Hello all. Feelong lost and hopeless. Hoping you guys can guide me in the right direction. My story follows:
My wife and I have been married 9 years but together almost 12. We've had our ups and downs but generally had a good affectionate marriage. I love you's were always present at the end of conversations and just out of the blue. We had our pet names and were intimate a couple of times a week. Her anniversary cards always read something along the lines of "I look forward to growing old with you" and "I will love you always". Now my wife seems to have disappeared and when you I ask about our marriage, it was a mess. To hear her tell it, I was a sex obsessed man who was too rough on the kids and never had time for anything or anyone. About a year ago, she began working with a younger crowd and hanging out more with them. She also began a friendship with a female friend who was going through an ugly divorce as the result of her affair. This friend began relying on my wife as a shoulder to cry on. At the same time, another friend of hers began calling her because she was having marital problems. In June, my stepson (the result of a rape in her late teens) graduated high school. During this time, we began having arguments (about once a month) about her spending so much time with her new friends and she began buying a lot of new clothing because one of her "friends" told her she dressed like an old lady. In November she dropped the "I love you but am not in love with you bomb." I began with the begging, pleading, etc. and began doing much research on how to fix my situation online. I began poking and everything I got was how for many years she had been unhappy and had cried because I was too busy with work and then school. According to her, the only reason she had stayed was because of the kids. During another conversation, she began talking about how she had always had to fend for someone else but she had never had time for herself. She said she was tired of always being relied upon and that she needed space and time to try and figure things out. I quit with the pleading but would still let her know that I loved her by making her lunch in the morning and making sure that I spent as little time as possible at work. We still made love once a week and she said she still felt love when we did it. Valentine's day came and I put roses on the bed and bought a plaque about the wonders of love for our bedroom. She bought everyone at work something special and bought me a card which read "Honey, love is patient and so are you. Love you." It hurt me that she put more thought into her friends gifts then mine. She spoke of moving out but gave up on that when we realized that we would have to sell the house. Her response was that the house was built for the kids (she's said that I could keep the kids). I've mentioned counseling 3 times and she is not interested in it. After one of our discussions, she left crying and later told me that she had gone to the park where she grew up so she could sit on the swings and think. She then began crying and said she missed her dad at which point I hugged her and consoled her (she comes from a broken home and hasn't seen her dad since she was 10). I've tried to back off but continue to do loving things for her (warm her side of the bed, pack her lunch, do dishes, clean house, etc.) but I miss the affectionate wife I used to have. The talks of moving away have ceased but she is so different then the woman I knew. The woman who used to love my kissing and touching her appears to now be repulsed. When we made love last, she said that she only makes love to me because "the sex is amazing" but that she doesn't want to give me any false hopes of her trying to work on the marriage. I'm just feeling so helpless and hopeless. She's planning on having us take a family cruise but is not interested in anything romantic. Her "I love you's" are now given out to all her friends and the kids friends. She'll still give me a peck on the lips and quickly says "love you" as she runs out the door in the morning. She complains about everyone and everything both at work and here at home and has begun to aspire to make management at work. Told me lat week that she wasn't ready to work on us and didn't think she ever would be. After one conversation with my son, she told him she didn't want to work on our marriage. He came to me and told me that unless I was a glutton for punishment, I should probably just get an attorney. Like I said, just feeling lost and hurt. I know my situation could be worse but I guess the pain is so great for me because of how high I seemed to have fallen from. Can anyone tell me what I'm dealing with here? WAW or MLC?
I am sorry you are here. You are not alone. There are a lot of resources on the top of the page, read those. It doesn't matter if your wife is WAW or MLCer. This is a time to focus on you. You aren't in a bad spot. She is home and still talks to you. Remember to not take what they say personally. She doesn't know what she wants and it will change from one minute to the next. Give her loving space, keep posting and venting here.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I must say I have been on this site for about 3 months and your sitch is the closest to mine that I have found. My W/ has said and done many of the very same things. My wife is in an EA, if not more with a younger Karate instructor. She too started hanging with this crowd. It was in Sept. that she first stated that she wanted to SEP... I begged and pleaded she agreed to stay..but all fall I really tried to address the issues she brought up, even her mother said during the holidays that she loves the new improved me. But it was not enough, the more I tried the more she pulled away, she began leaning in this kid, having lunch with him, talking to him 2/3 times a day. The guise was they were gonna take the school to the next level and my W would be able to spend more time at home for the kids. I noticed she was always ho hum around me and not really happy to see me. But Boy let him call- and she lit up like a christmas tree, that hurt. Anyway, we seperated, she was supposed to go to C. She went one time and that was it. A week later she told me she was not going to change her mind. A couple weeks later, she filed.
I have been using this site, Michelle's books, Homer Mac Donald, Mort Fortel, the BIBLE, BIBLE STUDY, THE SECRET and the law of attraction. Even Hypnotism- They all help give perspective. Until last night I really thought we were making progress, we agreed to try to settle custody issues and support. What a mistake, though I tried to avoid it, she had to tell me again that we are getting divorced... how our M was a failure and I let her down. I used the opportunity to speak about what GOD wants from H/W/Children...... I was able to explain the reason I thought she was having an A this fall, how lack of communication and her actions lead to my thoughts, not mistrust and "the Jealous monster" I accepted the responsiblity of letting her down and I failed our M in some ways. .... After a while I am beginning to think that God did guide me through last night, I felt at first that I had been left down, cause I didnt want to fight
Post again. tell me more..... Time does help... I would suggest that you develop a real personal relationship with your God or HP...
sounds like MLC to me. Read the resources and keep posting.
Simon,
Seeing a hypnotherapist for myself was one of the first things I did. But you've got to keep it up--on your own through meditations etc.
MLCers do not appreciate our logical explanations of why they are behaving a certain way. Accepting responsibility nd validating--excellent. Rationalizing...it doesn't work. Too little too late, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I want out and you can't stop me...BLAH BLAH BLAH. And no, you can't. But neither can she stop you from contesting if that is what you feel is best. She cannot stop you from Standing, forgiving or loving unconditionally.
When Sweetheart tried to get me to see that WE were getting a divorce, I said "No, YOU are getting a divorce." I let him know it was his divorce (which fortunately he didn't get) and I was not a part of it--I told him I was not getting one; I would not recognize a divorce and I would remain his wife as our vows stated--'til death.
Can anyone tell me what I'm dealing with here? WAW or MLC?
No. I can't tell you. I am just someone who posts to a bulleting board. I would see a C and get a response from a real professional. Also, I would like to add that not blaming MLC for my WAW helped me to focus on my needs and not her mindset.
Also, I want you to know that my ex forgot my birthday after the bomb. And with your Valentine's Day card, just go with the notion she presented. Because a card that says "Honey, love is patient and so are you. Love you." ain't all bad.
Roller, does that mean you Busted your D? I love to hear perserverence stories.
Thanks I need to post a more through, more concise story.... I love My W and I Love my KIDS.... I believe the MOST HAPPY LIFE IS WAITING FOR US at the end of this tunnel.
Roller, does that mean you Busted your D? I love to hear perserverence stories.
Thanks I need to post a more through, more concise story.... I love My W and I Love my KIDS.... I believe the MOST HAPPY LIFE IS WAITING FOR US at the end of this tunnel.
No. Sweetheart filed 9 June 2005 and we pulled the filing 24 August 2005 the FIRST time he left the OW's.
He never filed again. But in total he came and left 6X. He has been home since January 6th, and this return has lasted longer than the others. But as for Busted...I won't make that claim for 18-24 months. I've seen them leave again after a very long time back at home.
Simon, It seems to help when you know that you're not the only one in here. I've also tried Mort Fertel, Divorce Remedy, and countless e-mail lists etc. The situation has made me a little more spiritual as well. Having just spoken to my wife, she says that I suffocate her by me always being around (hovering). She's at work but began crying because she says she tried for so long to get us to work that she finally gave up. She says that she is currently on here because of the kids but that the only one that would miss her would be our daughter because the boys are teenagers. She says she wants to know if she would miss me or not but feels that I'm strong arming her to make that decision. Since you're familiar with Mort Fertel, I've implemented the touch/talk charges but maybe I've done so too much. I feel so lost. I'm in IC right now and am trying to get well myself but it just feels so hopeless at times.
RCR, Please do tell. The success stories are sometimes all I have to keep me going. Hoping that you're seeing light at the end of the tunnel or have maybe even reached it.
Dont give up, I think the one thing you have to do, is give her space, my good friend here, who could write a book himself, keeps screaming at me....LEAVE HER ALONE! meaning give her space. Are you living in the same house? In my situation, I declared BK (bankrupcy) to leave a small business that netted about 100k in income, but I had so much debt, we had to give up the big house and pool, ect... we really struggled and were in a negative cycle. My wife cried at each one of those steps, but I never thought much of it, I thought we were in it together-forever, I honestly NEVER even thought twice that "quiting" was an option. I was the captain of our college fb team and I left the good job to teach/coach,... so quiting .. i never thought she could do that.. It really seems to me that your wife is MLC,,,, give her space, if she is truely MLC, she really isnt in it for another man, she feels like she needs to find herself, to strike her mark before its too late. Give her space, GAL and enjoy those teenage boys.... Make sure they show their appreciation for mom, sometimes in place of you, cause you should just give her space right now. At times I feel guilty give advice, but you know when my family and I were on that downward cycle, i was a taker, and I felt terrible.. I was needing favors and things from our family and friends, and I really did not have anything to give back, though I wanted to.. Then when this happened, I just started giving little things, I have helped two friends who had trees fall in their yards. I worked my tail off cleaning up, cutting down... and you know what I felt much better, they thanked me over andover for my hard work. We talked aloud about my sitch. One guy was our best man, it really helped. Now I make sure I hold doors, smile take an extra minute to converse with the neighbors or the neighborhood kids... My negative cycle is turning around.... I receive help and comfort here on this board.. so I want to give back, even if I am not the most qualiifed.
Holla back
GAL No snooping No Argueing No judging Agree/Agree/Agree Be Sincere Dont Blow up Be empathic Be a Great Dad Be Pleasant 180's D.B your butt off.. Be Kind Be Lovingly Detached Change-for real and for ever Be a friend-the kind you would like to have Smile around her. The "Secret/Law of Attraction" side Reads Concentration peace poise harmony alertness goodwill freedom wisdom understanding prayer activity power health law and order ect.....
