Why do these things happen

[789]

Well not sure if I am posting this in the right area, but here goes.

together 12yrs
married 10yrs
8 year old son

Four days after our 10th, my wife said she wanted a divorce. Now 2 months later in the begginning of May I moved out. Since she has asked for the divorce she has not brought us up once and I have been behaving myself after the first couple of days of doing all the "dont's". Now where I get really confused with her is that in the begginning she wanted all the bills seperated, accounts switched so we would not have any thing holding us together or as she said I would not be able to access her cell phone. Now that I have moved out, since she did say she wanted to "move on" still, she has invited me over for dinner or wanted to go out to dinner 5 of the last seven days and wants to go out for breakfast for Mothers day. Just the other day she also let me know that she changed our cellphone plan to increase the minutes, but she kept the phones together, she also re-installed our insurance for another year. I guess my main question is that even though I never wanted to be seperated or divorced, I had in a way given up hope. Now she seems to be doing everything as if we are trying but without saying that we are. Are these actions something normal and mean nothing, or with her possibly trying to see if she still wants to be married to me or not. I hate confusion in my life right now, but do not want to say or do anything to screw it up if that is what she is trying.

The biggest problem in our marriage and it was big now that I look back at it, is that I have been an alcoholic my entire adult life, never abusive toward her or anyone, just not emotionally or physically thier for her. What really sucks is that I went into rehab and it was after two weeks in it that she told me she wanted the divorce. Oh, by the way I still have not gone back to drinking and do not plan on it either way and still dry after 2 months. Just don't really want to give up the hope just yet.

Thanks

[glamgirl]

I believe we do things in a fit of rage. At the time, it feels like the right thing and we do irrational things. Then after we cool off we regret what we did or we can step back and think more rationally. This could be why we she re-instated the insurance etc. I have done this myself. Don't give up hope that is why we are all here. Nice job on the 2 months sobriety!

[imLIN]

Well being that I am the W of a recovering alcoholic I feel qualified to comment on some things...

First it is great that you are sober now and working on staying that way...but let me tell you that just because you didn't physically abuse her...she was abused by you...there is no way someone can be an alcoholic and not have it effect his family and others around him....the closest ones to you suffer the most...

My idea on all of this is that she sees you taking responsibility...probably when you first entered rehab she didn't believe you would really quit...now with a little passage of time she sees you really working at it...this makes her curious...she wants to know the "new" you...let her in...don't push...just follow her lead and put your best "real" foot forward...

Things sound very very promising to me in your situation...because you gave up hope...you most likely backed off of her and without pressure she was able to see you more clearly...seeing you sober is probably a HUGE PLUS for you right now...

Give her time...keep doning right by you...make sure you support her and your son in the way she feels comfortable...and just see what happens from there...

It really is looking good though....great job!

[789]

Thanks, I really do not want to give up hope, but I also do not want to give myself a false since of hope either, if that makes since. It really hurts to see her and not be able to say anything other than about our son, or to hug or kiss her. I know, or should say I believe no other people are involved. I have behaved myself well in not checking her computer or cell phone records,which would be easy for me to do, or driving by when she does not have our son at nite. But believe me, I have wanted to many times but figure it really wouldn't do me any good even if I did find out anything, or I would feel real stupid if I was caught and no other men were involved, that would just shut the door on us completely.

[789]

imLIN,
I agree that drinking did take a toll on her and do not blame her for being frustrated or not yet really trusting that I have stopped for good. She did ask a couple of months ago if I could promise her that I would never drink again as in 5, 10 years or so. I wanted to promise her, but in my heart I could not. I truly believe that I have stopped for good, but I felt a promise like that would be a lie since in rehab I have heard so many wonderful stories that in the end, the alcoholic did slip even if slightly and I did not want to make a promise on something that even if I am doing my best even in the years to come, I know it from these tales at rehab, even the best intentions have slip ups.
I did tell her that only as those time periods come and go that I hope she didn't hear from others that I was still "dry" and that she was with me to see those milestones come and go and look forward to the next one.

[imLIN]

I understand the promises part...it is best to make no promise then one your not sure can be kept...

My H has had one slip...of course he deeply regreted it...and got right back up and has been doing good since Jan 10th...when he did slip I kept my cool...but because I found him passed out cold after he called me for help I did call 9-1-1 and have him taken to a hospital instead of taking him home...like he sort of asked of me to do....

Your right to acknowledge her pain in all of this...and I am really proud of your efforts at DB'ing...in not snooping...I know how terribly hard this is...but you know what it shows about you???...it shows that you have a strong will of determination...you can resist snooping even though it would be easy for you to do to...you are resisting alcohol even though it is around for the buying...this is your greatest strength...build on that...she will see you as a stronger man and this will reassure her that the weak man is "leaving the building"...you are bettering yourself...keep it up...I know it isn't easy...I have watched my H along his journey of rehab...so I applaud you...

Take care....Lin

[789]

Thanks for the encouragement, part of me wishes that I had just promised, but I know I did the right thing in not in this situation. As for not snooping, holly cow is it hard not to do, but as I said before, no "benifit" by doing it and that is probably what keeps me from doing just that. I am not going to change what I am doing now, but even with her latest twists, even though she is not saying it, I do somewhat believe she is just sitting back and seeing who I become.

[imLIN]

From a woman's perspective...coming from a similar place...yes, I do believe she is sitting back and seeing who you become...so now is your time to really shine...this is your best insentive ever...

Sometime when you talk to her let her know really why you didn't make a promise...let her know it is your every intention that you stay sober but rehab and experiences from there reaffirm to you that this is really ONE DAY AT A TIME....I do believe my H will kick this...do I think for a moment that he will never slip again???...no...but I pray everyday that he keeps going and keeps getting stronger...and that is something that you and your W can do as well...

One thing that H learned in his rehab and maybe you have but I will share it incase you haven't...you don't get better as an alcoholic as time goes on...the monster in you grows...silently...and that monster is ONLY activated upon a drink...it is more uncontrollable when it gets fed then all the times before...my H found this out when he slipped...it was a quick and hard fall...the monster took over and down he went...so never think you are getting better...be aware that with each day you have this silent monster growing...waiting to be "fed"...

Now...that doesn't mean that it doesn't get easier with the passage of time NOT TO DRINK...H says it does...it is just that silent monster can't be woke up...or you will suffer that wrath...

Back to the promise...in time...your wife will understand why you didn't make that promise...if you had no intention of staying sober...you would be drinking...so a promise is not what is keeping you sober...it is your DESIRE...your WILL...

You are soooo very right that there is no "benefit" to snooping...part of you wants to know...but part of you doesn't...and most often it is best not to know when you think you want to know because when you know the pain and grief can be overwhelming...or if there is nothing...you beat yourself up with guilt...or worse you get caught...

You are doing great...one day at a time...you can do this...

Take care....Lin

[789]

Thanks again.
Well I am off to work. The one thing that really does suck, at least for me.

Counting my days of sobriety pretty much match up to the same number as counting my days of seperation, one good, one bad.

Have a good day ! ! !

[JR2007]

789, good luck to you man! Allow yourself to be happy with who you are and who you are becoming. Work on yourself, you WON'T be able to stop being concerned about your W but you can release the worry and the constant thinking. I like how you mentioned you were doing all the "don'ts" in the first few days after the bomb - I'll betcha we all did - I did it for like 2 weeks and just made everything 1000000X worse. You have a great chance since it sounds like your W is very communicative with you and still wants to be around you, that's a huge plus. Just take the D seriously, yet don't let it own you. Make sure your changes are for you and show your W with actions that you love her - actions speak louder than words, remember. As she sees you're serious, she'll open up to you.

GOOD LUCK!!!!