It seems like forever since I've actually updated on my sitch and have spent most of my time following some of the others here and trying to intersperse some wisdom now and again where I see fit. Fortunately, there are others on here that do a much better job than I of doing that and I still see them providing much needed advice to those who are struggling hard.
I guess before I start, a little wisdom interspersion is called for here. As I look around, there's not many of my Class of '06 alums still here. In some ways, this is good and I think for those who are struggling now, that in and of itself should give you some relief in recognizing that this sh*t doesn't last forever. Either through sheer will, a change in dynamic or personal growth, this too shall pass and you will find yourself looking back with less pain and looking forward with greater hope and determination. Obviously, not every story is a "success" story in terms of saving the marriage and some perhaps shouldn't be saved, but in terms of personal growth and acceptance of things that cannot be changed, those who have moved beyond posting here are a success story in their own right.
I say this because looking back at my sitch, and many of the other sitches here, its often hard to believe that perhaps some good can come out of what you are experiencing. But if you're willing to learn and willing to adpat, it can. And with the help of Michelle's books, the wonderful people here and your own determination, you will. Okay, enough of the pep talk...if you've read this far then you probably have at least some interest in what's been going on in my life and, for that, I thank you
For those of you who haven't followed my sitch since the beginning, the short version goes something like this: My W became emotionally attached to OM at work sometime back in '05, told me that she had "feelings for OM in October '05, spent months trying to figure out what she wanted (yes, I got the ILYBNILWY speech) as I spent a corresponding amount of time pursuing her, crying, begging, pleading etc.
To compound matters, my W, who had suffered from an eating disorder earlier in her life, started to exhibit signs that the eating disorder had come back to life in full force. Over the next several months, she struggled with depression, withdrawal from her family and friends, trying to maintain a relationship with me and a pseudo-relationship with OM.
Finally, October of last year. While she had ackowledged that she had a problem with an eating disorder prior to this, she wasn't ready to take steps to confront it...but finally she decided to seek treatment. She spent a week in a treatment center for eating disorders, only to realize that she wasnt' ready to confront it. She came home and started to fall into the routine of working, and letting the eating disorder control her life.
In the meantime, however our relationship started to get better. She had ackowleded to me around this time that OM was not at all what she wanted and that she couldn't see her life without me and the girls in it. We went to MC and started to work on our relationship. Also, during this time, she began taking AD's to ease her anxiety and depression (something she had steadfastly said in all her life that she would NEVER do) and an improvement in her attitude became noticeable over the next few months.
In all that time, the only thing that stood between us was the eating disorder (she calls it ED) and it was starting to become a major block in furthering our relationship. It was though we could make it to a certain level in the relationship before ED would find a way to sabaotage things. The biggest difference now was that my W could recongize it and she took an active interest in learning more about what she was going through and why....
About a month and a half ago, she decided that it was time to face ED and try to get on with repairing herself and her life. It took some time, but she finally was admitted to the same treatment center that she had been in in October.
Presently, she is still in treatment at the center as a resident, but unlike last time, I have seen MAJOR positive improvements from her. She has been 100% compliant with the program since day one and has become much more introspective than I have ever known her to be. The other day she told me that she feels "great" and while that's probably not unusual to hear from someone, it was foreign from her because I have never heard her say that she feels great!
Add to that the role she is playing in getting our relationship back on track. The other day she told me that she understands now why OM was an important factor in her life for so long....aside from the initial attraction (and some lingering issues we had with our marriage), what kept it going was the fact that he was the one voice telling her how great she looked and how perfect she was, essentially feeding her ED while all the people who loved her and were concerned for her were trying to help her. It was easier to run to acceptance than to stand facing the truth.
So right, now, she's been in treatment for 12 days and I couldn't be happier with her progress and recovery. The only rub in all this is that it looks like our insurance company will push her to seek a lower level of care (she was recommended for inpatient treatment for 28 days, the insurance company is pushing her out after 12) which will likely include an intensive outpatient program nearby. While this isn't optimal, its still a move in the right direction and is another step in her journey onto recovery.
With all that said, I'm really in a good place at the moment, despite the hardship that this disorder has brung upon our family. But I believe with everything that we have expereinced in the last two years, along with the personal growth that both of us have had to do to overcome the adversities, things will steadily improve and allow our relationship to grow even more than it could have before.
So, in many ways, while I don't want to live through it again, I think the experience of living through it, and continuing to live through it, has been a valuable life experience and has really allowed me to gain a better understanding of what it means to love someone unconditionally.
In closing, the best advice I can give to those suffering now is to know that it won't last forever, to listen to the advice of those on here when they tell you to focus on yourself and take care of YOU, and to learn what you can from this experience to avoid repeating mistakes.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Get ready for some MORE big adjustments -- these shifts in her are going to require MAJOR shifts in your R for you both to be happy and for her to be successful with her ED. Not sure how or what (Ellie probably has some ideas), but I'm sure big changes will be coming.
Thank you for checking in...I can always count on you to have something helpful to say.
As for MORE adjustments, no doubt about it and fortunately an intergral part of her treatment invloves family therapy to discuss these adjustments and learn how to adapt to them...
Definitely a tough road ahead, but its a process that we engage in day by day...
Thanks for checking in, it means a lot to me.
How's the baby and mommy doing these days?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Mommy and baby and daddy are fantastic. Had an amazing Mother's Day! Now, if I could just get my work life together and stop procrastinating by spending time here. (It is so much more rewarding to post here than slog through the evil never-ending project that I MUST finish.)
OK. That being said, it is nose to the grindstone for me now.
PArob - That is such GREAT news that your wife is in treatment.
Have you tried contesting the insurance decision? Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You are a champ for sticking this out. I know from my D's illness how hard it is to deal with someone with an eating disorder; must be doubly hard when you throw an affair on top of it!!! Her explanation makes perfect sense, though - running towards someone who would enable the ED and away from those who would have her confront it.
maybe you should give up the evil job and become a full time 2x4 wielder on here....goodness knows this place needs it now and again and, well, since you're so good at it and all.... :-)
Ellie,
Thank you for checking in and the words of encouragement. Yes,its been a long, ardorous journey and each day poses new challenges, but I'm really heartened by her determination to address this thing now. In many respects, she is my hero and I'm so PROUD of her for doing something that is so hard.
As for insurance, I think I'm going to talk to a few people tomorow and see what I can get resolved because honestly, the one stumbling block in this whole thing is the fact that everyday, my wife has to wonder whether she is covered for that day or whether she needs to pack up her stuff and come home. Talk about distracting!
The saddest part of all this is all the beautiful women there who also face the reality of the "medical necessity" process used by insurance companies. Since my wife has been there, countless of desperate women have been told to go home....regardless of their recovery efforts...because some third party has determined that they don't meet the standard of inpatient care. Its a wonder that many of them become so frustrated and I mourn deeply for everyone of them. My wife's roommate was sent home yesterday and not only is she battling ED, but also alcohol and drug addiction. If anyone qualifies for the highest level of help, its someone like her. :-(
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
So great to hear about W and her decision to seek treatment for herself! As we all know, "forcing" someone into doing something usually never works - they have to want it for themselves.
It's very nice to see your update. I'm so happy for you!
How are things going your way? Still whacky as ever??
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
!!!