Thanks for lifting my spirits. I did forget to mention one thing. He made a point of telling me his plans for the evening by saying sarcastically, "Tonight should be a fun night." Of course I asked what was going on. He said he was going to a party with his roommate. His roommate is dating a cop and she just bought a house and is having a housewarming party. He said it would be wierd to be at a party with a bunch of cops. Now I'm pretty sure but not definite that the OW will probably be there, but maybe not. Anyway, I told him that it sounded like fun and that I hope he has a good time. I meant it too--didn't even bother me! I was positive and upbeat! Me!!--who knew!!
Anyway, I meant to tell you earlier too that I have forgiven him for the affair, but have not told him that. I think that's why I hugged him 2 weeks ago and told him I loved him. It was my way of telling him that I forgave him.
I've had the same thoughts about the living situation too. Maybe he just wants a place to live, but he told me that's not true. He said he wants "us" to be back together and he is definitely moving back here. That's why today is so confusing to me. How can you want "us" when you don't want any physical contact.
I thought of something else too. He was in a good mood when he first came over today, but after he came back from shopping, he wasn't. He made the comment that the whole shopping thing "sucked and it ruined his day." I remembered something Jeff said earlier about him thinking that he's a loser. Maybe that's what he was thinking about himself since he came home with nothing. I told him not to be so hard on himself and I would have been happy with anything and I wasn't even expecting anything, so relax about it. I didn't act upset or disappointed because I really wasn't expecting anything.
I don't think I should be giving any advice but I am sure willing to listen. How are things going with your situation? Are things better or not? I would love to be able to help you if I could.
That's great that you have been able to forgive him. It really does help in the whole healing process.
About his moving back in. Are YOU ready for that? Do YOU want that? Would you rather date him for a while before letting him move back? I only ask because I (against my better judgement) let STBX talk me into letting him move home as soon as we decided to try. For us, it wasn't a wise move.
When X said shopping had ruined his day....did you ask him why? Sometimes just giving them the opportunity to speak, listening and validating their feelings helps.
My sitch is currently a mess. I post in Surviving. I started here 10 2003 (different name) I went to piecing in January 2006. I moved to Surviving about 2 months ago.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Hey girl, You sound wonderful. Keep doing what you are doing.
He appears to be walking on eggshells right now, trying to do the right thing but not quite sure what to do. That explains the confused signals he is giving you. That also explains being down after shopping. You not reacting was the exact right thing to do. He feels low enough if he really regrets the PA and the D.
Okay, the physical contact thing. Ugggg....
As a man, we are always reminded that all men are jerks b/c all we want is sex, sex, sex. To be physical on date #1, never mind all that R stuff. We are also told the woman wants a R first and the "love" (and sex) comes later. Maybe H is reading up and wants to build the R slowly before it goes to the physical level? Why not? If all he wants is sex is that who you want back? I bet not.
As for the moving back part, I too am confused. That should be YOUR choice, not his. He had the PA, not you. If he wants to come back he should earn it. Yes, you forgave him and that is good but he needs to earn your trust (and you mentioned trust in your first post and you mention the OW again above). Let him earn his way home by demonstrating he has earned your trust. You two need to fall in love all over again and build a new R. The old R is dead, and his past behavior unacceptable - make that clear or he may stray again. Without full trust, there is no hope for a good R.
You sound like such a great guy--what is wrong with your STBX? It's always nice to get a male perspective because I have no clue how you guys think! I doubt he's reading up on anything because he's not a reader, but I'm wondering if his C is "helping" him understand things as far as that goes. Who knows.
He did ask me about 4-1/2 weeks ago if he could move back. He realized he made a huge mistake, still loved me, etc. I said yes, but we had a lot of things to talk about, work out, etc. He was working at the time and said he would call me the next morning. He was thinking that he would have to quit his job because OW works there and is the boss' ex-wife. (talk about a situation!) He was worried how he'd be able to live, support himself and he also carries health insurance for me and my son.
He did call the next day but said that he was waiting to talk to his boss and that maybe he should still live where he is while we try to work things out. I said okay. Then I didn't talk to him for about 4 days when he called and said he had started counseling and needed to go twice a week for 8 weeks. He said he needed to find out why he was so f****ed up and he wanted to wait until he worked that out before he moved back. I said okay again. Now, I am trying not to put any pressure on him by asking him anything. He has 4 more weeks of counseling before his eight weeks are up and he is going to have to say something to me eventually. Either he needs more time or he's ready to move back. I'm thinking that's when I need to say, "ok, what does that mean?" Part of me doesn't believe he is ever going to be moving back here, at least not in the foreseeable future. Maybe that's part of the trust thing. I do want to fall in love again with him and build a new R, but I just don't see any signs from him that he wants to fall in love with me. So, I figure I'll cross that bridge when/if he finally says, "I'm ready to move back." Do you think that's okay or should I say something now? After today, I really don't want to talk to him about us.
I sound wonderful because of wonderful people like you and strongenough are kind enough to help me!! Thanks again.
I'm sorry your sitch is a mess. I'll have to hop over to Surviving and try to find you.
I did ask him why shopping had ruined his day and listened when he said, "because I suck at it." My response, "don't get so upset by it--I will love anything you and Cam get for me." I have never complained about any gift, always thanked him and said it was wonderful, etc. Now, I've had to return a few things since they were the wrong size, but never tried to make him feel bad about it. I can tell he's depressed and it seems like the littlest thing just makes him feel worse. I suppose he feels very guilty too.
I would like to date for awhile--is it possible to "date" when they move back in? I'll have to think about that for awhile since I think that's what I've been waiting for/expecting. I'm thinking that he would want to be asking me out on a date, but maybe that thinking doesn't come naturally to him.
Hang in there. I hope things get better. Happy Mom's Day! Any plans?
To be honest I think you may be opening yourself up to a lot of hurt by just letting him move back. As a minimum I would recommend several sessions of MC before hand. A MC can assess if you two are ready to try again. You can also date during this period. The dating is to reconnect.
Him moving in then out yet again if things do not work out will be very painful. Protect yourself. It is good he is in IC and he feels he needs time. But you need time too. The MC can also explore your end of the story. Remember a R involves two people. Sometimes a PA is a symptom of a larger problem he sees in the M (true or not) that he may feel you are responsible for or should have to helped fix but did not.
I will have to agree with Jeff. From what you have said here, it seems almost like he made the deicision to move back in. If one of you isn't ready to piece....then that could be a bad move. (you've read my story.....) I understand your confusion on the "wanting to move back in" but not wanting to be "physical" with you. That kind of confuses me too.
The other thing to keep in mind is your son. How will it affect him?
I guess the biggest thing is to decide what you want and how you want to go about it. If you don't feel like it's a good idea that he moves back in with you right away...then by all means discuss it with him. Give him some alternatives (dating).
Hope you have a great day and thanks for stopping by my thread!
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Jeff and SE--Thanks for everything you said because it is true. I know if he moves back in and it doesn't work out, it will be very hard on our son and me also, but I'm more concerned about my son.
To be honest, right now I don't even know if I want to try. Maybe it's just better that it's over. I was thinking of writing him a letter instead of trying to talk to him on the phone or face to face. I was thinking a letter might be better since it would give him time to think about what I said and not expect him to respond right away like a verbal conversation would. I was thinking of saying something along the lines of:
I'm confused about why you want to move back here. Do you just want a different place to live than your current situation or do you want us to be together? It doesn't seem like you want "us" since you have not shown any interest in spending time with me or on rebuilding our relationship. I don't want you to move back here unless you truly want to have a relationship with me. I want a whole relationship--communication, physical contact, affection, a sex life. I feel like you think you are doing me a favor by moving back here--that I can't "survive" without you. But I can and I am. I have to be able to trust you again and I want to understand what happened between us. If you are unwilling to work on that, you should not move back here. I want you to come back with your whole heart in it--anything less would be unfair to Cameron and me.
What do you two think? Should I add anything else? I thought about the tax thing some more last night too and I'm going to tell him to write me a check for the portion he still owes. I'm going to say that it's probably best we stick to the divorce agreement and not have a joint account for awhile since there are no guarantees that things will work out between us. Maybe I should put that in the letter too.
Thanks again for everything. The sun is shining--it's going to be a beautiful day. Enjoy!
Hmm...not too sure about the letter. I guess because in the letter you are giving him control over whether or not he moves back in and works on R. After you said:
"To be honest, right now I don't even know if I want to try. Maybe it's just better that it's over."
It seems to me you are very unsure of what you want to do and where you want this to go. The idea of getting your M back is intriguing and exciting......but maybe not what you want right now. I guess my advice would be to take a few days and really think about what you want before approaching XH.
As for the taxes, I think you are wise to stick to the divorce agreement.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
I think you're right. The more I thought about it, the more I decided not to do it. I think I'll just wait and see what happens. I really don't know what I want right now.
I was reading other posts under MLC and the more I read, the more I think that is what XH is going through. He has unresolved childhood issues with his dad that have affected him since we've been married. His parents divorced when he was 13 and his dad basically cut all communication with him. Promised to see him, etc. and never did. My XH to this day still talks about being promised to be taken on a vacation his dad was planning and at the last minute decided to take his new wife's son instead of him. His dad moved to AZ a couple of years ago and didn't even tell him. We live in MN, so it's not close. His dad passed away in October which basically left everything undone and unresolved with no possibility of closure. His dad's wife didn't even let anyone know he had passed away until 2 weeks after his death. Then there was a memorial service here for his family and again she didn't tell my XH or his siblings when it was so they didn't get to go. What a mess.
Plus, he has been very unhappy in his job the last year but feels "stuck" there since he never went to college or got any training after high school. He's a hard worker and is good at what he does, but I know he feels like a failure in that area. He makes a decent living, but not what he would like and I know he thinks he will never be able to find anything else. He's applied at a few places over the last year, but hasn't been called for an interview so I'm sure that only intensifies his feelings of worthlessness in that area.
After reading the posts in MLC, I don't know if I can deal with it. I did not know a whole lot about MLC because my father never went through anything like that--I asked him. I had no idea it can last up to five or six years. I have patience, but I don't think that much. Most of those people qualify for sainthood in my book. So, right now I guess I'm going to take a wait and see approach and GAL of my own and be happy no matter what happens. I feel good right now--I just hope it lasts.
I hope you are having a good Mother's day. Take care.
