Separated...and pregnant. Advice appreciated.

[JR2007]

Well, I feel like this is going to sound odd but he didn't really say there was anything specific that he couldn't live with in the marriage. Honestly, it felt like I just started living with a different person. He became less and less recognizable and more unhappy as the months passed. I asked him what I could do, what anyone could do, and he just kept saying that it was him (not me) and that he didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it. He still says this in counseling.

He says that he would like for things to work out, but I'm not sure I believe him. He doesn't really seem to be trying because I honestly believe he just feels lost and doesn't seem to have a sense of who he is anymore. I want to help him but don't want to crowd, pressure, etc. so I have been trying to give as much space as possible, while staying supportive and taking care of me throughout the pregnancy.

I feel like I'm making no sense and talking in circles but that is really how the situation feels to me, more than a bit confusing and overwhelming.

I am trying to work on our interactions regarding the business. I know that I can be a bit unbearable when it comes to the finances (personal and business finances alike) but I really just have our best interest in mind. He is a bit financially unreliable so neither of us feel comfortable turning the financials over to him. Honestly, I think that if he had the self esteem to be more aggressive with new business, we could easily grow and many of these issues would no longer exist. He is just terrified of rejection, which doesn't help things when you are responsible for bringing in new business and maintaining existing relationships. Perhaps he could take a business class to boost self-esteem? I have suggested this to him but he always says that we don't have the money then becomes depressed about it. Seems like a never-ending pattern...

Again, I just want to thank everyone for any thoughts, it really helps to finally put this out there and have a support system. Even though it's been 3.5 months, we haven't told many friends/family so don't have much support there.

Your husband is completely unfulfilled with his life. It, more than likely, has little or nothing to do with you. He's unhappy at work because he wants it to be better but doesn't have the strength to do it. His strength has been sapped by depression. He is acting EXACTLY the way I was acting the last 3 years after I lost a great job and decided to go out on my own. I promised my wife over and over things would get better but my self-confidence and motivation were SHOT! How could my motivation be shot you ask - you had a great wife and a great kid you say? I was blinded by selfishness, I was seeing how I was failing and refused to accept it - - I'M NOT A FAILURE and men don't get depressed, I told myself and I believed it - hook line and sinker. I was absolutely unrecognizable to my wife, I'm 100% sure of it. I got really fat, sat and watch hours of TV, spent ridiculous amounts of money on worthless things to try to get some excitement in my life, did other hurtful things to my wife - not to hurt her, but that was the net effect.

So, you're making perfect sense! The fact that you are here and want to make it better is HUGE! Talk with your H, let him know how you feel in a kind, respectful manner. Don't let him blow you off, but don't pursue too hard either, you'll chase him off that way. Let him know you're his best friend and you're there for him and work with that. Keep going to the counselor, if that one doesn't get you anywhere, find another one that specializes in family/relationship COACHING! You need skills to communicate and treat each other properly, not someone psycho-analyzing your childhood (just an opinion).

I'm having to do all this stuff by myself right now, so you're lucky your H is still there with you. Take advantage of that small gift and you'll do fine. I know you will...

[cat03]

well, you've read my post in piecing, yes, but at this stage (H being home for just a year) they are far and seldom happen, whereas the first 6mths were plagued with anxiety and misgivings. I still try to read R books to keep my feisty nature in check :), to keep up the good changes.

Fear is the strongest enemy you will face every day. You can sit and count all the negatives, ei. your family isnt together...etc. Or you could remind yourself that your H wants to be around you when the baby comes, is going to C and has contact with you, actions for which loads of people here would kill for.

We had a board member who was in your same shoes, even worse, she found her H w/OW in bed and he told her right then and there he hated her and didnt' want her baby. She overcame THAT, imagen!

Here, I will post some golden advice I compiled when I was piecing and despairing:
==================================================
You are breeding negativity.
STOP IT.
Can you just allow yourself to dare to think something GOOD about your husband?
Of course the man is not "happy"!
He is thinking of how long it's going to take to get back into your good graces, how long until you stop expecting the worst from him, how long until you have faith that he will do something other than screw up, how long til you will really love him again and the two of you can truly be a healed family.
HOW can he EVER believe in HIMSELF when NO ONE BELIEVES IN HIM??
It's your move.
The man needs a wife that is going to stand behind him and lift him up when the rest of the world pisses on him.
A wife that believes in him although at times he doubts himself.
He needs someone to give him a chance.
Your children need someone to give Daddy a chance.
If he screws it up, you have the option of filing for divorce and I won't even bat an eye if you do. I will understand.
But as sure as WE all screw up and Jesus forgives US, we need to forgive those that hurt us and need another chance.
It's up to you.
Fear or faith?
Which one are you gonna feed tonight?
I don't give a rat's ass about history or odds or statistics.
WHAT IF WHATEVER HAPPENS IS SOLELY DETERMINED BY YOUR ACTIONS AND ATTITUDES?
What if.....?
----------------------
You only have control over YOUR actions and life. Make it good. You think she's not watching, but she is. Until she files for a D, she still, somewhere in there, has hope and faith that you might change and give her a happier M. She needs to come forward too....but, believe it or not, she's watching and testing. If you throw her away, you just confirm her thoughts that you are unforgiving and unyielding. It's so twisted to have to think about someone else in this...and believe me, just 5 minutes ago I was feeling angry and selfish, and that's normal too.

Go forth and remember this. These MAY be the last days of your M. They MAY not. Regardless, go on with a bang. Reflect and think about things you WISH you could have done differently. Do them now. Make the change, with no expectations or strings. Just be the best partner and person you can be, however limited that is now, to a person you once and still do love dearly. Why? Just for the sake of doing the right thing....

Remember the day you got married. You both never intended on becoming the people you did in the M. She never meant to cheat on you that day. You never meant to become the H you did (whatever that was, but surely has SOME need for change). What's done is done. Now, go back to that man, with good intentions and hope.
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[new_mommy2]

These are great thoughts, and I need to practice them more often. I am going to print and keep handy as a daily reminder of how proactive I can be in my own situation.

Just a question, should I be engaging in the "I love you's" or is this not helping the situation? He never says "I love you" unless he is just responding to me, and even then, it sounds a bit forced and awkward. I don't want to push, but do want him to know how much I care. I guess I'm just not sure where that line is...

[JR2007]

Just a question, should I be engaging in the "I love you's" or is this not helping the situation? He never says "I love you" unless he is just responding to me, and even then, it sounds a bit forced and awkward. I don't want to push, but do want him to know how much I care. I guess I'm just not sure where that line is...

Don't say I love you. Especially don't smother him. I did that to my wife and it pushed her away faster than anything else I think. She did the forced ILY's for 4 months! I was saying it all the time and she never wanted to say it back but she would to get rid of me - you don't want to go there. She was feeling bad that she didn't feel the same as me at that point in time so the ILY's made it worse. Get the R back into shape then start thinking about the words. Actions right now speak much louder than words - so just SHOW him you care.

[cat03]

ditto what JR said, it just makes him feel like he *has* to say it back. Honestly, he prob isnt' feeling that way towards you right now, so dont' put him on the spot.

[new_mommy2]

Thanks to all for the advice. We actually had a great evening with our son last night, partially because of the advice I have received and applied here. No questions, no accusations, no pressure. A huge relief on both of us. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support.

[JR2007]

Thanks to all for the advice. We actually had a great evening with our son last night, partially because of the advice I have received and applied here. No questions, no accusations, no pressure. A huge relief on both of us. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support.

And remember how lucky you are that you're able to be with your husband - he hasn't run off or anything, and that's a very good thing. As you gain the skills to support him the way he needs you to right now I think you'll notice that he'll start to do the same for you as things improve. Read pages 66-70 in DR. Totally helped me out when I read it.

[forward]

NM, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this while pregnant. I felt my H fading out at 6 months and it was difficult, but it would be more difficult to be in your shoes.

I don't know what is up w/these selfish men that they cannot be emotionally supportive of a pregnant woman. Post here; hopefully you will get the support you need.

Meanwhile try to rest (and swim if you can--it was the BEST THING for me since I loved having the weight off my feet).

[Upside]

Hi Mom-
I need to reply to your post because I was in the almost the exact same situation 14 years ago. I was 9 months pregnant and had a 20 month old when I found out my H had an OW. It has been a long time since then and my marriage didn't make it, but maybe things possible could have turned out differently if I had some of the insights, information and understanding that is shared in this forum. Learn, listen and be as patient as you possibly can.

My H was 30 at the time and I believe that my H's problem was not wanting to grow up. I tried to do whatever I could to keep my marriage together and I have never regreted it. I know when I look at my children and see what they have to go through having to live their lives in two different houses, with parents that have no respect for each other, at least I know I did everything that I could to keep our family together.

Be strong for your children and yourself. Find family and friends to help you through this time that should be one of the happiest of your life but instead is going to be one of the biggest challeges. Try as much as you can to enjoy your new baby and keep in mind all of the joy he will bring you. Keep your focus (as much as you can) on the positives in your life and remember that you will get through this no matter what.

[wbfnm]

Dear Mom,
I feel you are right about the business. Let go of it. It's his dream. He wants to be able to provide for the family and when he's feeling down and has a low self esteem you critising him will not help.
It might feel strange but why don't you say to him that you feel that with the baby coming and him being out of the house the accounting is just too much. Give him the reins and most of all act confident that he is able to make it a succesfull business.It will definately boost his confidence. MEanwhile Don't give him any advice whatsoever regarding the business or other area's. Lift him by awknowledging ALL the good things he does. i know letting go might feel like a big risk but why do you think he can't deal with the responsibility? It's smothering and treating him like a baby while he is a man and wants to feel like a man.

Well just my 0.02...
take care!