New guy stuggling

[Aaronous]

Hello all,
Well, I am new to this forum but not new to the community. For several months I was over in the "Now we are separated.." group. Since the divorce was final in March, I figured I would come over here. So here is a quick recap of my story...

Aug 22, 2006 W tells me she doesn't love me anymore and is done. She wants a divorce. She gets an lawyer and starts the process in Sept. She wants to be out by Oct. She decides that the best place for her to go is to live with her parents in FL. I live in Las Vegas. 2500 miles away. I guess I could have fought it but I was still hoping she would change her mind and quite honestly, I couldn't afford to pay for her to stay here since she is a stay at home mom. She left Oct 8, 2006. She has been down there ever since.
She blames me for everything and is not interested in even considering me in any way. I admit that I have a lot of responsibility in the problems in the marriage. I would work long hours and travel a lot for work. When I came home on the weekends, I would not want to do much but be around the house. I am not terribly social by nature and I think this really drove her crazy. I know we have problems but I still believe that we could fix them if we would give it a try. I recognize that I was wrong in so many ways. I know she is hurt and I truly wish that I could take that hurt away.

I have read many posts and they give me hope. I also know that she may never come back. That is really hard.

I am doing all I can to change. I have completely changed my diet and have been exercising several days a week. I have already dropped some wieght and feel much better physically. I have also done some serious reflecting about how my actions have hurt her and how I could do better. I feel like I am living a much better life as far as my attitudes and such. I am not the same guy I was when she left.

I still struggle every day with missing my family. We were married 12 years. She was my best friend and the person I trusted the most in this world. I feel very empty inside without her and my kids. Sometimes I don't want to go on.

So anyway, I guess I am just hoping for words of encouragement and strength. I am hoping to find some good stories of success here too. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

- A -

[Jeff223]

Welcome guy. This is a smaller forum - quality not quantity!!

No, I don't have a success story to share. In fact your story sounds much like mine, especially the work and social references. I too will be divorced shortly.

I wish I could encourage you but 2500 miles is a long way. On the other hand time and distance may work in your favor. What are your custody arrangements - when do you see your kids? That at least is a bridge. Any chance you moving to FL? Is her parents supportive of you?

Other than that continue to improve as you have been doing. One word of advice: don't get too focused on your part of the stitch. It is so easy to take all the blame - I know I did and that drove me crazy. A R takes two - she had a part in it too.

Best of luck.

Strength and Honor.

[alamogirl]

Hi Aaron,

Sounds a lot like my story too except that H didn't move 2500 miles away, and he never told me that he didn't love me, he just said that he didn't think there was anything there. The more I read about Mid-Life Crisis, the more I know that that's what my H is going through.

I found an excellent Mid-Life Crisis website and forum. I don't post over there because the people don't seem to be very friendly...my perception, I guess.

I know the empty feeling you are feeling. I don't have kids, so you must be feeling it even more. I'm now doing stuff by myself. My brother/wife live with me right now, but we don't do much together anyway. I have other siblings but they have their own thing going on. It seems that my siblings tend to do more things with their in-laws than with their own siblings.

Anyway, all I can tell you is to keep busy. Keep doing what your doing with your exercising. I have friends I call and do stuff with. I try to do stuff with a friend at least once a week so that it appears that I have a social life...ha! These are friends I've had for a very long time. I also do stuff on my own. I try to meet once a month with alumni from my university.

I know it's hard, and coming here and reading what everyone is going through also has been comforting. I know that sounds weird since I don't wish anything bad to anyone here but it's comforting to know that you're not alone...know what I mean?

Hang in there Aaron. The left behind spouses, as we are called, always feel the blame sometime or another. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't all me. I've course I contributed, I was in the marriage after all, but I know it wasn't all my fault. It's not all your fault either, no matter how many times you had to go on business trips and how you just wanted to hang around the house. There is no harm in doing that. Our spouses are to blame as well, since they just sat back and sulked or nagged. They should have been loving but forceful.

All my best,
alamogirl

[Aaronous]

Wow, I can't believe that 5 months have passed since my last post. Time does seem to fly whether you want it to or not. Here is a quick update...EW still living in FL with parents. We have been divorced now for 6 months. Not an hour goes by that I don't think about my family and miss them terribly. I miss my kids mostly. Interestingly enough, although it would be nice to be back with my EW, it is not the end of the world if it does not happen. I kind of see her and all the anger she has toward me and am not sure if she will ever be able to let it go. We both made mistakes. We both could have done better. We could have made it work. We probably still could. I forgive her entirely for any hurt she may have caused me. I would be willing to try again.

As for me, I actually am seeing someone now. She is very nice and is a very special lady. We are taking things very slowly because I don't want to rush things. At times I still feel very confused about the whole thing. If my EW were to come to me today and want to try again, I don't know what I would do. Sometimes I wish I had not started this relationship with this other woman. I don't want to hurt her. I guess taking it slow is the way to go.

I feel that I am learning a lot about myself. I found a really great book. It is called the Ties that Free. Very interesting.

[Aaronous]

Wow, I can't believe that 5 months have passed since my last post. Time does seem to fly whether you want it to or not. Here is a quick update...EW still living in FL with parents. We have been divorced now for 6 months. Not an hour goes by that I don't think about my family and miss them terribly. I miss my kids mostly. Interestingly enough, although it would be nice to be back with my EW, it is not the end of the world if it does not happen. I kind of see her and all the anger she has toward me and am not sure if she will ever be able to let it go. We both made mistakes. We both could have done better. We could have made it work. We probably still could. I forgive her entirely for any hurt she may have caused me. I would be willing to try again.

As for me, I actually am seeing someone now. She is very nice and is a very special lady. We are taking things very slowly because I don't want to rush things. At times I still feel very confused about the whole thing. If my EW were to come to me today and want to try again, I don't know what I would do. Sometimes I wish I had not started this relationship with this other woman. I don't want to hurt her. I guess taking it slow is the way to go.

I feel that I am learning a lot about myself. I found a really great book. It is called the Ties that Free. Very interesting.