She brought by some of the papers today for the divorce... really not what I was hoping for. I asked her if she was sure and she said that she'd done a lot of thinking and was sure. However, she said that she wasn't in a rush and we could file in January if it would make taxes easier.
Not sure what to do at this point. I guess it's time.
I'm just sad thinking about all the should have's / could have's....
I totally understand the "should have's/could have's!" One thing you will have to do no matter what happens, whether you do get the D or not, is FORGIVE YOURSELF for anything you feel you did in the M to get to the point of your wife's no turning back. You HAVE to do this, or it will be a lot harder to get on w/ your life. That was the first thing I did -- I figured out what I felt was my part in the break-down of our M and I had to let it go and forgive myself for those things, otherwise I would have spent a LONG time dwelling on what I should have or shouldn't have done instead.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
She brought by some of the papers today for the divorce... really not what I was hoping for. I asked her if she was sure and she said that she'd done a lot of thinking and was sure.
Did you ask her why she was sure? ie: What actual concrete, unchangable, rational reasons she has, other than "feelings"?
'cause feelings never stay the same. After all, she married you, and by doing so, essentially declared that she loved you and her feelings would never change.
If they can change from back then, they can change from where they are now, too.
[if you do decide to talk to her along those lines, make sure you are prepared with something on how they might change, though. a la "the 5 love languages" or marriagebuilders stuff.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/17/0709:14 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
It's been a while since I last posted.... Here's an update.
The papers are completed. I reviewed and signed them. I also included a short letter to my W asking her to reconsider and also stated that the divorce wasn't something I wanted. She pickup the papers at my office today while I was out at a client.
It is still very painful to think about what went wrong and that she isn't willing to try to repair things. Her C says that it is important for her to "close" things. I think that a lot of C's will tell you what that think you want to hear. If you go in and say "help me move on" that's what they'll do and encourage you to do just that. Oh well.
I'm moving on... At 42 years old, I'm finding things are very different out in the single world. There are a lot of single ladies out there wanting to meet a nice guy. I want to take it slow... let myself heal. However, they are knocking on the door and seems everyone has a friend they want to introduce me to. It could be some fun times ahead...
I really appreciate all the support and information I got from this forum. The books are great too. I plan on re-reading them and not making the same mistakes in the future.
I really don't want to be divorced, but it really isn't my choice. So, the only way I can look at things is to focus on myself, get back "healthy" and view this as an opportunity.
.....Make lemon-aide out of all the lemons.
Anyone have any suggestions on how best to move on??
Well. The best advice I got was to shore up your financials, and DO NOT make any major decisions for at least one year. You are going through a psychological death, and you will go through the same stages of grief that you might experience with the death of a loved one.
Be very kind to yourself. Do EVERYTHING in moderation... including alcohol.
Your moods are probably going to go up and down radically, and once you start dating... you are going to start feeling again. Be very careful not to rush into anything.
Start working out, if you aren't doing so already. It will help you naturally deal with highs and lows. If you find yourself being in the dumps for longer than two weeks, if you are finding it hard to get out... go see someone and perhaps get on a mild AD for a time.
MAKE A LIST of all the things you want to do, or ever wanted to do, but put off, and start DOING them. You may chuckle at me, but find a local dance studio and sign up for dance lessons. It is a GREAT way to meet people, they are all... like... HAPPY... and you have tons of fun. Ask Burgbud.
You will be redefining yourself, and that is going to take a bit of time. Don't rush yourself.
Oh. And beware of your 2bx calling you... especially when she finds out you are dating...
We've been separated now for about 8 months. It has been a "psychological death" and I've hit the stages of grief.
I'm still going to the C and on the AD's.
I've also met some nice people --- I'm not hiding out any more. I really do feel pretty damn good now. I'm trying to look at this as a positive "opportunity". .... "When live gives you lemons, make lemon-aide."
Sometimes, usually after communicating with the 2bx, the sadness hits me. The holidays can be a crazy time and even tho I was never really exciting about visiting with her family... some how it hurts knowing that I now cannot be there.
Well, today is the day we go to court. Right now I'm very sad, angry and hurt. But I'm also somewhat relieved to know that my new live will begin in just a few hours. All the problems won't just go away, but it will be a new start.
Many hugs to you... I'm so sorry things have gone in this direction. I think in the long run-- the VERY long run-- you'll be okay. But you'll be sad for a good while. When I got divorced, I couldn't listen to the radio for two years, because every song made me cry.
