I'm a newbie...I would really appreciate any insight that anyone may have on my situation...so here is my story...
My H and I have been married almost 7 years. We both had children from our previous marriages (his D18, my S15 and my D13). Everyone thought, including me, that we had a very good marriage...not perfect, but good. We did have blended family issues mainly with his D and me. Anyhoo, his D left for college late last summer (and I thought life would get easier...ha!!!)and around October my H had a temporary, somewhat high-power position end that he really seemed to enjoy. After that, he started acting unhappy, irritable and agurmenative. Then the first part of this year, he moved and expanded his business office (double the rent) and to top it off, we sold our home and moved into my father's huge house which we were planning on buying.
In February, my H told me that he wasn't happy. I wasn't shocked that he wasn't happy but I asked him if he was committed to working on the marriage and he couldn't tell me yes. I told him that if he couldn't tell me that he was committed then he should go (keep in mind he wasn't very pleasent to be around) but I NEVER expected that he would go...I know, BIG mistake!!! He said I gave him an ultimatum...hmmm! Well, now he has been gone for over 2 1/2 months with no return in sight. Right after he left he gave me an inventory of everything I have done wrong (controlling, smothering, complains too much, yada, yada, yada...)since I have know him. I had no idea where some of this stuff came from but I did admit to my shortcomings and swore to him that I will do everything I can to try to make him happy. He says he isn't sure I am capable of change.
I know I haven't handled thing the best way since he left. The first month, I tried to reason with him and I kept demanding to know if he wanted our marriage to work out. He couldn't give me an answer. It seems that if I push him, it only seems to backfire. He does keep telling me that he loves me and claims there is no OW or EA. I asked him if we could date to try to re-establish our relationship. We have seen each other occasionally, but we always seem to end up talk about our R and that doesn't seem to be a good thing. I have been trying to detach and went 11 days without talking to him but that didn't appear to make much of a difference. One minute he seems to miss me, then the next he doesn't.
We have been to MC and IC but that it extremely difficult to schedule for him since he has buried himself in his work. We did go to MC last Friday and he seemed like he thought it was productive and told the C that he wants to continue the MC. I told him that he shouldn't continue the MC if he doesn't think that there is any hope of working things out and he assured me that there was. Since then, He called me Saturday two times but both conversations were extremely brief and shall I say, not very warm. He did not wish me a happy Mother's Day in anyway which really hurt. We were supposed to have another MC session tonight, but he sent me a text this morning saying that he wouldn't be able to make it. I know he has a big project that he is working on out of town for the next couple of weeks, so I am trying to be understanding and patient, but both are wearing very thin right now. What happened to me being a priority??? Anyway, I went ahead and went to the C tonight by myself. I decided to call him afterward. He didn't answer so, I left a message. It is getting late and he hasn't called me back...ouch! All I keep thinking is actions speak louder than words.
I know I am not the problem and I can't fix the problem. I can only work on making myself happy...which I haven't been able to do such a good job of. My H is in such a selfish phase right now that I really don't know him anymore. To make matters worse, I just moved into this big house that doesn't feel like home to me (I didn't want it in the first place...he did) so I want to move again. My mother has even offered to buy a house with me...I am not sure if that is a good idea. I have goals for myself, (start a business, make new friends, new house, etc...) but I not sure how committed I am to anything since my life is upside down! Help!!!
Upside Down, I am sorry you are here, but glad that you came looking for help. This is a good place with lots of people that have had similar issues. From your post, it is very clear that you have lots of expectations from your husband - statements like you are not the problem and can't fix the problem etc. First is a realization and acceptance that you contributed in some measure to what happened and work on fixing that. Making yourself happy is an important aspect as well and I am glad you are working on it. You might want to buy a copy of Divorce Remedy (paper back around $14) and read it at least a couple of times. As for your H, he is burying himself at work (trust me, I am not supportive of his actions) partly because of the demands of work and partly because he is finding more joy there. Next time, he levels accusations at you, listen and don't get defensive. While 90% of what he says might be said in anger, you might get some clues from the remaining 10%. I was very guilty of doing similar things and my wife responded with a tremendous amount of anger and closed the door on me - we are in a much happier place, but it did take a significant amount of resolve (it hurts to be repeatedly called the bad guy when you are trying to work on some thing that you know is going to help both of you as you well know). This is going to be a long journey, but the first step is to lovingly detach - exactly how to go about it, you will discover on your own. Another book you might want to get is "The 5 love languages". Unfortunately, you are going to have to do a lot of hard work - I see a lot of pluses for you though, there is no EA/PA and your H is willing to go through MC. Make sure that you work on yourself in the meanwhile - he will see the changes, might get upset initially that it took this kind of a threat, but then they do eventually come around - look at the piecing BB for some good success stories.
Hi Dad- Thanks for your suggestions. I will check into those books.
Originally Posted By: dadinpain
From your post, it is very clear that you have lots of expectations from your husband - statements like you are not the problem and can't fix the problem etc. First is a realization and acceptance that you contributed in some measure to what happened and work on fixing that.
Maybe I should have said that I don't believe that I am the problem now. I have been listening to my H and trying to make changes since before he left. Since he left, I have made even more changes but he doesn't seem to be able to see those since he says he doesn't think I am capable of change. I have told him I am willing to do whatever it takes to try to make him happy but it still isn't good enough but he still he isn't sure he wants to be married. It makes no sense to me why he isn't really committed to trying. He goes through the motions some times but then completely backs away for no reason...like right now, it appears that he isn't even returning my phone calls.
I feel as if I am doing everything wrong to help put my marriage back together.
listen hon, after years of the kind of behavior he complained about, there is no way he will believe you now, it even made my H madder that after he left *then* I decided to change, he either thought it was a trick to get him back, that I was putting up a front, that it wouldn't last.
You can tell him you've changed 'til you are blue, but he wont' buy it, time has engraved a bad pict of you in his mind, and only months of showing him you truly are a different person will show him you truly mended your ways.
I too was nagging, would belittle my H, didnt' respect him nor put him as my priority. I always loved him, but our M wasnt' what it should've been.
You MUST acknowledge his feelings, tell him that you understand he needs some space and time, that you are willing to give him that. I want you to read "the proper care and feeding of husbands", you will see how many Ws push their H's into this kind of desperate behavior, it will open up your eyes to many things.
My H left and came back after 8 mths, we've been together for a year, and even now he still is a bit weary of me, still has some ideas in the back of his head about me. Only time and my commitment will show him that I dont' ever want to be that awful person I was.
As for the home, do not make any big desicions now, buying a home w/your mom is pretty much telling him you've moved on and dont' want him back if she were to live w/you. Take it one day at a time. The silent treatment wont work either, in Divorce Remedy "going dark" means to cut all contact with the S. But that's a last resort, when things are terribly toxic or abusive. That's not your case. You must stop all sorts of sarcasm, baiting "if I do this then he'll just have to do...". You must be free of all manipulation.
========= I told him that he shouldn't continue the MC if he doesn't think that there is any hope of working things out ========= you must stop this too, you are pushing him and it is another form of manipulation. How would've you felt if he woulv'e said "ok then, we are done" Do NOT say things you dont' mean. Give him extra credit for coming to MC. If he is working too hard he is trying to bury his hurt and keep himself busy as to not see the failure in the M.
You must stop expecting your H to act and do certain things. That's one thing that brought down my M, my micromanaging, tellign him what to do, telling him he was wrong when he told me how bad he felt about certain things. LEAVE him alone. Do not call him all the time, do not bring up R talk, give him some breathing room.
A good read is also "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men". Always be that pleasant good person he could come home to, do not be pushy nor have too many expectations from him, he is also hurt.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks so much for your input Cat. I do have the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. I will check into the other book as well.
I am trying so hard not to push my H since I realize that just makes everything so much worse. I am also trying to show him that I am trying to change but I am unsure how to do that when we don't spend very much time together. The good news is that my H has told me that there is hope for our marriage and that he wants to make baby steps to R, which thrills me and scares me at the same time. Our MC has suggested to us to go out on dates several nights a week and to try to reconnect. On these dates we are not supposed to discuss any of our problems, just try to have a good time. Sounds great in theory...even sounds like it should be fairly easy to do, right??? We had a date last night and WE just seem to keep bringing up our issues through out the evening. I remind him that we aren't supposed to talk about things but WE just keep going there. I believe he wants to vent and I just want to find a way to reconnect somehow (I'm sure he perceives this as pushing). Our ability to communicate effectively is way screwed up and he thinks I don't listen to him. I am trying my best to listen to him, but maybe I am not responding how he thinks I should. I don't know.
We seem to have this vicious circle that we are having trouble breaking. I am trying to indentify what is working for us and what isn't. I am just not sure I see any clear patterns. Are our expectations just so far out of whack??? Maybe we need rules of engagement??? I want to keep from repeating our mistakes before even more damage is done.
I find my self in the same situation as you, except my H ad an EA (I tink so, but he doesn't). I have found that NOT talking about our M when we're together puts him in a better mood. Give H all the space he needs and in the meantime, do things you enjoy. When he sees you don't need him to be happy, it'll make him think. That's going to be my course of action. Everytime he criticizes me, instead of getting mad like I used to, I now ignore his comments and walk away. No arguments. Leaves him thinking.
Married 20 years 2 teenagers H in midst of MLC Physically together, but emotionally distant for 6 months.
Everytime he criticizes me, instead of getting mad like I used to, I now ignore his comments and walk away. No arguments. Leaves him thinking.
You are so right Lavendar. I need to get a thicker skin plus I have to understand that even what I don't perceive as pushing, he might. As much as I don't like it, I have to let go of what happens with us and know that I am going to be okay no matter what. I do get there but then when I spend time with my H, the vicious cirle starts and I seem to repeat my mistakes. I just try to reconnect. I try to be sweet, understanding, fun, flirtatious, etc....maybe doing some of these things are just manipulations on my part because when I don't get the desired reaction, I get frustrated.
It is funny because I do start to feel stronger when I am not my H for a while. When I spend time with him, I feel like my strength gets drained. After I spend time with my H, I get depressed and it takes me a few hours to snap out of it. I only start to get my strength back when I feel like I am taking control of MY situation. I would just like to know how to be steady and in control of me (at least most of the time), even before, during and after I spend time with my H.
the old cliche "be yourself" really applies here. It is amazing how hard it is for many of us just to hang loose and be US, without wondering "if I say and act this way what would he/she say or do?"
When you go out go out for your own sanity and enjoyment, without expectations.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I want so badly to be myself but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I just am trying to reconnect with him and it makes me feel like I am on an emotional obstacle course trying to jump this hurdle or climb that wall...it kind of feels like if I can just jump a little higher, I might be able to get over the top but in actuality, it is more like if I can show him that we can be happy together then everything will come back together.
I wish I felt like he actually wanted to spend time with me. I am thinking that my insecurities don't help the situation. I am trying to find a way to spend time with my H that gives me sanity and enjoyment and where I have no expectations. Usually after we spend time together, I just feel more confused.
It is funny because I do start to feel stronger when I am not my H for a while. When I spend time with him, I feel like my strength gets drained. After I spend time with my H, I get depressed and it takes me a few hours to snap out of it. I only start to get my strength back when I feel like I am taking control of MY situation. I would just like to know how to be steady and in control of me (at least most of the time), even before, during and after I spend time with my H.
I think it's great that you are exhibiting strength and composure during this whole trial. I just read a post earlier about Going Dark which might help you, too.
Try not to beat yourself up about this too much. Hang in there!
