I thought I would start a new thread. I am still a confused mess.
H flew to visit his OOW this weekend. (This is only the second time he has seen her.) She supposedly left her abusive husband again after he broke her arm. H had to see that she was "ok". H is telling me details about the trip and it still sounds like she is scamming him to me. Supposedly her H broke her arm, but she never went to a doctor, didn't get a restraining order, and left her 4 kids in the house with him while she is living with her parents a few blocks away. WTF? How screwed up is she if she left her kids with a man who broke her arm. She is wearing a splint from a previous sprain rather than a cast. H claims they are just friends since she is not ready for a relationship, but maybe a few years down the line he would see them having one since he is "in-love" with her. He also claims he is not sending her money. I know detach, detach, detach. I am angry that H pulled this at the minute and left me to be the one to tell S7 that Daddy can't see him this weekend to learn how to bike ride as he had promised all week. I get so mad thinking of how I scrimped and saved for so many years and now H can piss away money on airfare, hotel, and a rental car to "see if she is ok". It was only a 7 hour drive. When I wanted to go away on vacation in August, H said no so we could save the money. Grrr....
When H and I last talked about our R and maybe going to counseling, he said it was "something to think about" in a way that seems to mean "no" to me. He is still acting relatively normal and not spewing. He chit-chats in person and on the phone, but is definitely not the old H I knew.
I see a counselor tomorrow. I hope she can help me figure out how to GAL better. I keep alternating between severe depression and somehow coping. I can't function at work well and know I am not the mom I was. The depression and weight loss are sapping all of my energy. Please don't tell me, "just get active and do things" like my mother does. I am bone tired all the time. I think I will feel better once I get my weight back up. (I think eating cheesecake and ice cream is helping. I gained a little back. I tried Boost, but it made me feel too sick.) I can get out of bed during the week but seem to collapse on the weekends.
I am also not sure if I want to keep waiting or not. Everyone tells me to divorce him, but I am not ready yet for that. I also hope that the counselor can help me find ways to start being happy without a man in my life. I am one of those people who feel so lonely when they are not in a relationship. I want to change this but don't know if that is possible.
I try to picture possible futures for myself: 1) Miracle happens, H comes home and there is great rejoicing. 2) I DB for years and H never comes back. 3) I get a D and I am miserable and lonely and never find happiness. 4) I get a D and find a new relationship and am happy again.
I wish I had confidence that numbers 1 or 4 could happen. Right now, I only see numbers 2 or 3, or some other sad alternative happening.
Its funny, before all this happened I was so confident in the future. H and I would live happily ever after and grow old together. It was so clear. Boy, was I deluded.
Do you have any suggestions of things I should discuss with the counselor? This is my first visit so I don't know what she is like.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Hi Halfmissing, I remember being where you are at...not eating, not being able to function at work, feeling guilty that I was being a horrible mom to D10...it's not fun!! The good news is that you're getting out of bed and eating cheesecake! Ok, sounds a little silly, but honestly, it's the little things that you need to appreciate about yourself right now. Feel proud that you are getting out of bed and going to work, feel proud that you have made an appointment to see a counselor, feel proud that you are here even if it's for journaling. You are working very hard on yourself right now and you should be proud!
As for the C, I think you'll just know. The first one I went to told me she was D and talked a whole lot about herself...maybe some people like to hear other people's experience...that's not what I needed at the time...I found another C and I knew I loved her right away. I have been seeing her for a while now and I still love going to my sessions. There were a couple of things I didn't agree on with her, but the key was that I felt comfortable enough to tell her and that made things even better. You just need to find someone who fits your personality.
Hang in there...you came to the right place... Unbroken
You are in the right place. We know how you feel. Come here and vent, read, and join in. This place is a godsend.
I am glad you are going to a C. I waited for about 4 months after the bomb and was going downhill fast. My C gave me great coping skills and helped me through this. She will just try to find out where you are on the first few sessions. I know as soon as walked in to my C the waterfalls started and didn't stop. I started looking forward to going every week!
I lost 40 pounds and haven't put any of it back on. I was so sick to my stomache all the time that all I could eat was a popsicle. At least that kept me hydrated!
You might not think so right now but it does get easier as time goes on. Your h sounds alot like mine did. He would be very open about the ow, like it was ok. I finally told him that I didn't want to her about her anymore and he stopped.
Just give it time. Let God do his work on your h. Take care
A found some great lyrics. Tell me if this isn't where we all "wanna be."
"I don't need to be anything other Than a prison guard's son I don't need to be anything other Than a specialist's son I don't have to be anything other Than the birth of two souls in one Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from I don't want to be Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately All I have to do Is think of me and I have peace of mind I'm tired of looking 'round rooms Wondering what I've got to do Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn Am I the only one who noticed? I can't be the only one who's learned I don't want to be Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately All I have to do Is think of me and I have peace of mind I'm tired of looking 'round rooms Wondering what I've got to do Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me Can I have everyone's attention please? If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave I came from the mountain The crust of creation My whole situation-made from clay to stone And now I'm telling everybody I don't want to be Anything other that what I've been trying to be lately All I have to do Is think of me and I have peace of mind I'm tired of looking 'round rooms Wondering what I've got to do Or who I'm supposed to be I don't want to be anything other than me I don't want to be."
saddadinkc, I wish I felt like me again. I feel like I am a stranger. I guess this is a chance for me to make a "new" me. You can't go through something like this and not become a different person.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Yup the OWs will do what ever it takes.....my H was wisked away with an abuse scam.....turns out OW wanted a meal ticket.....she left her H in a heap similar to me. They are not worthy of our time and energy.....but they are parasitic leeches that when your H is ready to let go it will be hard....they will use every trick to keep their meal ticket.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
You will. One day at a time. It sucks and it is tough but you have to do it. Everyone on these Boards has felt the exact same thing and know exactly where you are coming from. EO has done things and said things that they wish they could take back but can't. If I had a dime for every dumb thing during the past 5 mos I could even pay my Lawyer. Anyway, chin up, lots of DB and realize that this is the long haul.
HM, personally, you sound strong to me. With what you have gone through and you still keep moving on. Making lists about possible futures is something a strong person does. I am saying this to myself as I write this (as I say it to myself everyday) is to not worry about the what ifs. They do not help you. You concentrate on yourself and your children. He will do what he is doing for now and he will make lots of mistakes. You build you and your children up with the understanding your H is not well.
What he will get when he comes home is a spouse that is confident in herself and "chooses" to be with her H.
BTW, when I read about your weight loss, I now think of you as 1/2 missing in weight and not that your other half (your H) is missing. You may have to change your name to 1/4 missing
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
