Approaching 1 yr of seperation...HELP!

[dixiegal]

Any words of wisdom could help. Husband had a affair, left 1 yr ago, moved 4 hrs away to pursue new poker career. 6 months ago started wanted to see me when i moved 1 hour away. See's me 1 to 2 a week. Went to 6 sessions of therapy that were not helpful at all. He still says he dosent know what he wants. Does not want to come home but, likes spending time w/me, loves me and misses me when not around.

I am just torn up over this. I dont understand it. I forgave him, have loved him and wanted nothing from him and etc. I feel I only have to options left. Divorce or live with what he is giving me. Not much....But, really I just want him to come home and for us to try.

I need some help or someone to share there similar experience. I told my H that we should start talking about Divorce. Am I doing the right thing?

[rhoch]

Hi Dixie,

Only you can decide if you are doing the right thing. I will say this...if this is a guy who at 35 has decided to drop everything and pursue a career as a poker player, my opinion would be that he has some serious growing up to do. The lack of maturity is comfirmed then by his unwillingness to commit to anything. Wants to spend time with you but not be tied down. Sounds like something out of the mouth of a 16yo.

Do you have kids involved? If not, what kind of relationship do YOU want and do you honestly think he could offer it?

[FLTC]

For what it's worth, what kind of 35 year old man pursues a "poker career"? How's the medical and dental plan for that one? How about the 401K plan. This sounds like big time MLC, which can take time to resolve. My advice for what it's worth is just like rhoch's. Only you can decied how much is enough. with no kids to hurt, you MAY have an easier time with it, but that's not fair of me to judge. That being said, MLC takes time to resolve itself. You have to decide weather the pain is worth it. I'm coming up on 8.5 months myself, and it's agonizing, especially when I see paretns and kids together!

[dixiegal]

Thanks to both...H called last night on his way to work at Casino. He deals there now and says he is not going to pursue it as a carrer?! But, likes working at the casino as a dealer because no stress. Anyways, said that he dosent want us to divorce. He says that Im not seeing the progess that has been made. Ie...comes over, loves me, brings me little cards, flowers, has gone to church w/me a few times and etc. He also said he feels that he is working on the marriage by this its just not in my way or as fast as Id like it. But, says he understands/is so sorry for the things that he has done and etc. But, he understands my decision.

I feel so torn here....He was such a great H until the last few years. I wonder if Im in love with a ghost? Are there couples out there that really come back from this?

[bit1607]

when he left for 6 months was there any contact between the two of you or did you just let him go?

[dixiegal]

Yes I did. He called me though every few weeks or so. He then started calling more often. He then called one day and said he wanted for us to talk about putting our marraige back together.

[rhoch]

I guess the question then is do you believe he is sincere or has he been gone long enough to realize he still wants someone to take care of him. Definitely check out any and all MLC resources.

[dixiegal]

I sometimes think he is sincere. He says he dosent want a divorce. Says that he would like for us to wear or wedding rings that maybe it would help. But, still doesnt want to come. I dont understand the whole MLC.

Someone out there fill me in. Part of me wants to wait. Im just so sick of all of it. What is wrong with them? When do they come to realize what they are doing?

[rhoch]

It is said that they often need to hit bottom somehow to wake up. Unfortunately sometimes it takes years and in some cases they never really get over it. Thats especially true if there are other issues involved as well. In my situation for example, my W is an exceptionally attractive woman and is a master at manipulating other people into giving her what she needs. Itallows her to keep lying to herself and everyone else about who is responsible for the garbagein her life. Consequently she may never truly hit bottom and may never get better. It sucks.

[cat03]

He is also very hurt, you must remember that, he is afraid it wont work (he WANTS it to work, but is hesitant) That's the #1 reason many men don't come back, they think too much damage has been done and that the W hates them (despite all my support and understanding, my H was convinced I hated him, and even after he came back he thought I would extract my revenge on him at some point and couldnt' get close to me emotionally)

And stop the divorce talk! he actually does show you he wants back and wants to work it out. MLC takes a while to wear off, and he's prob realizing now his poor choices (poker), he is afraid. Agree w/him that you guys should keep dating, asking him if he would go to counceling.

Are there couples out there that really come back from this?
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Yes, and from worse too. If you still love him and want him back then give yourself a time limit as of how long you'll wait, if there has been progress then extend it. After MLC men need to put themselves together again, and maybe he is doing just that, and that's why he isnt' ready to come home.