I am recently divorced (3-8-07) and just found Michelle's book--a little late, but better late than never. My H called me the day before our divorce was to be final and wanted me to postpone it so we could talk. I didn't, but now I wish I did. I was still angry--he had a PA--totally took me by surprise as he is the last person in the world I would have ever thought would do that. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary in Sept. and had a wonderful time. Then, in October, he started going out with the guys from work (23-30 yr olds--he's 40) and not coming home. This went on for 3 months. I was angry and we basically stopped communicating and I told him he needed to move out if he was going to keep doing that as it was very upsetting to our son who is 15. He left on 1-14-06 after I confronted him wondering if there was someone else. It is a co-worker and someone who went out with them sometimes. Anyway, since the D was final, he has broken up with OW, started counseling, and we're still living apart. Throughout this whole time, I have never begged, pleaded, cried, etc. for him to come back or reconsider. According to DB, I actually did something right! I have too much pride to beg for anything.
My problem now is that I'm having difficulty trusting his decision and think that he is going to change his mind. Just last weekend he gave me a kiss before he left and said he missed me and I told him I missed him too, and I was acting positive and happy, because I was--but then I don't hear from him for two days. Is this normal? Am I expecting too much? I can't help but think about when we were dating and how we always wanted to be together, left little notes for each other, called each other, etc. It's like my heart wants to feel that way again, but I don't get anything like that from him. I see him once a week--maybe twice at the most and he comes to the house to mow the lawn or to do something with our son. He stays for about 3 hours, sometimes less. He hasn't asked me to go out with him or to do anything with him. I'm driving myself crazy thinking about this and need someone else's objective perspective who has been through this. Is there hope here or am I just setting myself up again for more pain. I don't even want to think about going back to the pain I was in right after the D was final.
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#1049135 - Yesterday at 12:59 AM Re: Help--Need Objective Perspective [Re: farmtown46] farmtown46 farmtown46 Junior Member
Registered: 05/10/07 Posts: 6 It s/b--he left on 1-14-07, not 1-14-06. Sorry for the confusion
Jeff (from Divorce) asked me to check in on you. My H didn't cheat, but he was writing love letters to a co-worker (never sent) and hanging out with her all the time. He still doesn't know I know about the letters, but he knows I know about his feelings for her.
We have reconciled...H recommitted sometime last September. LW (letter woman) is still almost a daily thought for me. H has done everything and more to make me feel better, but that trust is not easily won back. I have to choose it daily, have to remember that he's really worked hard at our M in MC, but there are still days.
The only thing I can tell you is that no matter what, there are NO GUARANTEES. Your H may hurt you again, or he may not. If you move on with another man, there are STILL no guarantees. When we are vulnerable to loving someone, the risk is they will hurt us. So, you could hide and never take the risk, or you could try and it all may be wonderful.
What I DO know is that DBing saved ME as an individual. I make my own happiness, not H. I can only choose for me. I am a lot more conscious of my interactions with H and other people, and my priority is my M in a way it hadn't been before all of this. I know H could still pull away, but I also know that no matter what, I'll be okay.
My aunt's husband cheated on her and actually moved out for about a year while he had his affair. Now, this was probably 30 years ago...they have a great marriage now, but those doubts, those hurts, those feelings still occasionally surface for my aunt. She chooses love, she chooses to trust my uncle. And my uncle goes out of his way to make what he does transparent--he STILL calls if he's going to be even 5 minutes late.
My recommendation is to insist on MC and see what happens. If he's not willing to do the work, then I wouldn't put myself back in that position. The ONLY reason H and I are back together (aside from DBing) is because of MC.
In the meantime, read up on DBing, work on your PMA, GAL. And, FOR YOU, work on letting go of the anger and the hurt. Regardless of what you decide about your H, holding on to those feelings will only hurt you more.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks so much for your help. I know I am making progress for myself and am not reacting to every little thing my XH does. As for the hurt and doubt, I know they probably won't ever totally go away but become something I could live with. Right now, my XH isn't really doing a whole lot to make me feel better, but I'm okay with that. I am not waiting for him to make me happy. As of today, I'm not really sure I want things to work out. Since we're divorced, I figure it's up to him to show me that he really wants us to be together since he's the one who cheated and left.
I know we could be really great together--that our M could be better than it ever was, because I know I love him and I know he loves me but after everything that has happened, I can't be the only one who is willing to do this. So, unless he commits to "us" and wants to really put our M back together all I can do is concentrate on myself and try to do things that make me happy. He is in IC right now so I'm not sure he wants to do MC at the same time. I'll definitely bring it up if he starts talking like he wants us to be together. Right now though I'm backing off and not saying anything about our R.
Thanks again for your encouragement and support. I'm so happy things are working out for you. I think "one day at a time is the route to go"! Take care.
