Working on building trust

[butterflymom]

My last thread locked! My first ever. I feel so proud. LOL! Moved a bunch of stuff out of H's apartment at lunch today. Loaded up my car and his with nonperishable groceries, kitchen pots and pans, etc. OW is staying away (thank goodness!). Is moving the rest of her stuff out Sat. morning while we are at a soccer tournament for D8. After that we should be DONE with her. YEAH! H and I had a good talk last night. I requested that he just tell me if he wants to leave again and go back to OW. I told him that the lying and sneaking around were much worse than the just knowing. He said he was never going to back to her so I didn't have to worry about it. I told him to not sneak around with anyone else then. Just tell me and go. That I could handle that a lot better that way. He assured me he was home to stay, but did say that he wouldn't sneak around on me anymore. He's working really hard to rebuild trust. I already feel so much better this time than I did after OW#1. I NEVER felt comfortable that he was telling me the whole truth after her. Obviously I had good reason since he jumped into bed less than a month later with OW#2. I'm still very cautious, but I do notice a difference in him this time. He's sincere. He's himself. He's not that alien that I lived with for so many months. I'm not walking on eggshells. I was so afraid of that before he said he wanted to come back. I was so afraid that if he did come back we would all be walking around watching everything we said. We're not and it's nice. I'll keep you updated on us as we enter this new phase.

BFM

[inmyplace]

Good luck, BFM.

[Grace_O]

Hope all continues to g owell. Are you two seeing an MC?

[Cinderellaman]

I'm SO PROUD OF YOU !!!!

Well done ....keep going !! xxxxx

[butterflymom]

Grace - yes we are seeing a MC. We've been twice so far. Our next appt is on Wed. of this next week.

Thanks for the well wishes everyone.

[butterflymom]

Got home from work last night and H was already there doing yard work. He'd already done a TON! We have a large yard that requires a LOT of weedeating. Cooked a quick dinner then took D8 to soccer practice. H stayed home. When I got back he had cleaned the kitchen and the basement. He's also staying home today to continue cleaning and getting the house ready for all his stuff to come back.

On the way back from practice S5 (he likes to go and run around the field with the team and the coaches are really nice about having him there. Treat him like "one of the girls" LOL)noticed the box of toys that H had bought them was in the front seat of my car. He seemed really concerned that it was coming to our house. I explained to him again that Daddy doesn't have his apartment anymore. He's living with us again. He wanted to know what I was going to do with the toys. I told him that they would be at our house for him to play with now. He asked what would happen to them if Daddy moved out again. I told him that daddy wasn't going to move out again. He then asked, "What will we do if he changes his mind, mommy?" I told him that I didn't think he would because he loves them, he loves me and he missed us and wants to stay with us forever, but that if he did we would be fine just like we were fine last time he moved out. D8 then asked how come he moved out in the first place if he still loved you. I told her that he thought he didn't love me like he needed to to be married to me, but that now he realizes he does. She then said, then how come you guys were always hugging and holding hands and being nice to each other and stuff? You don't do that unless you love someone. I told her that I think he really did love me all along, but he was just confused for a while.

She asked about a million other questions as well. I guess they are afraid he's going to move out again too. Very understandable. I only hope him moving in wasn't a bad move. It doesn't feel like it right now. Right now it feels so right. Everything feels like it should, but if he goes again it will devestate those kids.

I have to go to a funeral tonight. My maid of honor died this week of complications due to lymphoma (she was totally cancer free, but her liver failed due to the anti-rejection medication they were giving her for the bone marrow transplant). Very sad.

Hope all have a good day on here.

[Cinderellaman]

Hi BFM,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend that died - what a tragic death.....


As you wrote about what your kids asked you, I kept thinking to myself - 'my kids will wonder one day too why H always used to hug and kiss me too !!' I hope your theory about the love still being there is TRUE !!!

Have a great weekend with your FAMILY..........I admire you greatly and I am so proud of you !

[butterflymom]

Just got back from a MC session today. It went well. There were a couple of things that H said that I thought you might like to know. Probably the most important thing that stuck out in my mind was him talking about my new independence.

He said something along the lines of "Having BFM say that she doesn't need me to be happy was a real eye opener. Having her look at me and tell me that she was happy with who she was as a person and that she wanted me in her life as a husband and father and lover, but that she didn't NEED me in her life to be happy was a good thing. I could tell she meant it and it was a refreshing change from the way she used to be and I like her new found independence. She pulled on some strength within her that I didn't know she had and that was a very attractive thing to me."

When he said it, I thought to myself, "that is the basic core of divorce busting right there. That stuff really does work."

I think our counselor is amazed at some of the deep stuff we've discussed on our own already. Last night we got into the whole discussion of H missing the OW and told the C about it today and I think she was amazed that we were able to discuss it without losing our cool (or without me losing MY cool I guess I should say).

I just wanted you to know that independence is ATTRACTIVE to men. They need to know you can live without them.

[Dom R]

some do. But, speaking as a man, i could care less about it.
At one point, I wanted "my space", so my (then girlfriend at the time) would have been more appealing if she was more independant.

But after going through the crud she's put me through...
no, i would be quite happy with a "dependant" woman. one who I knew would never betray me again.
It would be far more comforting to me, than if she was "more independant" and wanted to live separate lives.

Now... the perspective of a man who was the betrayer, I can imagine would be very different. when he sees his wife being more independant, his selfish nature kicks in and makes him want to make sure he doesnt lose what "he has", i'd imagine.

Dont get me wrong: I think that there's nothing bad about an "independant, but committed" wife.
But if I were given the choice between "independant" and "dependant".. I'd pick dependant right now, that's for sure :-/

[butterflymom]

Dom,
I can see where someone in your shoes would have a different perspective. My H is talking more about me having my own friends rather than relying on him for all my fun as well as now having an opinion on things and contibuting that to our relationship. We actually discussed maintaining independence, but still moving in the same direction as a couple and working as a team to get where we wanted to go. It's a fine line for sure, and I definitely lost myself in the 15 years we've been married. He was happy to see me back to the girl he married rather than this whimpering dependent, shrinking flower I had become.

BFM