I didn't even have to write anything and W loved them. They definitely helped my marriage make it through this part of W's job search.
Now THAT's positive thinking!
