Help--Need Objective Perspective

[StrongEnough]

It's good to see that you are going to do this the way you want to do this and not let him dictate what happens.

It could possible be that he is going through MLC. It could have a lot to do with his life experiences. No matter what it is, it's something he has to go through and come to terms with on his own. Could be my bad, but did you post your ages?

Only you know how much you are willing to put up with. Yes, 5 or 6 years is a very long time. That's not to say he will go through it that long if it truly is MLC.

As long as you're living your life for yourself, GAL and detaching.......you'll be just fine. You have a good head on your shoulders and you already seem to be well along in the healing process. You go girl!!

I am heading off to my home state today. I have court tomorrow to finalize my D. I will try to check in on you later today or tomorrow.

Keep smiling and have a great day!!

~SE

[Just_Me]

Farmtown,

I read through this and I don't like where it is or is heading.

He isn't that into you. If he was interested in reconciliation he would be doing more pursuing. He's doing a few things here and there, but whoopedy-doo, mowing the lawn. And the four more weeks thing...whose idea was that? Did you agree he could come back? Why did you?

If you just met him...and he had shown the amount of interest he has so far, would you move in with him? I'm betting the answer is no. I think that any of that stuff...even considering reconciliation is premature.

You aren't ready for reconciliation. You haven't reached the point where life is complete without him in it. If you still ask yourself how to endure the pain...then you aren't ready. If you have to ask yourself what he's doing or thinking, then you aren't ready.

I suggest that you make several changes in this scenario. I would have a frank discussion that you don't know where this is heading and you really don't like the idea of being on hold. I'd tell him that moving in isn't a good idea...it's not how you start making a new relationship. I think you need a little more of the distance and independence that divorced people have. I suggest you quit letting him come over at will. I suggest you start mowing your own grass. I think that you need to be straight with him that this current relationship isn't cutting it, you are interested in a new relationship with him, but not like this. Tell him you think that you both need some time to be independent and you don't think he should swing by anymore except to pick up your son for visitation.

But, take that with a grain of salt. Being a guy, I just don't see what he's doing as a sign he wants to try....more like trying to keep things kind of alive with you in case he can't handle being single or find someone else.

[farmtown46]

Thanks for checking in on me and for supporting me. I wasn't sure how to post ages, circumstances, etc. that I see on other posts. I'm 45 and XH is 40--will be 41 in July.

He did call last night to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and we talked for 15-20 minutes--stuff with his day, my day, this coming week, etc. It was a good conversation. I'm just GAL and detaching and having a mighty fine day.

I hope your trip to your home state (where is that?) goes well and I'll be thinking of you today and tomorrow. I'll send positive thoughts your way. I wish I could say that tomorrow was going to be easy, but you already know it's not, but you WILL get through it!

You have a great day too!!

[farmtown46]

The four weeks thing was his idea and I haven't agreed to anything. If I was honest, I would say that sometimes I do want to try and reconcile, but at other times I don't. So, my plan is now to concentrate on me, detach and GAL. I know eventually we will have a discussion about us, but I don't think now is the right time.

As for mowing the lawn, I was planning on doing it myself but he was already doing it when I came home unexpectedly from work. I didn't ask him to do it. He doesn't have access to the house or garage, but the mower was left outside from the last time I did it.

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your honesty.

[Jeff223]

Hey FT,
You sound good. This is confusing but you are handling it well. Just_Me raises a different slant on things but that is why this place is so good.

I remember last summer going to the house to mow. She had someone mow around the house but the back four acres needed a tractor so I would go do it. For her. I had hopes, that is why I did it.

This year the tractor remains silent - I have better things to do.

Is you H behaving the same way? Mows as an act of service for you or as Just_Me says as a way to hedge his bets? That is why I don't like calling things "baby steps". You will do well to "concentrate on me, detach and GAL" as you said.

[farmtown46]

I think he does it for me. I checked out the book, "5 Languages of Love" at the library as you suggested. I haven't read it yet, except for the cover and I can already tell that one of the ways my XH showed his love for me was doing acts of service. He always washed my car, changed the oil, did any repairs and maintenance I needed, etc. (and he still wants to do that now) and took care of snow removal and mowing the lawn. So, I want to believe he does it for me. We have a 15 year old son who is very capable of mowing the lawn, but my XH has chosen to do it. So, for now, I guess I'll let him.

Thanks for your perspective--I really appreciate it. Have a great day!

[StrongEnough]

Hi!

If you want to let X take care of the lawn, help with your vehicle, etc. then let him. If it makes your life easier and saves you $$....then that's great!

You are obviously in a place of indecision. I am glad to read that you haven't yet agreed to the four week thing. However, I agree with Just_Me on having a very frank discussion with him. Let him know you are not sure this is what you want. Let him know your concerns. You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain by being homest with him. Give him a chance to voice his side of things.

You are doing so well that I really feel that having this discussion with your X will help you better gauge how you feel about this and what you want.

Stay strong and keep smiling!!!!

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Hey farm.....you haven't posted in a couple of days. I hope everything is ok.

~SE

[farmtown46]

I'm doing okay. My son was sick and had to be taken to the dr. on Tues. and then the ER on Wednesday. He has asthma and it was acting up since he caught a cold. He hasn't been that bad for quite a while. He's doing much better now.

I've been having my moments the last couple of days. Some days I'm fine and other days I'm not. I guess that's the nature of divorce and especially my situation. Sometimes when I read the other posts, it's all so overwhelming to me. I am so happy for the people it works out for, but then depressed about my situation. I know I will be fine, but it's the day to day things that get to me sometimes. I know these forums are supposed to help, but even with the help that is out there, I feel very alone and tend to retreat into myself. I don't know if that's healthy or not, but it helps me cope.

Enough about me. How are you doing? How did Tuesday go and how do you feel about everything now? I'm sorry for all the questions--I hope you're doing okay.

Thanks for asking about me. I really appreciate it.

[StrongEnough]

Hi Farm!

Sorry to hear that your son was sick. Glad he's doing much better now. Asthma can be a scary thing to deal with.

I think it's normal to feel alone. I know I do at times. I figure there isn't anyone out there who understands what I am going through. It is not true though.

I'm not sure if retreating is healthy or not. All I can say is I do the same thing to cope.

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. How do I feel about everything now? If I only knew...........

Hope all is well. If you post some of day to day difficulties here, there are lots of great people who will chime in and help out!

~SE