Dec 2001 - Our second child is born (S4) and I have major PPD. I'm out of it for about a year, and when I come to, things are not good with H and me. H is very unsupportive during my depression, apparently not even noticing there was a problem, or pooh-poohing it.
Early 2004 - H continues to be withdrawn and emotionally distant. An issue in our whole marriage is that he does not open up, but it is becoming more so.
Spring 2004 - At my insistance, we go to MC 2 or 3 times. I say I don't think H loves me, but he insists that he does and he will change. C tells us that we need to talk about what's bothering us, which never happens. H seems to be drinking more.
Aug 2004 - H says he doesn't know if we should stay married; doesn't think he can change. I panic and become a Stepford Wife. H grows more distant and begins to drink more heavily, 2-3 drinks every night at home, and is out 3-4 times a week (same as after D9 was born).
December 04 - FIL finds out he needs a quad bypass ASAP. He has been in poor health for many years, but it has reached a peak. He is 74(?) at the time.
End Dec 04 - H goes out for his 39th b'day and gets arrested. He is not charge w/ anything, but drugs he had with him (news to me) are sent to a lab. H is freaking out and tells me the next morning. He doesn't get out of bed for a few days. Says he needs help for his drinking b/c it's out of control.
Jan 05 - A few days later, his father has open-heart surgery and has a stroke during surgery. There's a tense week, but he survives. FIL is in hospital for six months, during which time H drives his mother to and from the hospital 4 days a week (his sister does the other three days). We don't live near IL's so it takes a good 1.5 hours each time to do this. H is seldom home; when he's not driving his mum around, he is at work or out with friends (or ow, as I find out later).
May 05 - H is charged with drug possession. He again panics; if he gets a record, he will automatically lose his job and not be able to get another in his field.
June/July 05 - We go away overnight, and ML for the last time. It is not good - he is not "there" and all he has to say is, "I can feel your IUD."
July 05 - We go on a family vacation, and H is on his cell constantly. He comes back into town overnight to see a football game (and ow).
Aug 12/05 - I have been in therapy off and on (mostly on) since S was 8 months old. T tells me to find out what's going on w/ distant H; ask him if he's in this M or out of it. I do that, and H says he doesn't know. Next day, I tell him that if he doesn't know, it would be better if he moved out to think about it. He comes home and packs a bad. I am hysterical, and then he tells me he's in love w/ ow!!! He starts to cry, I go nuts, he goes out drinking. Next day (13th) he leaves and goes to stay with MF. I find out from H that ow is married, but supposedly waiting for him to say the word and she'll leave her H. I find DB a few days later.
Fall 05 - H seems overly happy, even manic. SIL tells me he's gone wacko and she and her parents are worried about him. He is drinking way too much, buying tons of new clothes. He is cold and superior when he picks kids up.
Oct 05 - I have a breakdown and end up taking a month off work. I go into an out-patient programme at a local hospital. H tells me he's attracted to me again (I'm dressing better, got a good haircut) and he can't stand the sight of ow anymore.
Early Dec 05 - H and I have a blow-out. I find out he's been out on a date w/ a woman whom SIL knows, who has two kids same ages as ours WITH THE SAME NAMES! And they are not particualarly common names. SIL says this woman is almost exatly like me!! I tell H he's not good enough to lick the sh*t off my shoes and I'm filing for D. His voice cracks and he says I'm right. I don't file, and he begins to act a lot nicer towards me.
Christmas 05 - H gets me a book. We don't spend the holiday together, but he calls Christmas day and I don't answer. He goes to LA to visit a friend (MF) for this 40th b-day.
May 06 - Another fight b/c S4 is "regressing," according to his daycare educator. I yell at H for f'ing my kids up, and again plan to file, but do not go through with it.
July 06 - H moves out of MF's place in 'burbs and gets an apt two blocks away from our house. He starts spending more time w/ us, although still not initiating contact. Says he's getting a 2-bedroom and cheaply furnishing it until things are "settled" between us. I take this to mean that he wants D, but apparently not.
Fall 06 - Things move forward ever-so-slowly. H seems to be coming out of his depression tunnel.
Oct 06 - I turn 40 and have a party. H comes and spends the evening with 25 of my friends and family. This seems to be a turning point, as he is a lot more comfortable with me now. Also, his first court appearance is over, and he's made a deal which will be finalized in March (no ciminal record).
Nov 06 - He invited his family to come to D's birthday party yesterday, which he hasn't done since he left. SIL came and gave me a huge hug; we haven't seen each other in more than a year, but she and ILs are totally behind me. H jokes around with me and his sis, but I'm really busy with the kids and other guests, so don't talk to him much.
He tells me that he cannot be in a committed, monogamous R; cannot be emotionally intimate. His voice breaks when he says this, and I feel relieved that this finally makes sense!
Dec 06 - Still friendly; he spends Christmas Day with us, but seems a bit uncomfortable.
Feb 07 - things still very nice; I am touching him more and he seems to like it. He is very chatty with me.
March 07 - I find out about the gf from the kids.
I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, Jazz, but there it is.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I've been thinking all day about your post on my thread. That Timeline was really helpful--does it help you to look at it that way?
Try it. Put different names...pretend you are reading about another poster--so many of our stories are close to the same that it could be someone else. If you can separate yourself fro it that way, try it.
Now, what would you tell that person...not as a noDB and inexpereinced person off the street, but what would you tell her as a fellow DBer. You've been in this a long time and the answers are in there--in you. You know this stuff. So what would you tell her?
Not about what to do...only she can decide what to do. But what would you tell her about what is going on. Are there patterns that can only bee seen in the greater context...and/or iwth impersonal detachment?
I'll tell you waht I see...I see a man who ha sbeen in crisis for several years--since your PPD in 2001 at least. He was drinking heavily...and drug/police issues! And dealing with his Father's illness and chafeuring Mom...it's not so much stress; it's PAIN. Stress is there, but PAIN is the bigges feeling I get.
His Dad's death may have also sent him into an MLC. But this was prolonged. It's great Dad survived. But the extended fear of constant worry for six months of hospitalization while being a caregive/provider for Mom. When someone dies...Bam, they are gone. The pain can start and be released. But this was a constnat beating of when.what if...
I don't know anything about Post Traumatic Stress. But imagine the fear of a soldier...repeated every night as he faces gun fire knowing and fearing that not just this day/night, but this moment may be his last...or the last for the guy next to him. Well, that's what I feel for your MLCer during that six months.
Okay, so let's move on to your post from my thread. Like I said, I thought about this all day...and I don't know that I have a lot to say. I undertand it is hard. You are hurt, and you feel he is the cause. And he is in a way...but he's a victim of his own pain too.
The answer is the same one my mentor has given me for MANY of my questions. She laughs...sometiems comments I won't like it, or I'll laugh too. It's simple and it is frustrating.
The answer is TIME. Not merely that it takes time to heal, but you need to accept your process of grief and healing and ALLOW yourself time to heal.
Remeber what Snodderly said to Holly a few weeks ago? Be Still.
Well that is also excellent advice for you. Be Still. Look within yourself and accept your feelings. Yes, you cannot look at him without feeling negative emotions swelling within. And I wish that were not so--as do you. But there they are--wanted or not. Accept them, let them wash over you. Own your feelings and realize they are not good or bad...they simply are.
Sweetie, you must go through this--as I've said in reference to the MLC tunnel...through, not over. You are normal. You are reacting in a perfectly natural manner. Ther is nothin wrong with you.
Be still and find that quiet place of solitude within yourself. Listen to the solitude and silence. Be very still.
RCR - Thanks very, very much. I will let you know when I've had a chance to give this more thought.
Jazz - I didn't file, but I initiated the process and we're now in mediation. I originally wanted a LS, but we're going straight to D. Nothing has changed, except that he's even more glued to ow.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I read your post to Lisalost. Now that's what I was talking about!!! It's easier to see it in someone else's situation isn't it?
You numerical points to her...beautiful. Can you do it for one of my other friends? She's on this board. Just do a search for Nicola. I'm sure you should have no trouble finding her.
RCR - I'm actually laughing even though I'm crying! Yes, it is SO much easier.
I haven't done it yet completely, but I've made some progress.
Right after I posted to Jazz that nothing had changed since we started with the D, except for H getting closer to ow, it suddenly hit me: that is such an obvious escape from thinking about the end of our M. I know b/c I have a strong desire to do exactly the same thing, for all the wrong reasons. This has led to some more insights, which I'll elaborate on in a minute.
The recital last night was okay, nothing exciting happened, I was a little calmer.
Today we had mediation #3. We probably need one or two more meetings and the agreement will be done.
Before going, I prayed the way I used to pray before I saw H: Lord, use me as your instrument. Let your words speak through my mouth; let my actions be your actions.
I haven't done that in a while, but it really helped. I felt calm going into the meeting. I brought up a contentious issue (splitting of the debt). H got angry and was quite rude, but I stayed calm, and told him that it wasn't necessary for him to speak to me like that. He apologized.
We left together, and he had taken a taxi for some reason, so didn't have his car. There were no cabs around, so I told him I'd drive him down to a bigger street, but ended up driving him to work. At one point, he started to tell me a bit about what's happening at work - a mistake he made. He said, "Hopefully I won't lose my job. That would really screw everything up." And then a tear came out of his eye! This is probably the fourth or fifth time I've seen him cry, all but one have been since he left.
I put my hand over his (red light) and said, "It will be okay" a couple of times. Then I put my hand on the back of his neck and rubbed it. Light changed.
I was happy w/ the way that went b/c last time I touched his hand (after the car accident, just before I found out about the gf), he shook me off. I don't think he wants to talk to her about this problem, so I'm the only one he can talk to.
I made a joke about needing to find a Sugar Daddy to solve my money problems. But then I wrote an email later, thinking about what RCR has done (she says she'll always be married to him, etc). I'll post it later.
We talked about changing visitation a bit. H said he would like to go to every second w/e and have a day during the week with them. He wants to have time w/ them alone, and likes to spend his weekends w/ D-- (gf). He said this so casually; it broke my heart. I just said that it makes sense.
I still love him so much. I keep trying to convince myself that I don't, but I do. I mean nothing to him, or at least, he doesn't want to come back to me.
I know he's feeling something about the D b/c of how upset he got about the money/job thing. Also, I think that might be why he spends so much time w/ gf (one reason anyway) - to forget, not be alone.
I just don't see how this could turn around. Almost certainly, it won't before the D is final.
I will post my email to him.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
[stuff about kids and budget - he offered to help me with it]
Everything is going to work out fine for you ~ I'm praying on that. There is no sugar daddy in my future. I'm not interested in anyone else ~ too bad for me!
~ Nicola
That last remark may have been a mistake, but I kept it light. Honestly, it's the truth. I don't think it'll have any effect on him, but you never know. I thought about it a lot, and although I've told him I still love him, I've been telling him a lot that I'm planning to remarry someday. I do hope to, but I really would prefer that it be him.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I thought about it a lot, and although I've told him I still love him, I've been telling him a lot that I'm planning to remarry someday. I do hope to, but I really would prefer that it be him.
I think you have been trying to convince yourself that you are done with your M to try to move on but I haven't been buying it. I have been watching you get it all out of your system because you really need to in order to let go and finally give it to God.
How is your reading going? The reason why I ask is because although you say and write that you are done, your thoughts and feelings say otherwise.
I think you need to take some time and really think about what YOU want, if you could have it. Then once you are truly clear on what you want, believe that you can have it and let it go. You then need to start acting like you will receive it. Does this sound familiar?
If in your heart you truly love your H, you will be guided to treat him as such. You allow yourself to truly give it to God and allow him to work through you to get to your H. You will see that it is nothing that you control but rather things start to happen that will bring you one step closer but you have to feel that it is what you want.
I can't explain it but since I've stopped trying to find ways to get closer to H, things have been happening that are somehow bringing H closer to me. It may not happen as fast as I would want but I am using the time to prepare myself. I honestly believe that H and I will be together again. Is this what you really want for yourself? You are struggling because you are trying to fight what you want.
Think about what you really want Nicola and start acting and feeling like it will be regardless what your H is doing. You are allowing his actions control your thoughts. Let go of the resentment, anger, fear and negativity. As COG reminds us that God tells us to love our enemy; that means love unconditionally.
You said that things were good between you and your H when you didn't know about OW so how about you ACT AS IF there is no OW.
Let me know if you would like me to call you tomorrow. I can do so on Saturday whenever you want.
You will make it through this Nic because God knows you are a special person who is deserving of a great life.
Love to you, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
