HELP! not sure what to do now.

[kissak]

Ok, this is my sitch....Husband not happy, left after 14 years of marriage, 2 kids, said nothing will change his mind....He has a brief affair, 2 months later, he's not 100% sure of things, breaks it off with OW, which broke his heart, but wanted to be sure he did everything he could to save his marriage. 2 months later he has pretty much moved back in, says he is still unsure. Says he has no feelings for me, doesn't think we can get them back, he said we have both changed, he agrees to see MC, starts staying at his apt again. MC says we need to get to know one another, so we try for a week or so, go off for the weekend, no kids, and now here we are.....All weekend we had a good time, just a little uncomfortable. He was not affectionate at all, but did want "Just sex", told me that, didn't want me to get wrong impression. Won't kiss me, just a hug if I ask. I feel like it is hopeless. It is like he really don't want this and is only doing it to make me tell him Im done. I can't do that, even though I am tired of all of this, giving affection when you don't get any back is tiring and hurtful. Im sure he is in MLC, but what should I expect now. Is he finally going to say he has had enough? Then what do I do. Let him go or keep holding on to him until he gets through this crisis. How do I go on but still let him know that i will always be there? Im sure he will go back to OW after this. He said things seemed so natural for them. Whatever....that will wear off. Maybe, they were just really good friends before, you can't go back to just friendship after a relationship, can you?
What should I do, go ahead and tell him that I'm done, and that I can't put myself through this pain anymore? I don't want him to be able to lay blame on me later on for not giving it a chance, even though i feel his mind is made up and he is affraid to tell me that. Advice????I would appreciate any.....I know it sounds like I am rambling, just feel like i am at a dead end.

[yellowrose]

kissak

Grab all the patience and understanding you can right now. Don't make a big deal about him not having feelings. That will all come back in time. Give him space and lots of time. It takes longer than a week. Your h needs to work through this on his own time.

Y

[Rollercoasterider]

Whether you are describing MLC or not, you are describing the typical affair cycle. Read this:

Harley, Willard F. and Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Surviving an affair. Grand Rapids MI: Revell, 1998.

Here is a link to a larger Bibliography

After an affair ther eis extreme guilt Also understand that affair relationships do not often end with a clean break. OWs cling. There are extremem withdrawals on both sides and many return to the OW--though not permanently. This is just part of the cycle.

He will feel guilty for cheating on the OW when the two of you have sex. This si not him being inlove with the OW or being a CAD. It is a normal emotion. He will then feel guilty for feeling guilty--since he knows rationally he should feel guilty for cheating on you, not her. He needs reassurance that you are not hurt because you udnerstand that what he is going through is normal given his actions. And understanding this helps you to feel less hurt.

giving affection when you don't get any back is tiring and hurtful.

So stop giving affection . Give Agape love. Unconditional and forgiving. Affection borders toward Eros or parental...and can feel smothering. Step back; affection pursues; it makes him feel guilty, confused, smothered--and like running to escape. He is UNABLE to return your affection right now--incapable.

what do I do. Let him go or keep holding on to him until he gets through this crisis.

Absolutely NONE of us should HOLD ON. Holding on is clinging. Leave it to the OWs. You Stand and get through this crisis by Letting GO, by accepting the process. Holding on is a par tof denying; it is really holding back.

How do I go on but still let him know that i will always be there?

By accepting. That can be easier with knowledge of what MLC and affairs are--the patterns and cycles. What is normal--the behaviour that seems cruel but is really confusion and guilt and not meant as you may feel it is meant.

You show him you are there by being there--being home, not inhis face clinging and holding on. Your job is to be the soft place for him to land. Be that safety and comfort zone that he looks toward when he is hurting emotionally. The OW will get fed up with him as he enters Liminal Depression. Show him love through this. He may or may not come to you...be there anyway. Now and later he will bait you into fighting...sometimes they leave the OW so they can show you a bad time and prove to you that the two of you cannot make it again--it's a set-up.

Your job is to not bite this bait. He'll bait you into arguing. Maintainyour boundaries. No sex for a period of time after returning--separate sleeping arrangements also. Counseling is a must. If he refuses, he is not ready. ALso STD testing...a refusal shows a lack of repsect for you and your safety. Many are not ready when they return. Give him time. Expect that he may leave again--only to return again later.

What should I do, go ahead and tell him that I'm done?

Well, are you done? Since you are asking us what to do, you clearly do not want to be done. So why then would you be done? Because you feel itis hopeless and even if you do not want to be done you are just going to give up. It is never Hopeless...and

i feel his mind is made up

it is made up. But where is his mind--no one knows cause he's lost it! It will change. HE doesn't know what he wants and he may not know for a very long time--a few years. Many do not see what they would call Hope for a few years...and yet the MLCer returns.

HUGS,
RCR

[kissak]

Thank you RCR and Y, I have been on this rollercoaster since Dec. I don't want to give up, but I'm at a loss, what do I do if he says he's done this time? For good, even though it may not be, since he goes up and down. I feel like he only came back last time because I stopped pressuring him. I try not to pressure him now, but he says he is looking for the old feelings to come back or new ones, so what do I do about that? How can feelings come when I don't do anything? I will try to not contact him this week, although he will have to contact me about son's ballgame. He will probably call to talk to kids, maybe.... He might even want to come over. I don't want to give up. Im not going to.

[siren_tears]

kissak,
I know that this is hard to do but all you can do is GAL of your own. And when you tired of riding the rollercoaster then you will be ready to detach. If this is MLC, which it sounds like it is, you are only at the beginning of what can take 3-5 years or longer. My advice would be to read everything you can about MLC so that you understand what is really happening in your H's life. There are a ton of really good resources at the top of the MLC Forum. Read them all. Educate yourself about the process for yourself and for him.

I had all of the same questions as you when I started on this road 3 years ago. I was sure that my H was different and I kept convincing myself that he was going to wake up much sooner than normal MLCers. He didn't and he still hasn't. I am just lately starting to see signs of my old H. He is finally starting to spend more time with our son.

Oh and don't worry about him telling you again that he thinks he is done. My H has been telling me that for 3 years and yet the only reason we aren't divorced yet is because he keeps stalling. Please read the resources. They will provide so many answers for you.

ST

[Rollercoasterider]

what do I do if he says he's done this time?

NOTHING. As you said "he goes up and down." No reason to believe a truth of the moment--it is an accurate truth about his emotions/feelings. Not his true inner wants--he just doesn't know that.

he says he is looking for the old feelings to come back or new ones, so what do I do about that?

NOTHING

How can feelings come when I don't do anything?

You are making an incorrecft assumption that the feelings are gone--no longer in existence. No, they are lost--buried beneath a rubble of confusion. And if you try to show him, it will come off as pressure and pestering.

You SHOW by being there when and if he calls on you in a time of need.
You SHOW by rfusing to escalate his fish bait to an argument
You SHOW by setting boundaries to show you have respect for yourelf and that you thus expect it from him also.
You SHOW by not filing for divorce and contesting if he files

And yes, this makes MLCers Angry

You SHOW by letting him be agnry, validating his Anger and still disagreeing.

"We have irreconcilable differences. It is best to divorce"
"I'm sorry you feel that way. But I disagree. I understand you will do as you feel is best. But I will also do what I feel is best."

No reason to give up...and many reasons to not give up--to Stand.
But it will get worse before it gets better. This is a VERY long journey...but the rewards at the end are great--a better marriage than you had before...the best marriage possible if you are both (at that point) willing to work on it.

HUGS,
RCR

[kissak]

Thanks for your advice. Today has just been different,and i may be reading more into it than I should. Usually he has been texting me everyday with a usual "good morning" or sometimes he actually has R questions for me. Today....nothing. I got tired of waiting and just texted him a simple "hello". I got a hello back. Thats it. He may just be busy at work or something, I don't know. I guess i shouldn't contact him anymore. Let him do it. But last time I did that, he wanted to know why I had stopped texting him. I can't seem to win. I do know that he can definitely say whats on his mind by texting me than talking to me. It seems to be easier for him that way. So I have been expecting a text that might say, "what are your feelings now" since our weekend together was non productive. You know, I think I would be alright without him in my life, if I didn't know that he was with OW. That is what really gets to me....her. She is not the type of person I would ever picture him with. She's not even pretty! LOL. Has no personality. Is everything Im not! People don't even like her. Sorry, just venting a little.
It just makes me sick that he would rather spend time with her and her son than his wife and his own children!!

[Rollercoasterider]

No intitating contact--AT ALL...unless it is a true emergency--9-1-1 emergency.

you can't win? You won't win by giving in and texting because after the fact of you not texting he acts as though he missed it. He did miss it...and had you done it he'd have been annoyed.

If he asks why you aren't texting tell him that you know he will contact you if he wants to.

And mention that you just got busy.

HUGS,
RCR

[kissak]

Thank you. I guess if he goes back to texting, good morning, I should back? Do u know how hard it is not to stay in contact with him? Im sure u do. I will try harder. I just know that he will regret his actions one day. For now, I will just GAL. Would it be wrong to go out on a date with someone if he didnt' know about it? Someone recently asked me out and I said no, that I was trying to work out my marriage with my H, because I know he was trying too. Just not the way I want! How would my H take it if he knew? I don't want to do something to push him away.

[kissak]

I know he would be like, go, have a good time. It wont bother me. There's probably someone out there better than me.